Miles to go before I put the pen down…
My Journey On Medium Continues
I am not giving up; not yet
I began writing here in August last year.
I have been pondering my journey on Medium and the several times that I tend to start—stop in life. When I look back, I see the effort I have put into things, I see the genuine passion I have felt for moving into newer pastures. And boy! I have come a long way.
It may not seem in the obvious ways of the world. But I know that I have come a really long way.
But, at this point in life, I have paused not out of fear, anxiety or confusion; but I look around out of a more profound curiosity. I look around to see, what I have done, what I could have done, and what lies ahead.
Yes, there is a lot of uncertainty, but in that uncertainty is an understanding that ‘such is life’. It's uncertain and it is what it is.
Sometimes I fear I am dead! I sleep so much that I almost feel I am resigned to live and have given up. I grieve the life I couldn’t have, I long for the experiences I didn't experience, not yet. And I walk around ghosting anyone who gives me a tough time. (this I do not regret)
I come to Medium, where I found this great community with a love for people and a love for writing. I come alive here. But off late I have noticed, my old habit of looking around and running away and not attempting anything has somehow crept right back.
The feeling is, I don’t want to go, but I can’t be here anymore. And when I look back, I have done it so many freaking times, that it's now not even interesting.
So officially, I have been through all the stages of responses. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, been through them all.
Right now I am in a strange pace of nothing. Where I feel, “what I need is all I have, all I have is all I need”. (this is an affirmation I heard on Insight Timer
Coming back to the reminiscence of my journey. I see that I have done this all my life. I start with great fervour, I go for it, I perform like crazy, and then, something happens, and it starts fizzling out. My emotions start getting the better of me. I start getting scared of people. I start hiding in shitty places hoping not to be found.
In short, I start to disappear and hide everything I worked for. Is it called self-sabotage? Maybe. But why? I don’t know.
My responses have always been such.
What does one do to help thyself?
They told me, self—love. Well, I find it vague and no one tells you how. Journalling, gratitude, affirmations, movement, exercising, yoga, writing? What else have you got? Do not tell me about massages and spas.
Well, turns out these are just the surface. The actual nectar is hidden deep within us. In our habits, in our routines, in our perception of ourselves, in the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves. Its hidden in the meaning we give to things we go through.
We beat ourselves up for little mistakes we do, we don’t see ourselves as the student of life. We are influenced by some larger-than-life, TV or Movie superhero image for the kind soul that is us. We want to measure up to an impossible storybook challenge. Sorry, no one can do that.
No one can be perfect.
Yes, I always flee, I always end up leaving jobs, and I always end up leaving projects I start. So what?
What's the story I make about that to myself? What is my internal dialogue with myself, about myself, to myself?
“I lose every time! So once again — I lost.”
Is that how small life is? Is that all it means? To win and to lose? Does what I do or didn't do in this world define who I am?
Maybe in a world that is so damn focused on “Doing”, it is everything. But if I came to this world to experience life, to ‘Be’ to smell, to taste, to touch, to see, to feel, then I think I won.
Yes, I won, I have no tricks, and I have no more stories and articles to write. This is me. All I can do now is express myself and hope to be heard and hear other authentic stories.
I love this place Medium. It gave me a voice, once again, when I thought I had lost it. It gave me community, it gave me friends I know are like me. Hearing, sensitive, heartful and authentic souls.
If you write, write here.
I promise, you will be heard, you will be seen. You may also be held someday if you stay long enough.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to go, I will continue to keep writing. I will continue to keep trying.
Below are a few articles by my peers, I really liked this week.
