My Narcissistic Father’s Collection of Pornography Was an Insult to my Mother
Nobody blinked an eye at husbands who disrespected their wives
People are often nostalgic about traditional marriages. However, we rarely discuss the truth of what those unions were like. Society still has a long way to go before we achieve marriage equality, but it’s stunning how terrible it was only a few decades ago.
Growing up, my father made no secret about his collection of pornographic magazines. He’d talk about these in social gatherings without the slightest sign of embarrassment. Having all those magazines was taken as a sign of masculine status for him.
What kind of a man does something like that? What kind of a man brags about blatantly disrespecting his wife in front of his own children? Today, pornography is still a significant problem, but perhaps it can be considered progress that at least some men feel enough shame to hide their addictions.
Growing up in the 80s
My father was a typical baby boomer. When he was growing up, there was no internet pornography. Instead, he had a fixation with Playboy magazine.
My father subscribed to Playboy magazine as soon as he turned 18. This was not a secret. He’d talk about it unprompted. My father would say that he subscribed to Playboy for the articles. The people present seemed to accept this as a reasonable justification.
I don’t have a single memory of anyone scolding my dad for publicly talking about his pornography collection. These discussions would take place over Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family.
Even his prudish sisters that were prone to slapping the teenage boys in the face if they made an off-color remark had nothing to say about the porn talk.
What the heck was the matter with them? At best they’d go stone faced. At worst they’d laugh and join in the conversation.
His prized collection
Throughout all the years, my father never threw any of his pornographic magazines away. He stored them in boxes up in the attic. My mother prohibited any of us from going up into the attic.
My younger brother never did what he was told. He was the one who discovered the complete collection of Playboy magazines going back decades.
When my brother turned thirteen, he started to have a bunch of money. He always had the latest video games and toys. We wondered where the money came from, but we didn’t ask questions. Later on, he started spending his extra cash on alcohol and drugs.
Eventually, we discovered that he had gotten into the business of selling my father’s magazines at school. He was selling the magazines for twenty or thirty dollars each.
My mom finally had enough
My mother eventually put her foot down and made my father throw all of his pornography away. To this day, she says he never forgave her for that.
I never heard what became of the magazines. Did they load them into the car and take them to the dump? Did they burn them?
I once brought up the topic to my dad. I asked him if he would object to my mom subscribing to some kind of penis magazine. I asked him if he would mind if my mom had boxes and boxes of magazines in the attic with pictures of handsome young men with washboard abs and gigantic phalluses.
He didn’t like the idea.
When my dad got super angry, every muscle in his face would tighten up and he wouldn’t be able to speak. When that happened, it was best to run away.
I’ve never seen my dad get so angry as I did when I suggested mom should be allowed to look at other naked men. Why the double standard? How could he justify that?
His only response was rage that I’d even ask. What does that tell you?
A lifetime of porn addiction
As recently as a few decades ago, society thought it was perfectly acceptable for men to hoard pornographic magazines in their houses. This wasn’t a dirty little secret. Many men would share these magazines with their friends right in front of their wives.
My mother went to high school with my father. She was a year younger than he was and they went to college together. It’s odd to think that throughout their entire adult lifetime together, he was hording pornography and basically rubbing it in her face.
Every single time they moved, she had to help him load up the boxes and boxes of pornography. She had to carry these boxes from their old home or apartment to their new living place. She also had to put up with him righteously justifying his ownership of these magazines in front of friends and family.
She had to put up with new pornographic magazines arriving in the mail every couple months. Some people consider Playboy magazine to be a collectible magazine. The idea of collecting somebody’s pornography is disgusting.
Sick, selfish behavior
Narcissists are known for being completely selfish individuals. My father would defend his right to horde pornography to anyone who would listen. We weren’t even allowed to discuss whether or not there might be a detrimental psychological consequence for the whole family.
He didn’t care.
This is a good example to demonstrate the basic psychology of a narcissist. They spend an enormous amount of energy insisting a certain behavior is acceptable. But all of those arguments only apply to them. If my mom had subscribed to porn, I truly believe he might have killed her.
This also demonstrates why it’s so difficult for children to maintain relationships with narcissistic parents. When you are growing up, you model the behavior of your parents. Children of narcissistic parents who model their parents behavior are likely to get beaten as a consequence.
It wasn’t that long ago when society thought it was perfectly acceptable for men to blatantly disrespect their wives in public. To this day there are still a lot of socially tolerated ways where men demonstrate blatant disrespect. We’ve still have a long way to go.
The lingering and ever present threat of violence deters many valid objections. We should all work to treat each other with more basic decency. Anyone who believes that certain rules only apply to them is a guaranteed abuser.
How can anyone be expected to live with someone like that?