NEW FROM THE EDGE
My Neighbors Still Believe I’m Going to Turn into a Zombie from Taking the Covid Vaccine
They want me to stumble around in grocery stores, looking for brains
“You can be as sincere as hell and still be wrong.” ― Jim Butcher, Small Favor
My neighbors are sure the COVID vaccines are transforming me into a non-human. They are younger than we are and still go to work. Every day when they return home, they look at our house expecting zombies. You don’t know how much I want to put on a zombie costume and make-up and stagger over to their house and knock on the door.
It would be so funny, but my husband won’t let me. He thinks they would kill me by stabbing me with a wooden stake or shooting me in the head. I worry he’s right, so I just imagine what fun it would be.
My other idea was to get some cow brains and lay them around in our yard. I know how to clean and cook cow brains as they were a favorite meal of my maternal grandfather. He loved them served with scrambled eggs. Wait, I just got another strong veto from my honey.
Every time I get a shot, they are horrified. I don’t need to tell them; they ask, having heard additional vaccinations are available. And yes, I am a four-dose veteran now. Fully vaccinated with two, count them, two boosters. The zombie virus is growing strong in my veins.
I don’t think I’m turning because I should have been a zombie. I have missed the zombie timeline. At first, they said I would be a zombie within six months of taking the COVID vaccine. Nope, I still walk out to the mailbox every day to get the mail. I wave at them as they peek through their shuttered windows.
Next, it was at the one-year mark. Nope, I’m headed out to Costco to buy up all the toilet paper. I stop over to ask if I can bring something back for them, more boards for the windows perhaps.
Then it was at the eighteen-month mark. Nope, I’m eating grilled quail, hot off my wood pellet grill. Why not? I’ve got plenty. I made them with my Covid vaccinated and washed hands.
So now, my vaccine will turn two years old in 2023. I can’t wait. I think I’m going to have a birthday party to celebrate.
My neighbors are sure the COVID vaccines are transforming me into a non-human. They are younger than we are and still go to work. You don’t know how much I want to put on a zombie costume and make-up and stagger over to their house and knock on the door.
I have no counters for their beliefs since they do not believe anything except their echo chamber. They tell me they have been doing their own research. I did not realize they had a medical research laboratory in their garage.
It makes me sad they are so wrong and so loud.
Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore”, was the other.
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