My Lazy Kids Won’t Visit Their Grandmother In The Next Realm

So you can’t find the time to gather some candles, chant in a circle, and seek the presence of Gam Gam’s spirit?

Look kids, I know life can get busy with your jobs, friends, and being young and alive. But let me ask you something. Why can’t you find the time to visit your poor grandmother in The Next Realm?

Not a single one of you has visited Grandma since she died 6 months ago. I have to say that I am very disappointed in you all. I’m busy too, yet I still find the time to use my Ouiji board to chat with her when the moon is full and the spirits are awakened.

Last week she appeared to me in a dream and let me know that she tried to visit you, Kevin. Your sweet Gam Gam floated up three flights of stairs to haunt your apartment. After she took the time out of her afterlife to visit you, did you ask her how the eternal void was treating her that day? No, you did not. You said “Who turned the lights off?”, “Why is my lamp floating?”, and “Who are you and what do you want from me?”

That hurt her feelings, Kevin. It really did. For weeks she was too depressed to haunt the rambunctious teens who broke into abandoned houses, her favorite post mortem activity. It’s hard for me to see Grandma feeling so down.

Jamie and Sarah, don’t think you’re off the hook either. So, you both had the time last month to go to that new oyster bar, but couldn’t find the time to gather some candles, chant in a circle, and seek the presence of Gam Gam’s spirit? Is it really that hard to summon your grandmother and take the time to ask about her previous life? You can ask what her childhood was like, or what it’s like to die. Pretty interesting stuff.

Mom visited Grandma last month. Even if they never got along, your mother still put in the effort. She spent her entire Saturday at Madam Karleen’s Psychic Reading Booth to check in on Gam Gam. Well, she didn’t particularly like being told that Grandma still thinks her meatloaf is too salty. Especially since when Grandma’s soul escaped her human flesh to enter the eternal void, she subsequently lost her ability to taste salt. However, your Mom still paid Madam Karleen $75 with an additional 20% tip to channel Grandma’s insults. Kids, that’s what family does.

Frankly, I’m afraid you’re not putting in the effort because you’ve already spent the money she left you in her will. I’d hope you’d know by now that is extremely selfish and ungrateful. Also, I’d hope you’d know by now that Gam Gam still has the ability to curse your offspring for generations to come.

Now, don’t get too upset kids, of course Grandma knows you still love her. She just likes to know that you still care even after she’s gone. You know what? Let’s all plan to get together at Grandma’s grave at the stroke of midnight. We can bring some beers, some blood of a virgin, and surprise your sweet Gam Gam. It’ll be a blast!

Also, Grandpa wants you to visit him this summer in Ft. Lauderdale. He understands the drive can be long, so no worries if you can’t make it.

Halle Hoffman is a comedy writer and actor based in Chicago. In her free time, she likes to teach gloomy young men to embrace life’s infinite possibilities before vanishing from their lives forever.