My Mother Disowned Me For the Second Time Yesterday
How my subconscious mind is attempting to protect me from further hurt
Doom and gloom
I have been working myself into a lather by catastrophizing.
It seems to be my go-to thing whenever things tend to get overwhelming.
“I just came out of one relationship; what am I doing in a second one so soon?”
“I’m not ready for it. Anyways, it will fail like every other one in my past, so why bother?”
“Falling in love is for those with stars in their eyes. That never lasts.”
And so on go the irrational thoughts…
As a result, I find myself distancing from my current relationship, which is still in its early stages.
This coping mechanism has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with me.
You see, it was triggered by an event (the circumstances had no connection to my romantic relationship) that made me envision a catastrophic outcome for a future situation that hasn’t materialized yet.
Family drama
Something happened yesterday that made me wonder whether it is a good idea to form a new emotional connection and relationship when none of my existing ones (family) seem happy or thriving.
It slowly but predictably spiraled into one of those “I am choosing to turn away and withdraw in this situation. I am closing myself off” days.
I spent most of the day in bed, crying.
No, I am not a banner holder for toxic positivity slogans because I have never believed in slapping a smiley-faced bandaid on how I feel. I am certainly not ashamed of feeling sad or overwhelmed; these emotions are a natural part of being human, after all.
I would say it is quite natural to feel the way I do especially after my mother disowned me for the second time yesterday. The first time around, we didn’t speak for a very long time (her decision).
If I were to view it from an objective lens, I would say it is not uncommon for parents who are separated in my culture to pick the child they prefer to live with. The kids usually have no choice. In my case, my mom picked my sister when she moved out.
In my experience, emotional and mental abandonment by a mother is hard-hitting at any age. Yes, I was terribly hurt by the way things turned out, but I have never held any grudge against her for making the choices that she did. And I credit my father for giving me the love and care of two parents combined, so I never felt I was lacking.
As my mom started growing older and more frail, she and my sibling stopped seeing eye to eye. That may be the reason she decided to reach out to me. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t realize how manipulative she is becoming, but again, she is my mother, and I don’t think it is my place to call an 80-year-old with memory loss out.
All I can say is that when things with my sibling became intolerable, she came to me, hoping I’d take her side against my sister and father. When I didn’t, she conveniently adopted an “I will not breathe until my request is granted” attitude. Either her way or the highway, or she becomes downright belligerent and abusive.
Par for the course.
Perhaps, if I were younger and more naive, that strategy would have worked. This time, I stuck to my boundaries.
The end result was she disowned me, yet again.
Reassurance
The last time this happened, I withdrew so far into myself that my then-partner described me as the ‘crazy daughter’ or a ‘crazy mother.’ Perhaps people with TV sitcom-style perfect familial relationships cannot empathize or relate to such situations.
I don’t blame them. However, I also think they have their head too far up their behinds to see that the world is beyond just two colors.
Despite the emotional onslaught of yesterday’s drama, something someone said struck me, and their words were: “Follow it out.”
In other words, if you sense a calling to pursue something, you should heed it. I’d like to think it was a timely message for me to sit up and reflect on what I was hoping to achieve by distancing myself from the person I love.
Why is my default setting when overstressed to catastrophize that my current relationship will go the way of every other relationship when he has been nothing but empathetic and supportive thus far?
Writing is my way of approaching my emotional withdrawal constructively. I am not only acknowledging what I am doing but, at the same time, detaching from my emotional reactions to understand the essence of the situation that is unfolding. Then comes the next scary step — to be open and vulnerable to my boyfriend about what is happening. And hope he would understand.
Amazingly, he beat me to it. In his morning message, he reassured me that I am cherished exactly as I am, emotional baggage and family drama notwithstanding.