My Journey Towards Unbecoming

I am in the phase of knowing myself better

It was 2014.

A few months had passed since I started college and I was having the ‘best’ time of my life. One evening, after my friends and I had tea, we headed towards a nearby crossroad and seated ourselves on one of the benches which lay there. It was our usual routine where the four of us spent a great time together, laughing, making fun of each other and discussing strategies for the upcoming exams.

On this evening, one of our classmates came up to us. She was enraged. Something terrible had happened with her and she seemed very disturbed about it. She started venting it out in front of us. We comforted her and she felt a little better. Soon after, she made a statement towards me and said —

“Do you do yoga or something? How do you manage to seem to calm and cool at all times?”

I made a quick not-so-loud laughter and told her, “I am just like this.”

She then looked at one of my other friends on the bench and told her, “Whenever I see her, she is always quiet, smiling and sorted, don’t you agree?”

“She is the ‘great’ saint”, my friend blurted out in sarcasm.

In no time, the focus of the conversation shifted from her misery to my not-so-reactive personality and I am not sure why.

I was like that. In those days, I was a free soul. I cared, but enough to exploit myself over it. I loved, but not enough to be tormented by it. I made friends, but did not let myself become too dependent on them. I found ways to enjoy my days, live every moment, without regret, guilt or embarrassment.

I felt bad, angry and frustrated and yet the person standing next to me wouldn’t know. I could hold emotions inside me and even more so, make peace with them. All I knew was that I want to be nice to everyone, I do not want to hurt anyone and just make the most from the moment.

I was more mature than most of my peers. I engulfed my sad days like nothing was wrong. I maintained a neutral face and I was a great listener. I only saw the good in people and chose to ignore their mal intentions. I used to study a lot because I liked spending time in library and staying thorough with my academics. I was often qualified as ‘boring’ by my close friends, but they never judged me for who I was. It felt like a safe space and I was far from being vulnerable.

Fast forward my life to this day (2021)—

I am four years older but less mature. The other day I found one grey hair on my head and yet I display no signs of emotional sanity. I react before even realizing and cry harder than the situation demands. I can barely keep any thought inside me and I feel suffocated if I do not spill it all out. I do not think rationally and have made myself to believe that I am an emotional fool.

I battle with my own self. I struggle to know what I really want and whom I really hate. I try everyday to convince myself of self-love but end up disguising my unruly behavior behind the pretense of loving others. I hold more grudges than I can handle and find it extremely difficult to forgive someone or let go of their unjust response towards my expectations. I fail to fight for what I want because I don’t want those things badly enough.

I am more vulnerable and sensitive than I ever was. I am not sure how I changed so drastically. I am constantly surrounded with emotions and most of them are unpleasant. My soul has succumbed to the worst of fears and drained me out of my confidence. I keep looking for validations, assurances and keep justifying my thoughts, behaviors and actions towards myself and others.

It is not too late and each day, as I introspect, I learn something new about me. I am in the phase of knowing myself, more and better. I am in the process of understanding what it means to love myself. I am realizing what I have missed out on by being an overly selfless soul thus far. I am educating myself with ways I can become emotionally stronger and resilient. I gently push myself every day to face the fears and to overthink little.

I am convinced now that self-love is not restricted to loving your body alone. It also means satisfying your needs, expectations and ambitions. It means being patient with oneself in the journey. It means the readiness to unbecome before you become. It means giving yourself a thousand chances to make things right. It means to not give up on yourself even when you are in your worst. It means to never let your image shred in front of you because of how you reacted. It means to never consider yourself less than who you are and what you deserve.

It is an enlightening journey, one full of hurdles, setbacks and heartbreaks. The real win, however lies in ‘not giving up’, in staying there, feeling the moment, experiencing the emotions and letting your heart beat as it does. I am conscious about my being and that is the ultimate bliss.

This story was inspired from the November Call for Submissions at CRY Magazine by Kern Carter titled ‘What Phase of Life Are You In’.

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