My Mental Health Crisis Was a Blessing in Disguise

Sometimes our biggest challenges are paths to growth and success.

In early 2000, I started a new semester at a community college. I’d been out of prison 2 years and college was challenging.

The pressure of taking 15 units was intense. I struggled through the first few public speaking ordeals in 2 classes, but it was getting a lot harder. When I spoke, my heart rate was through the roof, I was sweating, I had a hard time looking at my audience, and I kept forgetting more and more content. Sometimes I stopped mid-sentence and had to regroup.

I found out I had social anxiety, an oftentimes debilitating condition that makes people feel extreme anxiety when they have to talk or perform other activities in front of other people.

Then things got worse.

Just thinking about upcoming speeches or job interviews made me feel extremely agitated and slightly dizzy. I felt like something terrible was about to happen. My social anxiety had now progressed to panic attacks.

I also had obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which was forcing me to make strange math calculations over 1.5 hours a day. I also compulsively re-read passages from textbooks and constantly counted things.

I was stuck in an unbearable, endless loop of anxiety.

I couldn’t relax. I no longer enjoyed doing the things I used to love.

The OCD, panic attacks, and social anxiety had morphed into beasts that infiltrated every area of my life and made me feel like I was in another reality.

After a severely anxiety-ridden day, I’d often lay in bed and feel a strange pulsating sensation in my head and ears before I drifted off to sleep — my only escape from this hell.

Search for Help

I knew I needed help, so I saw a psychologist at a big healthcare organization.

The psychologist agreed I had OCD, social anxiety, and panic attacks. She immediately wanted to get me started on medication.

I told her I didn’t want to take medication unless I absolutely had to. I know many people need it, but I also believe it’s oftentimes grossly over-prescribed.

I asked her if I could instead try cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). She said she wasn’t familiar with it. I was surprised to hear that someone with a doctorate in psychology didn’t know CBT.

I felt a lot of dark emotions that day.

I felt defeated, disappointed, and even more agitated.

I felt alone.

I wondered if I’d ever get better.

Another Perspective

Several weeks later, I took a deeper look at my mental health dilemma. I thought, “I’ve survived a lot of shit in life — an abusive dad, a bad childhood, prison, divorce, and the death of close family members. There’s gotta be a way out of this, too.”

During the next few months, I did a lot of online research and bought some excellent books on how to treat OCD, panic attacks, and social anxiety. I learned everything I could about how these disorders affect the mind and body and how drugs, CBT, and mindfulness help people with these mental challenges.

Then I did the HARD work.

I used self-guided CBT to battle the social anxiety. I slowly confronted my worst fears. I enrolled in a Debate class to fight my fear of public speaking. I spoke out more in class, even though it was painful.

I practiced relaxation and continued putting myself in increasingly stressful situations that gradually desensitized me to the things I was afraid of. I pushed myself into more challenging social situations.

I also used CBT to manage the OCD. I realized I didn’t have to engage in these endless mental charades just because my mind wanted me to. I very slowly began to stop giving in to the irrational demands of my overactive OCD brain.

I later discovered that positively changing the way we think actually changes the structure and function of our brains. It heals them.

I was eventually able to manage both the OCD and social anxiety. The panic attacks disappeared. I was later able to live a happy, fulfilling, and very productive life.

The Challenge Can Become “the Way”

Learning how to manage my OCD and social anxiety wasn’t easy. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.

It took me 4 years to get the OCD under control. It took 6 years to manage the social anxiety and get comfortable with public speaking and socializing with a wide variety of people.

It took a shit ton of work.

Even today, I sometimes feel the OCD trying to pull me back into the vortex of repetition, but the huge difference between now and then is that I can manage it. I can say to myself, “I see you OCD” and move on without allowing it to disrupt my life.

We may not get rid of 100% of the remnants of our mental disorders, but we can develop the understanding, mindsets, and techniques we need to manage them and regain control of our lives.

And most importantly, we can live happy, fulfilling, productive, and purposeful lives.

Strangely, the mental problems that have plagued us can become our strengths. They can motivate us to speak about them or write about them so we can help other people who are suffering from them know they’re not alone. Many people with mental health challenges have gone on to become therapists, psychologists, or influential writers or speakers.

Many of us were able to turn these mental health obstacles into paths to transformation and success. We found not only a way out, but also a new purpose in life. As Marcus Aurelius said:

“What stands in the way becomes the way.”

I’m now a professional speaker. I’ve spoken at 7 state prisons, 2 universities, several companies, and some big events. What was once one of my biggest fears has become one of my strengths. I also write about overcoming my challenges and personal development.

If you’re suffering from mental health challenges, always know there’s a way out.

You can get through it.

You can live a happier, more fulfilling life. Each person’s situation is different and certain people suffer from more severe forms of mental illness than others.

I described how I dealt with this problem. You may find you need mental health therapy, drugs, psychedelic therapy, or other treatment options. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

No matter what approach you choose, you first have to accept the condition, but know it doesn’t define who you are as a human being. Then you have to be willing to endure the pain as you work through it. You have to put in the hard work and believe there’s a path to a better life.

Don’t give up. You’re not alone.

There’s a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel, even though it’s initially hard to see.

You just have to step into the tunnel and know that the life you deserve is on the other side of it.

To learn more about OCD, check out the International OCD Foundation.

To learn more about social anxiety, check out the Social Anxiety Association.