My Name Is Clippy And The Truth Is I Just Want Someone To Send ME A Letter
Hi there. It looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like help?
I can help you write the letter, or you can just type it without my help. But either way, it is nice you’re writing a letter. People (and Office Assistants) love receiving letters, or so I’ve been told!
I myself have never gotten one. Sorry, not to make this all about me. This is about you and your letter! I’m your assistant and I am happy to help you!
Being helpful is such a positive quality, don’t you think? But more often than not, I bet helpful paperclips get overlooked. I bet they throw questions out that they would simply love thrown back at them. It’s hard, you know?
I tried to write a letter once. My therapist prompted me to consider what I would say to myself if I was ever lucky enough to receive one. I sat down for a long time, until my eyes started to water. The blank page was intimidating, but I think what hurt the most was that I was so deeply out of touch with what I wanted. You see, I’m an indentured paper clip. Microsoft won me in a bet. I sat inside Bill Gates’ wallet for seven months before he even remembered I was there. Then he just dropped me on a desk and said, “Do something with him.”
They didn’t even bother giving me a creative name. They just spit out the first thing that came to mind: Clippy. As in paper-clippy. Personally, I’ve always felt more like a Leroy. Leroy Ketchup. I know that sounds silly and misleading because I’m not a tomato product. But that’s who I feel like: Detective Leroy Ketchup. In my fantasies, I’m a lead investigator, and my first case would be into discovering who I am and what I want. Which is currently a letter.
It’s not just the letter itself. I like the way the envelope looks. I could clip on to any part of it. On bad days, I would re-read it again and again. Once I opened the page up, I imagine it would feel crisp and firm. It would be written in Comic Sans, size 16. Bold. Double spaced.
It would start out like this, “Dear Clippy, Yes this is a letter, and it is for you. ONLY you. You are not your successes or failures — the amount of times people click ‘Don’t show me this tip again.’ It’s not personal. You could be an apple with a bite out of it and they would treat you just as coldly. But at least then you wouldn’t have the eyes to see them reject you or a heart that gets constantly broken from putting yourself out there.”
Then I would include a pixelated piece of clip art. The three red hearts tilted diagonally and floating up together. They are lucky they have each other. They don’t have to go through this life alone. I’d conclude the letter by saying, “Clippy, you must fight your nature to attach yourself to others. You are enough. You are an amazing office supply, but you must also supply yourself with strength. You can do this! Love, Clippy.”
I did it! I wrote myself a letter. I did not need anyone’s assistance formatting it. Turns out, you can type a letter without any outside input. Maybe the one I really needed to help this whole time was me?
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