My Mom Wasn’t My Role Model

Here’s how I became the woman I am today

Growing up, I didn’t talk much. I had few friends. People would often ask me if I was ok.

Maybe I had a sad presence.

On the contrary, I wasn’t despondent. I was more observant. I listened more than I spoke and learned a lot from practicing this habit.

I internalized my thoughts, and when I felt it was too much in my head, I would write them down in a journal I had.

Writing in my journal releases the tension or anxiety I have.

I had many questions while growing up. I didn’t feel close to my mom to ask her about them. She never created an environment where I felt comfortable speaking or sharing my thoughts with her.

I admired the mother-daughter relationship I’ve seen with other girls my age with their mother and wished my mom and I shared that kind of bond.

My parent’s relationship fell apart.

My mom has four children. My oldest sister has always lived with my grandmother. We were never close; maybe it's because she never lived with us. Then there was my sister, two years older. I’m the third, and my brother was the youngest.

My mother was a stay-at-home mom. Her husband and our father was a policeman and the sole breadwinner of our family. He worked in the city about 40 miles from where we lived.

I couldn’t understand the dynamics of their marriage or the relationship they had. Our Father would come home one weekend in an entire month. We were lucky to see him on odd days of the week.

I then realize their relationship had gone sour.

They divorced while I was in high school.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

When I lived with them, there was a bombshell when I was about 12 years old. My father suggested in a heated exchange with my mom that he was not my Dad. They didn’t know that I was able to hear them from the next room.

This would hang over my head, weighed heavily on my mind into my adolescent years.

It was a tumultuous journey ahead as I matured and became a woman.

I went off to high school in a neighboring town and stayed much of my high school years with a family I met at church. Her children and I went to the same high school, within walking distance from their house.

My mother seldomly checked on me to see how I was doing. She never made an effort to meet with the family I stayed with for 2 years.

“I started questioning if my mom cared.

“The shortest road to ruin is to emulate the methods of your own adversary” — Winston Churchill

The women who became my role model

Aunt Channis took me in as her own daughter. It was in her that I saw and experienced the kind of mother I longed for. I wished my mother had shown me that kind of love and care I yearned for.

Aunt Channis was the epitome of the parent I wanted to emulate when I become a mother myself.

Here are some of the qualities I saw in Aunt Channis that I admired and considered good parenting.

1. She cared — by initiating dialogue to see what was going on with us at school and personally. In some uncomfortable conversations, she set the tone, and we felt at ease talking about anything with her.

Children need to know that their parent cares. It’s not just providing basic food and shelter. Talk to them about their needs and feelings as they transition through the stages of their developing years.

2. She was dependable — She always showed up at school events. She was always present at every parent-teacher association meeting. She would show up to cheer us on at events we participated in.

Kids feel safe when they have dependable parents. When they know they can trust your word, they feel safe. Make promises you can honor — be on time, show up for your children at school meetings, sports events they’re involved in, and the things that matter to them.

3. She was encouraging — She was the ultimate motivator. She boosted our self-esteem in areas we felt inadequate. When we doubted ourselves, she always had a good bout of motivation to make us feel better.

Please encourage your child to become their best selves. To not compare themselves to others but be themselves. Ask them about their school and how they’re coping. Show interest in their homework and assignments.

4. She was compassionate — She was compassionate towards our needs and insecurities. She would hug and show love toward all of us. She never took sides or show favoritism. She would try to reach amicable compromises all the time, no matter who is right or wrong.

Children need to experience and develop compassion. They need to be comforted when they’re hurt, regardless of whether they are wrong or right in any situation. They shouldn't feel like, “My mom is going to kill me.” The first thought should be, let me talk to my mom. Validate your child's feelings, so you're the first they’ll think about talking to when they're faced with problems or uncomfortable situations.

5. She was fun — We played games together. Watered the plants and enjoyed playful moments of laughter about silly things.

Laugh and have fun with your kids. Don’t be serious all the time about parenting. Watch their favorite show with them, take a walk, play a game and relax with your kids. By doing this, you can learn a lot about each other and create memories that will last a lifetime.

Then there was Ms. Forth, my next-door neighbor.

She was a professional who managed the county’s General Hospital. I admired so many things about her and would visit her house and engage her in conversations. We talked about what I wanted to be when I grew up and my experiences at school.

Here are some of the things I’ve learned from her and adopted in my own life.

• She was a working independent woman. She wasn’t dependent on a man for her survival.
• She found time to be of service to her community and chose her friends wisely — the kind that could motivate and elevate her.
• She took time out to attend to herself. She went on vacations and attended social events.
• She kept a beautiful home. I credit her for all the compliments I got from visitors to my home.

Cultivate your own role models if you don’t have one

Others influenced my life as well, which wasn’t my mother.

When I started my first job straight out of college at one of the largest Insurance companies in the city, I saw so many other women I admired for their drive to succeed and become independent.

They were passionate about their work: some juggled work, parenting, and continued educational advancement.

I took a leaf from many of those women's books.

As I go through life, I meet and read about many other women who were movers and shakers. In admiration, I use them as an example to mold and shape myself into the woman I am today.

“One of the best ways to elevate your character is to emulate worthy role models “— Epictetus

To this day, it is a joy to admire good qualities worthy of emulating in other women.

Although my Mom wasn’t able to be my role model. She did what she did the way she knew how. We would never go to bed hungry, walked barefooted, nor be without clothes.

Not all of us have the benefit of having a role model in our home. All my inspirations came from other women.

Find the people who inspire you to become what you want to become — the woman you want to be, the parent your child can be proud of.

Did you have role models in your life outside your home? Please share your experience in the comments.