My Love Letter to the NBA

An Ode to the 2015–16 NBA Regular Season

We probably should have known this season would be weird When right after the Finals, Khloe hooked up with the Beard The Rockets got Ty Lawson and were favorites out West Morey had three superstars and thought his team was best Most the other free agents stayed home with big extensions LaMarcus went to San Anton’ with championship intentions Golden State had won the belt and kept their team the same Free agency was mostly done except for one big name

DeAndre wanted to be more than just the third banana So he told Dallas he’d sign for a whole lot of manna The Clippers had no backup plan and they started to panic And what happened July 8th was both surreal and manic Emojigate broke out as Clips and Mavs guys took to Twitter Airplane car and chopper pics, hey man don’t be a quitter Kobe tweeted five trophies and MJ sent a goat Paul Pierce tweeted clip art, CP3 banana boat Doc Rivers took him hostage and the team regained his trust Jordan re-signed and Cuban wished it’d all been Cyber Dust

When the season started the Kardashian curse reigned Rockets lost 3 games by 20 and each other blamed James and Dwight were terrible, Kevin McHale was fired Ty eventually was waived, Rox losing ways were mired

The NBA mourned a great loss, Timberwolves coach Flip KG honored on Instagram, a heart-wrenching hat tip The East was more uplifting with the return of PG Dominant on both ends and a new and improved three Skinny Lowry was awesome, his game drew rave review He and DeMar led the Raps to the East number two

But two stories dominated the first months of ball Kobe Bryant’s awful play perhaps the most of all Air balls, travels, and no D punctuated his game He was really terrible, embarrassing his name So it was no huge surprise when late in November Bryant wrote the Players Trib a letter to remember Kobe was retiring, his legacy secure So we cheered on every miss on his retirement tour

Meanwhile something special had begun in Northern Cal The Dubs had come out firing like it was OK Corral Though they were the champs, many pundits doubted Opponents became believers as they all got routed Coach Steve Kerr was sidelined with surgery on his back So Luke Walton led the team on its furious attack 24 straight wins to start was quite unprecedented (Never mind game 25 was the one I attended) Steph and Klay were raining 3s, territory uncharted But of course those Warriors were only getting started

And meanwhile around the league, the other teams played too Zinger brought life to the Knicks but they remained a zoo The Grizzles Matt Barnes (yes the one that almost beat the Dubs) Had some issues with Coach Fish- his wife didn’t want no scrubs So Barnesy drove up to New York and punched Fish in the face That’s probably, why not long after, poor Fisher was replaced

The Celtics were a team effort behind President Brad Jae and Isaiah led the charge, Turner no longer bad Boston played great team defense and no superstars were needed So close to beating Warriors first then in Oakland succeeded

Markieff Morris lost Marcus, went crazy, and was traded But not before on Phoenix, his game he defecated He was better after that in his short Wizards spurt But they missed the playoffs still cuz erryone else was hurt

Chicago missed the playoffs too and they were hard to watch And that was with a healthy Rose, a real kick to the crotch Butler feuded with Coach Fred for no apparent reason Oh well Chi-town no big deal, cuz now it’s Cubbies season

Whiteside was a stud then bust all in a few months span Joe Johnson was cut by the Nets, in Miami the man Who knows what to make of the Heat or if they’ll play til June Poor Chris Bosh got more blood clots, I hope he gets well soon

The Kangz were crazy as always and George Karl led the way He was getting fired but then kept his job the next day Rondo put up empty stats and then there was ol Boogie An enigma but Jalen Rose loves to yell out BOOGIE!!!

Lebron’s had a busy year as player-GM-coach Scorning Love for all to see, crushing him like a roach January he fired Blatt in hope of new beginning But the team has gotten worse, all that in Lue of winning Lebron unfollowed the Cavs and then some more subtweet But we all know Cleveland is still the East team to beat

The All Star break was not in time to stop a Clippers feud One day the team was playing well, and then Blake punched a dude The dude was the equipment guy and everyone was pissed Blake got himself suspended and had a broken fist Back now for a playoff run, might they put up a fight? Don’t count on it, I think they’re done, the team just don’t look right

All Star weekend was a blast, and Klay beat Steph in threes Zach and Aaron dunked it out and brought us to our knees LaVine dunked three times behind the line and won but whoa- Gordon under both legs o’er the mascot stole the show

After the break we started up with a huge Warriors loss Dame scored 51 and roughed up Curry like a boss Portland’s become feisty with that Dame CJ backcourt They’re somehow the West 5 seed after we sold them short

Point Giannis was a thing that happened to Greek Freak That was the Bucks only highlight ‘sides ending the streak The Grizz started Birdman, Farmer, Barnes, Munford one day The injuries have piled up, but playoffs anyway

The Baby T-Wolves are starting to get that “NEXT” feelin’ That Wiggins spin, the Zach X factor, and Rubio dealin’ Towns is rookie of the year and he may take them far KAT got that yarn and at age 20, he’s a superstar

KD’s back and healthy now and that makes me happy Russ has 18 triple dubs and he’s team MVP OKC is super stacked and they are hella fun But they can’t score in the 4th or defend anyone

Ho hum the Spurs won 65, we barely raised a brow Kawhi got crazy good real fast, best 2-way player now LaMarcus and Timmay kept on shooting the midrange Boban crushed in garbage time while looking quite deranged

The game of the year had to have been the Warriors Thunder Steph had rolled his ankle bad and made us start to wonder But he checked back in and started hitting every shot He’d shoot from 35 plus and make more times than not The Warriors came climbing back and went to overtime And then Steph’s shot that won the game, well that was so sublime It tied the all time record for three pointers in a game And rewrote the season record on that night the same

As the season neared its end, so too did Hinkie’s run Losing almost two hundred games in three years ain’t fun Hinkie went out with a bang and wrote a nice long letter Compared himself to Buffett, Lincoln, and some others better Thirteen pages of clichés take a long time to read Probably could have just said: “I drafted Embiid” And so The Process ended and left us wondering really What all that losing left them- tanks for nothing, Philly

Kobe’s gonna retire now- I’ll miss him I confess He leaves in his wake a Lakers team that’s in distress D’Angelo took video and Swaggy’s cheating showed The movie leaked and poor Russell had broken the bro code His teammates froze him out for days both on and off the court Perhaps at some point Byron Scott should cut all this crap short? Kobe has just one game left- I think we all agree If he shoots 6 for 24 let’s name him MVP

The season ends back where it started with the Warriors’ spree As the Dubs prepare for history, winning seventy-three Almost seven hundred threes just from Curry and Klay Stifling D and triple doubles stacking up for Dray Iggy was the best 6th man, the Death Lineup was birthed At last Varejao played with the best teammate on earth Barnes was great, Speights learned to shoot, the whole thing made us gush Bogut, Festus, Livingtston, Barbosa, Clark, and Rush The Warriors have done it all from San Francisco Bay All that’s left is pass the Bulls and -yes of course- MJ.

Thanks to NBA Twitter and NBA Reddit for an awesome season!

If you like this article, please comment below and share it with your friends. Be sure to follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, humor, pop culture, and life musings.