Clap, clap, clap, blah, blah, blah, meow, meow, me-OUCH!

My Number of Claps for Your Article Will Be Determined by the Actions of My Demon Cat

Or, maybe this article is just about cats. My cat and I were debating it when he disappeared in a puff of smoke

Cats. Whaddaya gonna do with ‘em? They ignore you when you want to cuddle. They bite you when you want to pet them. They rarely play fetch. They knock over your laptop, and everything else they feel is in the wrong spot. And they only want affection when you are reading Medium or writing your epic manifesto about, well, cats.

So, since cats are pretty useless, generally, I decided to use mine to help me determine how many claps an article should receive. Why? To see if he can do more than take up space and knock things over.

When it comes to him wanting attention, it doesn’t matter that I have been home all day, chasing him around the room trying to get a hug, or to get him to meow words like, “Mama,” or “Just leave me alone, for Chrissake!” He wants nothing to do with it. The other day, I couldn’t find him for hours. Of course, I had my phone in my hand, hoping to get footage of him meow-speaking so I can make enough money off of a viral video to pay his vet bills. But, no. Instead, he hides in the laundry basket, or between the couch cushions, until I give up and sit down to read or write.

So, in January I said to myself (because my cat won’t listen to me), “Let’s do this, Pedro!”

Pedro is my cat. Was. . .my cat.

Medium rules limits the number of claps to 50. If you got claps from me in January, here is what the number you received means and how it relates to my weird, demon-possessed cat:

• 0 claps: Your article was so interesting and fascinating and so well written it stunned me into forgetting to clap. Or, my cat was sniffing around the power strip my computer was plugged into and I didn’t want him to get shocked, so I could not clap and had to chase him away . . .several times. But I forgot my phone. I’m pretty sure his “meow” sounded like, “Fuck off!” One big pay day missed!

• 1–5 claps: Your article was so interesting and fascinating and so well written it stunned me, momentarily, then when I started to clap, my cat peed on the power strip, burning out my computer and setting the house on fire. Also, I had to take my cat to the emergency room because he burned his cat-penis peeing on the power strip. I am pretty sure his “meow” sounded like, “My cat-penis! Sonuvabitch, that hurts!” I got that one on video, but my phone burned up in the fire. I know that one would have made me rich, because it was funny as hell. Well, I mean, poor cat. But it was funny. It’s okay, though. He was better, no permanent damage. He just limped a little. Probably for sympathy from the girl cat next door.

• 6–15 claps: Your article was so interesting and fascinating and so well written it stunned me. However, my cat kept me up all night mewling because his cat-penis hurt from aforementioned burns. I fell asleep in the middle of the article with my finger on the clap button. Then the cat bit me to wake me up and feed him. Then he limped over and tried to pee on the power strip, again. I am thinking of getting a new cat. One that’s not broken, or demon-possessed. But I don’t know if they exist. I was too tired to get the new phone to record him. But I am pretty sure he said, “FEED ME, SEYMOUR!” in a reeaallyyy deep voice. My name is not Seymour.

• 16–25 claps: Your article was so interesting and fascinating and so well written it stunned me. Or, I had to stop clapping to get my cat away from the power strip again, and forgot to finish clapping. I cannot afford another vet ER trip and his cat-penis cannot take another burn. However, I am pretty sure he was just trying to get me close to the power strip. As soon as I went to shoo him away, he jumped on the desk and knocked over my water glass, spilling directly into the new power strip I was just about to move. Fortunately, I learned from the last time and had a fire extinguisher handy. Alexa, from my Echo Show, told me later that Pedro’s meow sounded like, “Die, writer scum, and feed my soulless heart!” I called Google and asked if Alexa could understand cats. They said, “No, stupid.” Alexa laughed in the background.

• 25–50 claps: Your article was so interesting and fascinating and so well written it stunned me. However, my cat and I were fighting over the power strip once more. I decided to see how many claps I could get in before he peed on the power strip again. I grabbed my phone to record him. As soon as I grabbed the phone, he disappeared in a puff of sulfur-smelling smoke. I din’t even have a chance to hit record. I waited a day or two and when he didn’t return, I went out and got a dog. A female dog. One with no penis. She’s been wonderful. She hasn’t once tried to kill me, or spoken in a deep, scary voice.

Now, I have to go back to Best Buy and exchange my Echo Show. But every time I try to unplug it, sparks fly from the outlet, and Alexa laughs a weird, deep laugh.

I think my cat has possessed Alexa and my Echo. It’s playing the top fifteen songs with backwards Satanic messages hidden in them. Some weird shit, there. And to think I used to like Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven.

And now my dog is missing. I think I smell sulfur.

Disclaimer:

No cats, or dogs, or Alexas, were actually injured or killed in the writing of this article. I don’t have a cat, I never want a cat, cats are unnatural, cats are possessed by demons, and I am a dog person. Also, Alexa is recording everything you say for the Alphabet Company so they can sell me stuff I don’t need, and tell the government what I do in private, so I don’t have an Alexa in my house.

Below is an example of a possessed cat.

Dogs are sweet, cuddly, loving, obedient, friendly, and everything cats are not, including demon-free. Dogs let you clap as much as you want, as long as you are happy. They are fluffy, play ball, and have cold noses. Below is an example of a demon-free, cute little baby puppy sweetums!