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Abstract

gcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@matthijssm?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Matthijs Smit</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h1 id="f49a">The secret to achieving your New Year’s resolutions when everyone else fails is:</h1><p id="49ab" type="7">Make your resolutions stuff you DON’T want to do.</p><p id="adef">Why would anyone resolve to accomplish something they do not desire? Easy. Because no one achieves their New Year’s Resolutions. By the inverse paradox principle, you don’t do the thing you didn’t want to do.</p><p id="f397">If, against all the odds, you DO accomplish your goal in 2024, you can brag about your superior willpower and self-control to the unfortunate masses running ultra marathons and surviving kale smoothies.</p><h2 id="72f3">Example 1:</h2><p id="475a">86.1% of New Year’s resolutions involve getting in shape, eating healthier, exercising regularly, or losing weight. Don’t be the sucker who buys a gym membership and works out on Jan 2, Jan 10, Feb 13, and NeverTember 1st.</p><p id="3a3b">Instead, make your resolution to be fatter than a keg o’ mayonnaise.</p><p id="0cf5">“Last year, my goal was to lose 20 pounds. This year, my goal is to gain 40 pounds.”</p><p id="7aa6">When you stroll into the office after spring break wearing pants two sizes larger than before, your coworkers will be infinitely jealous of your first-quarter self-improvement success. If the miraculous happens and you lose 20 pounds, your failed resolution will leave your body in better shape than last year. It’s a win-win.</p><h2 id="4b11">Example 2:</h2><p id="840f">41.3% of resolutions in First-World countries involve limiting screen time on phones, tablets, computers, and

Options

televisions. You could be the person who spends quality time hiking nature trails with friends and relatives.²</p><p id="110d">Instead, resolve to binge <i>Netflix</i> until your eyeballs dry out.</p><p id="5673">“Last year, my goal was to limit personal screen time to an hour daily. This year, I aim to make <i>Netflix</i>, <i>Hulu</i>, <i>Disney+</i>, <i>Paramount+</i>, <i>HBO Max Plus</i>, <i>YouTube Mega Streamer+Plus+</i>, and <i>Amazon Double Prime Plus+++++</i> go bankrupt because of my streaming behaviors.”</p><p id="4746">Ponder how impressed your ex will be when they learn you watched all forty-two seasons of Survivor in the first two weeks of January — or when you book back-to-back-to-back international flights traveling against the rotation of the earth, jumping time zones, and netting 27-hour-a-day movie marathons. Will they ever doubt your ability to commit to meaningful relationships again? Wedding bells are ringing soon.</p><h1 id="0661">Takeaway</h1><p id="ab20">Don’t be one of the zero-willpower failures setting unrealistic expectations for the new year who collapse from anxiety and underperformance by February. Make your New Year’s resolutions stuff you’ll actually do.</p><p id="5339">My goal is to gain 400 pounds. Cheers. ³</p><h1 id="e635">Footnotes:</h1><p id="dbcf">¹ They also have homes with well-manicured shrubbery and unnecessarily aggressive security staff.</p><p id="28a1">² Historically, New Year’s Resolutions are uncommon in the Developing World. Nothing flashy or “keeping up with the Joneses” about setting a goal to “eat an ear of corn as my only sustenance this week.”</p><p id="6fd6">³ The previous story is satire and does not constitute medical advice. The author has never been <i>caught</i> hiding in Oprah’s bushes.</p></article></body>

SELF IMPROVEMENT

My New Year’s Resolution is to Gain 400 Pounds

The secret success formula that Oprah doesn’t want you to know

**This could be you, wasting your time** — Photo by Vlada Karpovich

Tired of failing to live up to your parents’ or partners’ expectations?

Read on for the tippy top-secret formula to slaying your annual New Year’s resolutions.

Question:

What do Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Jillian Michaels, Oprah, and the Chicken Soup for the Soul people have in common — besides restraining orders keeping me 300 feet or more from their person or residence?

Answer:

None of these inspirational gurus will tell you the secret about to be revealed to you.¹

Self-improvement empires are built on selling products that seem exciting but fizzle out before the lasting change. Suppose you become healthy, wealthy, and wise. In that case, you have no incentive to buy books, CDs, healing crystals, the Santeria Candle of the Month Club, or Make Your Inner Goddess Great Again celebrity awakeness retreats. These thought leaders wouldn’t be billionaires if their advice worked.

Instead, I’ll reveal the answer, so simple you’ll kick yourself in the kidneys for not knowing. And the big reveal is FREE.

Drumroll, please…

The secret to achieving your New Year’s resolutions when everyone else fails is:

Make your resolutions stuff you DON’T want to do.

Why would anyone resolve to accomplish something they do not desire? Easy. Because no one achieves their New Year’s Resolutions. By the inverse paradox principle, you don’t do the thing you didn’t want to do.

If, against all the odds, you DO accomplish your goal in 2024, you can brag about your superior willpower and self-control to the unfortunate masses running ultra marathons and surviving kale smoothies.

Example 1:

86.1% of New Year’s resolutions involve getting in shape, eating healthier, exercising regularly, or losing weight. Don’t be the sucker who buys a gym membership and works out on Jan 2, Jan 10, Feb 13, and NeverTember 1st.

Instead, make your resolution to be fatter than a keg o’ mayonnaise.

“Last year, my goal was to lose 20 pounds. This year, my goal is to gain 40 pounds.”

When you stroll into the office after spring break wearing pants two sizes larger than before, your coworkers will be infinitely jealous of your first-quarter self-improvement success. If the miraculous happens and you lose 20 pounds, your failed resolution will leave your body in better shape than last year. It’s a win-win.

Example 2:

41.3% of resolutions in First-World countries involve limiting screen time on phones, tablets, computers, and televisions. You could be the person who spends quality time hiking nature trails with friends and relatives.²

Instead, resolve to binge Netflix until your eyeballs dry out.

“Last year, my goal was to limit personal screen time to an hour daily. This year, I aim to make Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Paramount+, HBO Max Plus, YouTube Mega Streamer+Plus+, and Amazon Double Prime Plus+++++ go bankrupt because of my streaming behaviors.”

Ponder how impressed your ex will be when they learn you watched all forty-two seasons of Survivor in the first two weeks of January — or when you book back-to-back-to-back international flights traveling against the rotation of the earth, jumping time zones, and netting 27-hour-a-day movie marathons. Will they ever doubt your ability to commit to meaningful relationships again? Wedding bells are ringing soon.

Takeaway

Don’t be one of the zero-willpower failures setting unrealistic expectations for the new year who collapse from anxiety and underperformance by February. Make your New Year’s resolutions stuff you’ll actually do.

My goal is to gain 400 pounds. Cheers. ³

Footnotes:

¹ They also have homes with well-manicured shrubbery and unnecessarily aggressive security staff.

² Historically, New Year’s Resolutions are uncommon in the Developing World. Nothing flashy or “keeping up with the Joneses” about setting a goal to “eat an ear of corn as my only sustenance this week.”

³ The previous story is satire and does not constitute medical advice. The author has never been caught hiding in Oprah’s bushes.