Summary

The author shares a personal journey of self-acceptance as a non-binary individual, detailing their struggles with sensory issues, gender identity, societal expectations, and the impact of family and social media on their path to embracing their authentic self.

Abstract

The author recounts their lifelong struggle with their body, beginning with undiagnosed autism and sensory processing difficulties that led to self-harm. As they grew older, they grappled with the discomfort of their assigned female gender, which intensified with the onset of puberty. The author describes their attempts to suppress their femininity and the bullying they faced for their gender expression, leading to a period of conforming to societal norms. The pandemic and the death of their mother became catalysts for self-exploration and acceptance. The author now embraces a fluid gender expression through fashion, feeling more at home in their body than ever before, and encourages others struggling with gender identity to be patient and kind to themselves.

Opinions

The author feels that their body was a source of conflict due to sensory overload and gender dysphoria.
They found solace and inspiration in the gender fluidity of pop-punk bands like Green Day and My Chemical Romance.
The author experienced shame and embarrassment from both peers and their mother for their fashion choices that expressed their gender identity.
TikTok and the loss of their mother were instrumental in the author's journey towards self-acceptance and embracing their non-binary identity.
The author values personal authenticity and the freedom to express their gender beyond the binary construct, viewing it as a form of self-liberation.
They believe that the process of "coming in" or realigning with one's authentic self is a courageous

My Journey to Accepting Myself as Non-Binary — Journal Entry

My body has always felt like a battlefield. Growing up with undiagnosed autism meant that I felt extremely uncomfortable with numerous sensory inputs causing me to self harm from a young age. I would bite my hands, hit myself, and eventually started cutting myself to deal with the overwhelm my body was experiencing.

On top of my sensory difficulties, my body was also telling me that my assigned gender of female didn’t sit right with me. In my experience, gender wasn’t something that I thought about as a child. Childhood felt gender neutral to me, it felt free. That is until I turned about 10 years old and I got my period for the first time. I was early to develop physically and once my breasts started forming, so did an ever growing knot in my stomach. Boys and men started noticing my development and I felt a target stuck to me that I couldn’t shake off.

I started wrapping my chest so tight that I could barely breathe in hopes that my breasts wouldn’t draw attention my way. My mom knew that I did this, but there was never really a conversation around it. It was just another strange thing that the problem child was doing.

I was a big Green Day & My Chemical Romance fan in middle school and I found so much freedom in the gender fluidity of these groups. I wanted to be just like them. Growing up reading all the teen magazines I could get my hands on, I found myself being drawn towards expressing myself with fashion. Do you all remember the Happy Bunny clothing collection from the early 2000s? The one with all the angsty quotes and bunny cartoons. That was my shit lol. I decided to wear this Happy Bunny tie that I got to school and I was so excited to start living my pop punk dreams.

Well… it didn’t really work out the way I hoped it would. I got my first taste of the reality that my gender expression made others uncomfortable. I got made fun of and bullied until I decided that the tie wasn’t okay to wear to school, or anywhere for that matter. This instance didn’t stay at school, but followed me home. My mom made sure to bring up this story frequently to make fun of me. I was covered in shame and embarrassment from having misread how people would react to my fashion choices.

From that point on I tried to look as “normal” as possible. My wardrobe was Hollister & Abercrombie and Fitch for the rest of my high school days. I did not want to stand out in any way. Standing out meant that I was unsafe and rejected.

It wasn’t until recently that I’ve started exploring fashion as a way to convey my gender expression again. The pandemic had a huge impact on the way I view my identity and who I authentically am. Two things that pushed me towards “coming in” was TikTok and also my mom passing away. TikTok exposed me to a bunch of LGBTQ+ content and helped to destigmatize beliefs that being seen for who I actually am is going to get me hurt. My mom was often my biggest critic and I tended to shrink when I was around her. After she passed away, there was a weight that lifted off of me, a liberation of sorts. I told myself that no one would ever be able to hurt me as much as she did, life from this point on was in my hands.

These days, I’m hyper-aware that I am usually the most loudly dressed person in whatever room I enter. My dyed hair is always changing and I love pushing the boundaries in my fashion choices. My fashion styles lately have revolved around punk academia, street wear, rave, and pixie aesthetics. I don’t dress the way that I do for compliments, but rather so that I can feel seen. I have spent most of my life living in a shell of a body trying to get my inside feelings to match my outside appearance. This year is the closest I’ve felt to making that a reality.

I told my therapist this week that I’m a them/them or an enby and she told me about this phrase “coming in” rather than “coming out”.

She said that coming out is something that we will have to do many times throughout our life, but coming in is when we realign with our authentic self and start accepting ourself as we are. It’s like coming home in our body.

I have never felt so at home in my body until I accepted that the gender binary isn’t for me. I am this beautiful intersection of whatever the fuck I want to be and I am so lucky to have friends and siblings who accept me just as I am.

If you’re struggling with your gender identity, know that you’re not alone. I think that it is extremely brave to even doubt the constructs that we live under. Give yourself grace, give yourself time. You will realign with yourself ❤

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