MEMOIR | PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

My Memories of Invasive Gestures, Disregarded Boundaries, and the Evolution of Social Awareness

In which I explore the struggle for personal space amidst shifting mentalities in a post-revolutionary landscape

In the Shadows of Rigid Norms

Mentalities take a long time to adapt to historical and cultural changes.

The challenges of addressing gender dynamics and the need to set solid personal boundaries are recurring topics of conversation when discussing social reform.

Discussions about the disrespect women experience and the numerous male gestures that invade personal space are frequently met in today's discourse.

In this short memoir, I explore a personal journey through the lens of my young self. During my time in school, rigid norms were prevalent; the gap between the sexes was widening, and people seemed to carelessly disregard others’s personal space.

Have you also experienced it?

I will tell you my story about some memories that came back to me today.

Scented Trails and Sardine-packed Buses

I remember the doughnut stall we always passed by on the way to the bus stop and the intoxicating fried dough smell that always takes me back in time to my gymnasium days (fifth to eighth grade).

Back then, girls were subjected to particular looks from boys and from older men too. Were I to wear a skirt, the looks and hands of guys were shaking with anticipation of some horrible idea they had in mind. It was gross and scary. I was only acting instinctually in many cases, protecting my body and my space, or at least trying to.

All this was happening in a post-communist “new country,” so to speak, even if not much had changed mentality-wise right after the revolution of 1989 in Romania. I started 5th grade in 1995.

Outside of the school, I just had to walk fast and not go astray from my path toward the bus stop. Sometimes it felt like a marathon. I just wanted to get home faster and hoped to catch an empty bus. But alas, usually at that time of the day, all buses were full, and people were crowding inside like sardines.

I still feel traumatized by the thought of feeling others’ sweat or touching other’s bodies because buses were so crowded. Later, I learned that I only had to wait for the next bus, which was usually much better. I craved my personal space; my aura was always scarred by other people’s intrusions.

Discovering Boundaries Across Oceans

Only during my high school exchange in the USA, did I realize that personal space needs to be respected.

What was happening back in my country during the 5th–8th grade could be deemed harassment. I always avoided wearing a skirt because of the crowded buses.

On the other side of the world, in Hawaii, I learned that I had the right to my personal space, and it felt sublime and finally fair.

Street Harassment and the Absence of Personal Boundaries Education

Anyway, let’s get back to my story. Back in the day, what society deemed “funny” was the after-school whistling from men on the street towards girls. I'm sorry that the little girl I used to be consistently felt that uncomfortable intrusion. There should have been stricter rules and limitations in the past.

Feeling like my personal boundaries were being encroached upon was an incredibly difficult experience. It left me feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable, and deep in my subconscious, I felt it was not okay. But we were not taught about personal boundaries and respect back then. Respect was meant for teachers, doctors, and the elderly.

The Unsettling Tradition of Cheek Kisses

On the school premises, teachers, seemingly indifferent, paid little attention to the discomfort that permeated the hallways.

On birthdays, we followed the tradition of sharing chocolates with all the kids in the class and the teachers. It was an unconventional practice in which we kissed the cheeks.

The exchange of kisses on the cheeks was a customary occurrence, and nobody questioned it.

It was a seemingly simple ritual, yet with varying degrees of intimacy—some kisses wetter than others, some resembling mere pecks, and others barely making contact. The discomfort that accompanied these diverse gestures remained ingrained in my memory, yet somehow blocked by my subconscious.

I am pretty sure that in those times, many kids shared my unease. We all somehow just adopted the unexpected tradition thrust upon us during what should have been a happy celebration.

Generational Contrasts and Triggered Memories

It's funny how my eldest son's unique way of celebrating his birthday brought it all back to me. It really got me thinking about how every person has their own way of marking important moments in life, depending largely on the customs of the time. It's just one of those things that makes us all so strangely different, doesn’t it? Ok, maybe not explicitly strange, but I digress.

Instead of the customary chocolates, my son chose to offer each classmate a small juice and a small, packed bear cake. When I asked him if anyone kissed him for the sweets, I met his suspicious gaze when he replied, “No way!” I wanted to jump for joy, and I surely did it in my mind.

It was at this moment that I told him about my own childhood experiences, where classmates and teachers routinely exchanged two kisses on the cheeks during birthdays or name days when chocolates were shared. He brushed it off like an inexplicable story, far from his own current reality.

The contrast between our experiences brought to light the evolving nature of traditions and the changing dynamics of social norms over the years.

And wow, this short conversation with my son unleashed a stream of memories that I thought I had forgotten forever. This is how triggers work; they dig out what our subconscious has blocked, unpleasant memories, and even traumas.

Final Reflections on Navigating Change and Unveiling Memories

In this short piece, I wanted to understand the changing mindsets and social expectations across generations. I wrote about gender dynamics, and personal boundaries and touched upon women's widespread harassment.

Each memory carries a chapter in my transforming story, from the smells of doughnut booths to crowded buses to the revelation of personal space learned across oceans. The disturbing tradition of cheek kisses and street harassment serves as striking contrasts, highlighting generational shifts experienced at my son’s school birthday party.

All in all, my triggered memories made me understand the need to raise awareness and make changes. By sharing my opinions, I hope to bridge the gap between generations and help everyone comprehend the intricacies of society's expectations and personal boundaries.

What triggers you to remember things from your childhood?

Have you recently experienced a trigger like I did?

Please do share in the comments if you feel so. It would be nice to normalize talking about what we experienced as unfair back in the day.

Gabriela is studying to become a full-stack developer while being a mother of three small kids. This requires her to pay for some graduate programs and boot camps to gain experience. She is writing articles on Medium and Substack to inspire others and fund her journey.

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