My Isolation Has Caused An Emotional Jailbreak
If you’re like me, there have probably been some emotional side effects of self-isolation. Trigger warning: emotionally sensitive content.
I like to write light-hearted, helpful articles.
Anyone who reads my stories knows I love listicles. I even wrote a listicle about why I love listicles. But today I’m going to write something a little more serious, something personal and painful.
I’m going to share my darker side because, nobody’s life is all sunshine and lollypops, sometimes you have to walk through the forest to get to the waterfall.
You might be walking through a forest of your own these days. You are not alone.
If you’re like me, there have probably been some emotional side effects of self-isolation.
I recently wrote an article about Karma coming home to roost. How the life decisions we’ve made are highlighted and exacerbated when we are forced to confront our home lives without distraction.
But there’s something else that happens as well. Something I’m experiencing. It’s the triggering that can occur in this kind of situation.
I have a home daycare, and it no longer makes sense to have five little tiny droolers coming from five different homes into mine every day. I am especially at risk because I’ve had open-heart surgery. Although I am very healthy now, the plastic valve in my heart always puts me at risk when there is an illness going around.
My doctor and I decided it would be prudent to close. So now I’m home, without distraction and without income.
Our Canadian government has put measures in place, but it’s not totally clear if I will qualify. My husband is still working, so I’m thankful for that. I will eventually re-open.
I’ve rebuilt my life many times, this will be no different. My husband and I are expert survivers.
But somehow, the loss of income plus the eerie silence in my home and neighborhood has messed with my head. It’s stirred up some demons that I’d thought were long dead.
It makes me wonder how many thousands or millions of others are going through this right now.
For me, it’s making me feel vulnerable in a way I haven’t felt since childhood.
When I was about four or five, I had a traumatic experience. I repressed the memories, so I didn’t know about it until I was in my 20’s when some of them emerged in therapy.
Until then, I’d just lived with a generalized sense of anxiety and dread.
When I uncovered the memories, I chose not to recover them all. I knew the event, I remembered everything leading up to and after it. I had to stop in the process of remembering because it was too much.
I told my therapist that I knew enough, and I didn’t want to remember the actual event because it felt like it might kill me. She understood, and we decided to work on it from the place where I felt comfortable.
I thought I’d taken care of those feelings because my life moved on. I stopped destroying myself and even managed to find love. I assumed I’d resolved everything in therapy.
It seems they’d been waiting at the bottom of the well for the right bucket to grab them and bring them back up. This pandemic, it seems, is that bucket.
In my teen years, these repressed memories morphed into an overwhelming, irrational terror of nuclear war.
I remember never being able to fall asleep. I’d lie in my bed, eyes wide open, for hours just waiting for the bombs to drop. The film they showed us in high school, the one about hiding under a desk in case of a strike, traumatized me further.
The fact that I was chronically depressed, and there was no comfort for me at home exacerbated my condition.
I was the scapegoated black sheep of my family. My parents had already given up on me by then. There was nothing but indifferent adults and an older sister who bullied me daily to help me navigate those teenage years.
The pandemic has opened a direct channel to those feelings. I find myself once again parenting my inner child, treading desperately to avoid being swallowed up by memories and emotions.
Even as I write this, my anxiety is rising to levels I haven’t experienced in years, and I’m feeling just like it did when I was a child.
I no longer drink. I used to get by drinking these feelings away. I spent about 20 years soaking myself in alcohol as I labored through therapy.
I was able to break free from self-medicating but was still a heavy social drinker until about two years ago when my body stopped tolerating it. So even if I wanted to start drinking again, I couldn’t. With a teenager in the house, it would set a bad example anyway.
It doesn’t’ help that I have a 13-year-old daughter here with me. Although she is a good kid who I genuinely enjoy, simply being with her is also triggering me.
She is the exact age that I was when my life started falling apart. I lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 13 (one month after my birthday) to an 18-year-old who wanted to see what it was like to fuck a virgin.
He then proceeded to tell everyone in the music store we both hung around in all about it after promptly breaking up with me.
The humiliation and shame I felt when I found out he not only told everyone but laughed about it, compounded my vulnerability. It never occurred that because I was so young, I could have had him charged with rape. I could have exacted the type of revenge that would follow him for life. I wish I could time travel.
That place was my only refuge. I spent every Saturday hanging out there pretending to be a musician and talking to the one person who ever bothered with me — the manager who must have felt sorry for me and let me hang around with him for hours.
He was the one person in my teenage life who showed me any mercy and was kind to me without wanting anything back.
Those teenage years were so bad and dark and terrible that just thinking about them to write about it is bringing me to tears. I was so alone and struggling.
My older sister became particularly vicious in our teens and took out every problem she had on me. I lived as an emotional punching bag and scapegoat for my entire family. A role I could never escape.
So my daughter, through no fault of her own, has become the embodiment of all of that trauma.
I am struggling to see her for what she is while we are confined together. It takes such an effort to stay in the present and not slip back in the darkness as we make our way through this.
I don’t want to project any of this onto her. But with no distractions, it is hard to tell where those lines are drawn.
I am usually able to keep these demons wrapped up safely in a part of my psyche that has secure locks on the doors. But this isolation has slipped a key through the bars, and one by one, they seem to be escaping.
Not having my grown-up job to keep me grounded in who I am and all of the distractions of modern life to keep my mind occupied has caused a bit of an emotional jailbreak.
Now it’s time for me to take my own advice.
I need to do some work, I need to face these issues. I need to do some self-help to get myself grounded.
I will do some writing, some EFT, get some exercise, and remind myself that I am more than just my trauma. The past is behind me, the future is ahead, and all I have is today.
Today I will give my daughter all of the love I can, and as I try to ground her in the present I will give her what I never had. Love, security, and stability in the face of adversity.
I’m going to be the parent I never had. I’m going to parent myself as I parent her and find my strength so we can all get through this a little better, a little stronger, and a little healthier.
I hope you can too.
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