My Love/Hate Relationship with New Running Shoes

On one hand, they make it easier to run. On the other hand, they make it easier to run.

I hate running. But, with the ever present threat of heart disease, spleen cancer, and — for some reason — syphilis, it seems like a smart thing to do. The fitness world is a funny world. Thanks to my searching for fitness related items on the Google, I routinely get Facebook “sponsored content” posts that show men and women in tights that have thighs that could crack open a safe full of protein supplements.

I, however, put on a sweatshirt that I’ve had since college, some sweat pants that haven’t fit in decades, and some shoes. I strike out into the neighborhood and joyfully wave to neighbors that have pissed me off over the years.

“There is no reason to be using a wood chipper at 7AM on a Saturday, Chuck.”

I have broke-ass feet. If you can imagine a rusted out 1970’s era Ford F-150 nestled up against a barn in rural Kentucky, you can imagine my feet. Any degradation in the structural integrity of my shoes will result in great pain and, possibly, syphilis. So I get new shoes.

“Yeah! We have new shoes! We can avoid cardiac issues and STDs!”

-Left foot

“Great — now we need to get our dumb ass out and talk to the guy who has had a dead ox in his yard for four months.”

- Right foot

There are, of course, other options. We have an exercise bike! I find this to be wholly unfulfilling. I can pedal through crime drama reruns or superfluous cable news broadcasts.

Seriously, nothing newsworthy has happened in the last 30 minutes. Stop showing the “BREAKING NEWS” graphic.

But the God of All Things Fitness (fitness tracker app) remains silent when I am on the bike. After a vigorous stretch, and having sweated through my UnderArmour tank top ($65), it reads: distance = 0. If a piece of inanimate material can’t give me fitness validation, what am I even doing? Sometimes, after e-summiting an Alp on my bike the app will display: “so…uhh…this is awkward, but…when are we gonna get started?”

Seriously, a pack of engineers took a look at a hamster wheel and thought: “I bet humans would buy into this premise…”.

We also have free weights. Lifting them up and putting them down seems like it might scare off cholesterol. That is about as interesting as the third season of Lost. So I’ll pass, even if it means that my wife can beat me at arm wrestling.

Back to running.

I have new shoes now. I can get back out there and stave off several potentially fatal health issues without my feet actively trying to sever themselves from my body. I can also talk to my neighbors and try to figure out 1) what the hell is an ox doing here? 2) why the fuck did it die? and 3) how can it be that our onerous HOA doesn’t explicitly deal with the issue of decaying livestock?

Nonetheless, I will be marginally healthier when I go for a run in my new shoes…

…after I microwave a TV dinner that contains more sodium than the Dead Sea.