My Name

Lillian is an English variant transcription of the name Elizabeth. It consists of 7 letters and three syllables. It is the dreadful mornings of remembrance, like the way you once loved something, but it has come to an end. It means hopefulness for a change to a sad memory of a name. It sounds like rain bouncing off the windows while your grandfather is smoking a pipe to the sadness of the wind howling.

It is the hopefulness you feel after the last goodbye because everything is about to change. It was my great — grandmother’s name. My great-grandmother was a porcelain doll, long grey hair always in rollers with a white gown on. She was born in the month of the Scorpio like me. Stubborn like a toddler in the candy store that does not take no for an answer.

Ambitious and judgmental as if she were the queen and everyone shall kneel before her. I do not remember much of my great-grandmother. The stubbornness she showed towards my great-grandfather when we would walk into mass on Sunday morning while the choir would sing. A stubborn woman, I planned to follow along in her footsteps. Making it known she was not my great-grandfather’s rag doll, not knowing everything was about to change.

The change in her grace. As if my great — grandfather took away her dignity. She sits and stares at herself in the mirror, remembering what it was like to be ambitious. I do not want to be like her. My family says my name is unique and beautiful, like a particular dress made to fit one. Lillian said with regret, like my grandmother, who gave her dignity to please a man.

Lillian is a name washed up and covered in shame. So, I chose to go by lily, a beautiful flower. Elegant and beautiful standing tall, never full of regret, always standing tall, full of passion. So, I go by Lily.