My mental health is more important than My YouTube Channel
Maybe one day I will be able to handle it
When I started my YouTube channel, I didn’t think about the role my mental illness would play. Sitting in front of the camera, sometimes I discussed my life with schizoaffective disorder and even provided education on the topic. After all, the channel is a vlog about me just being me. Have you ever heard someone say that their life should be a sitcom. That was never me, but I figured it would be something to talk about until I finally figure out my niche.
As I got comfortable talking in front of the camera, I uploaded more videos. It became easier when I learned about shorts. I uploaded 6–8 videos per day sometimes because it was so easy. I never edited my videos because I wanted them to be me in real life (and I don’t know how to edit them). Uploading to my channel turned out to be something to clear my head, have a laugh, and do something that could maybe turn into something.
I knew I wouldn’t become a well-known YouTuber or make millions of dollars. That would be nice, but I remained realistic. Being someone with such a fear of public speaking that it kept me from doing many things, this felt like a milestone. It felt like I was getting closer to overcoming one of my greatest fears.
That is, until I started getting views.
Things started off pretty good with some supportive subscribers. They cheered me on when I talked about my weight loss journey and even when I made mom jokes that my son thought were nowhere near funny. It felt good, because I was being myself and random people liked what I had to say. They laughed with me and picked me up on down days when I discussed the struggles of dealing with a mental disorder.
That’s when reality kicked in and the tables turned. I started getting comments about my looks and saying I should stop trying to be funny. Now random people would comment on my videos just to point out what they considered my flaws and saying the most horrible things. It came to the point that nothing was said about my actual content, it was all about putting me down.
The first couple of judgemental comments really got to me. I am normally very confident and uncaring about what other people think. I know that I’m not the best looking woman in the world, but I always loved myself while embracing what I may consider my flaws. Still, the wave of negative comments about the way I looked caused me to stare into the mirror with a heavy heart. I started to see what they were talking about and it didn’t feel good.
I found myself trying to figure out ways to change myself and try to hide those flaws before I recorded. I didn’t want to show that the words were getting to me, so I kept recording and responded to each comment with a simple, “thanks for watching”. I didn’t talk to anyone about the comments or how they were bothering me. I smiled through it all in videos and when I talked to my husband about the hundreds of views I got on my little short videos.
Keeping it all inside weighed on me overtime and living with schizoaffective disorder made the feelings and thoughts magnified. I started to think, periodically, that maybe they are right. My positive self-talk disappeared and all the words in my mind were negative. Every time I looked in the mirror, the comments would repeat in my head. I found myself feeling so down that I no longer felt like recording.
I had to realize that putting myself on the internet means that I am opening myself up to criticism. It comes along with it, because there are people who thrive on talking bad about others, especially if they are hidden behind a screen. I had to step back from my channel until I could handle what was going to be thrown my way. It isn’t worth fighting depression, because of a stranger that I will never meet in real life. One day I will record more, but my mental health is more important.