My Obsession With Older Men Saved Me From a Terrible Mistake
“Is he matured or not?” I asked myself.
I have given up on love. At 36, I now have a new dream of living a full and happy life as a single woman. I want to travel the world, host dinners for other singles, enjoy the freedom of exploring my sexuality while pursuing my lifelong dream of being the CEO of me.com.
I’m leaving behind the endless disappointments, unrealistic goals, and invisible feelings that characterized my past relationships. True love, it seems, would not find me. I gave up and moved on, or so I thought.
Then one day, I was leaving work when I bumped into someone. I was replying to a message on LinkedIn, and wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. He was also apparently on his phone and wasn’t looking.
I admired his grey rock star hairstyle and noticed his sexy voice. The earring and black eyeliner gave his masculine face a girly appeal. I suspected he was in his early 20s; if so, he was too young for me. Even a 35-year old is too young for me.
I was having a good hair day, and my flirtatious hat was on. He walked me to my car while we chatted. Eventually, we exchanged contacts.
Jeremy worked as a delivery man for a bakery. Suffices to say, the next three weeks, I was eating hot dogs as if I had a death wish because he would bring hot dogs to my office during lunch as an excuse to see me. Every time I saw him, I grew more nervous.
We acted like two clumsy idiots hanging out. His nervousness fed mine. I felt my face melt whenever he looked at me. My heart raced. There was an obvious mutual attraction, and it was a lot of fun.
I appreciated his attitude towards me. He showed clear interest but wasn’t overly eager. I had prepared to turn him down politely, so I lied that I was just out of a relationship.
“I’m not ready to jump into something new. Also, I don’t like younger men,” I said.
“Souls have no age,” he replied.
That teased me a bit. When I asked how old was his reincarnated human body? He laughed hard and said 20. I wasn’t wrong after all. Too young was a turn-off. He insisted that we become friends.
I was a bit hesitant but made plans to have a drink with him “as friends” the following Saturday evening. We met at the museum close to where he worked after his shift.
The conversation went smoothly. He sounded disciplined and open-minded. After 20 minutes, we had our first kiss, and I knew I was in trouble. An hour later, I had fallen in love with his charisma.
This was the first relationship that forced me to question my morals and be more mindful. He was young but also very principled. He knows who he is, what he needs, and what he wants. He chooses his company wisely and maintains healthy boundaries. He had tremendous faith. He was romantic, stubborn, and wild, just like I love them.
I didn’t think it would last. Yet, there was something so attractive and captivating about him that I couldn’t resist. The bond between us was so immense that I decided it would be worth riding on until it crashed and burned, which I was sure to happen and soon.
And when that happens, I would crash into a pile of ash, and then I would pull myself together and not regret it.
Feeling this adored, the raging passion inside me, being so engulfed in pure ecstasy, even for a week or two, was worth my heart breaking into a million pieces. I loved how he made me feel — vulnerable, playful, generous, and carefree. Still, I imagined it wasn’t going to last longer than two months.
As months went by, we became unattached with each other, spending long periods of time staring into each other’s eyes and expressing immense emotion — how happy we were to have found each other. We were fascinated and in love with each other. We became totally addicted to each other. We were that couple, the one you love to hate.
“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” — Henry David Thoreau
Still, I waited the first two years for everything to fall apart. I was afraid to be all-in, looking daily for signs that we were doomed to fail. Every time I saw one quality in him that attracted me, I looked for two that irritated me, and of course, I found them. Yes, he is passionate, but he drinks too much and plays video games.
Sure, he is willing to learn and grow in relationships, but he is forgetful and oversensitive. He has a short temper and quickly sulks. What really pissed me off was how extravagant he was. He earns very little and spends most of it on video games and junk.
We fought about the basic things like dishwashing, cleaning, laundry, money, and the likes. We had a normal relationship, to be honest. Unlike most young guys, he is at home almost every night, not in the bar like many of his peers. He wasn’t like most people his age.
We influenced each other. His presence changed my perception of love and relationships. We hung out with each other’s friends and listened to each other’s favorite music. I think this really helped us come to terms with our age differences. He made me feel young and alive, and he was very proud to be with an older woman.
Being in that relationship encouraged me to surrender to what is true in me. I was madly in love with a much younger man, but I was terrified. I was fortunate to be able to love and be loved returned. I should have cherished that man and what we shared.
But the fear that the age difference will finally catch up with us was hanging on my neck. My biggest fear was, “can I really trust him not to let me down?” For him, he feared “I would not stop doubting his intention.” I knew our love was real. It had been tested. There was a time it got really bad, but we both clung to each other.
Although I was no longer afraid of what people said when they saw us together, I still worry that one day, as we grew older, age will cease to be just a number, but a reason why the relationship won’t flourish anymore.
The negative biases in my head won’t let me hold onto this gangster-loving, gamer, and obsessed man who has all my nerves vibrating in my body.
I dn’t want to wake up in 30-years to realize that I am not as attractive to him as I am now. Or that I had become jealous seeing him with younger women. That torture from my insecurity is something I will constantly have to fight.
So, I did the most selfish thing I always do. One morning, I backed my bags, and left the town and never looked back.
It still hurts. I feel broken. But I have been through this pain before, so I know I will heal from this too. On the other hand, he’s a mess, so I’ve heard.
I think it’s better this way than being with him and feeding my insecurities. Flooding my head with “what if?” He will get fed up one way or the other, and then my fears will become a reality.
Age does not define maturity
After my breakup, I started to dig for answers. I wanted to know when a person can be said to have matured. It turns out that our brains doesn’t stop forming after puberty.
Some neuroscientists agree that brain development is likely to continue until at least your mid-20s, possibly into your 30s.
This raised many questions about an adult brain and how biologically responsible a young person is for immature or irresponsible behavior.
The brain is always in a somewhat dynamic state. There are certain periods of development in which it is more dynamic than others, such as during adolescence and early adulthood.
But it cannot be said that the brain has matured at a certain point. The brain continues to mature in different ways throughout our life.
And if the brain develops beyond the dynamic stages like we see in adolescence, it may not be right to ask if the brain has matured, especially when we look at society and public policy.
The question we should ask ourselves is, at what age is someone mature enough to make rational decisions about his/her life?
It may seem logical that 18–25-year-olds are fully mature, the brain is still maturing, particularly the prefrontal cortex. The changes that occur between the ages of 18 and 25 are essentially an ongoing process of brain development that began during puberty.
At 18, you are in the middle of the entire development phase. The prefrontal cortex is far from functional capacity at 18 as it is at 25.
By using the term maturity, we put ourselves in a trap. We seem to say that there is only one moment when we can do everything right.
Even if the brain is not fully developed yet, people can still make good decisions.
How to know you’re not dating a boy
I have an obsession with dating older men. Most of my exes are 10–20 years older than me. There is something I like about listening to conversations from a smart older man. Regardless of his age, we have many common interests that make our conversations deep and interesting.
Secondly, they are less aggressive with sex than younger guys. I like that I don’t have to be obligated to have sex to feel better about myself. Unlike young men who would demand sex when they are anxious or stressed, and if I don’t, I become the insensitive girlfriend.
With older men, we spend that time watching a movie or talking about philosophy, or taking turns getting a massage.
Although older men are often manipulative, they respect my limits and give in to my demands for peace to reign. Eventually, I realized that although I viewed older men as more mature, sophisticated, stable, and exciting people, I would advise any woman dating older men to set clear boundaries to protect you from their manipulative influence.
Most older men are not petty. They don’t get caught up in all the jealous shit that younger guys do. They trust you to behave like the adult that you are. I can hang out, drink, socialize and be friends with whoever I want. Honestly, they won’t care.
They engage in civil discourse. We do not argue about small things. If there is a problem, we can sit down, talk like adults and find a solution. I never have to clean up after him. He’s an adult, and he behaves like one.
Finally, accountability is another trait that I look for in a man, and you see it especially in older men. Most young people like to blame others or society for their mistakes. If he takes responsibility for his mistake and apologizes even if he is not wrong, then he is mature enough to be called a man.
