My Journey Of Letting Go
It is not all pretty, the good, bad and ugly
In Liberty’s recent article about “letting go”, she said, “Sometimes the holding on is harder than the letting go”. That statement got me thinking. It is a powerful statement with so much wisdom, yet it is so hard to do.
I am going to share with you the good, bad and ugly of my journey of “Letting go” today.
The good:
In my old workplace, it was full of politics and bullying. I was living in fear for eleven years until I left and started my own business with my business partners. One of them was my old boss who saved me many times from work trauma by one particular supervisor, let’s call that person Jan.
Jan was a very manipulative and jealous person. Now I think of her, there must be lots of insecurity underneath her. She was hungry for power and would not accept different opinions. I only wanted to work, performed my duties tried to have a good day, and had no intention to take sides.
Unfortunately, if you out-performed her or tried to change things you became a target.
During these eleven years of working in a “war zone”, I built up an unforgiveness towards her mentally. Although I was physically out of my old workplace, the work politics followed for a few years. Eventually, time helped me heal and I matured along the way to let her go and forgive her.
That was an important lesson for me about forgiving which led to my last story.
The bad:
My wife Gabrielle had a series of strokes during our six-year marriage. She has been away from home for almost a year living between hospitals and rehab facility. She has noticeably deteriorated cognitively since December last year. Most days she can only whisper and I can hardly understand her. I tried very hard to lip-read, hold her hands and look into her eyes with love. I have no idea what else I can do.
I am still processing how to forgive myself for spending so much time at work while she was well. At the beginning of our marriage, she said to me that she felt like she was a “work widow”. I am glad I eventually cut down my work hours but I could have done better.
If I had a time machine I would have spent more time with her but obviously, I could not. I only have what I have now.
I am grateful to have families, trusting friends, my psychologist, and amazing supporting Medium families here giving me wisdom and supportive messages that I can emerge from the guilt and focus on appreciating and loving Gabrielle.
The bad part is my anxiety. I am so afraid of losing her. I am struggling to see Gabrielle may one day turn into a vegetable, losing all her cognitive ability. She may not recognize me. The more I let this fear overrun me the less I can enjoy the moment with Gabrielle.
One day I thought I had enough of this and dressed up as Indiana Jones to visit her. That made her laugh.
I am working on overcoming this anxiety.
The ugly:
I have an unforgiveness towards my dad. In my family, my mom is the leader. When my brother and I were small, my dad worked to help pay the bills but showed very little interest in us. I could not recall him asking us anything about our school work, friends and interests.
My mom is an anxious person. I can see why. Not only did she need to look after her children, but she also had to take charge of everything with the family.
What I could learn from my dad was not to become like him.
I am glad I appreciate personal growth and along the way I sought mentors and they guided me on many occasions.
One may argue that my dad had not been shown how to become a father. I believe we all have choices to make. He could have chosen to learn and ask for help.
My dad just turned ninety. I am not sure if he would ever change. I accepted this is who he is.
It is up to me to let go of my unforgiveness. This is a real work in progress, a tough assignment.
Here you have it. The good, bad and ugly. I would love and appreciate your comment on how to forgive my dad from the love and care that I missed from him.
Joel Eisenberg wrote about his grieving journey on the loss of his late wife, a powerful story.
