My I Am Not a Number: Remembering You Matter

You’re not your behaviour. You’re not your thoughts. You’re not a number

“You know I can’t give you your results,” I told the voice at the other end of the line.

“But I’m smiling.”

Students often called me, as the programme administrator, to get a sneaky heads up, and whilst I couldn’t give them their results until the official publication date, I did my best to put their minds at rest.

Generally, the students who failed rarely called me ahead of time.

Years ago, I loved working in the School of Architecture. I joined at the tail end of students being important rather than a statistic.

Although I hated meetings, when it was my turn to take minutes, I left it as long as possible to type them up, hoping the attendees had forgotten what they said as I could never read my writing.

I had a weird memory thing that I could remember students’ names and faces. Clearly, I couldn’t remember what was said in a meeting, but hey, ho.

Knowing their names meant I could say hello to Jack or Jill when I passed a student in a corridor. This freaked them out a little as they thought they’d done something wrong, but they soon got used to it and liked that they weren’t anonymous.

I worked in a large office with a big table in the middle of the room where lecturers would congregate to chat despite having their own offices. Students were welcome in the office at any time, and there were usually at least one or two using the photocopier or asking questions of me or the lecturers.

Two old-school lecturers shared a large office with a garden table and parasol alongside their desks.

At any time of day, they could be found sitting under the parasol sharing a bottle of red, which they were happy to offer to me or any students with them for a tutorial.

But when the Head of the School retired and a new Head was appointed, everything changed, and the students became customers with a price on their heads.

They became a number.

And I feel like a number

Feel like a number

Feel like a stranger

A stranger in this land

Bob Seger

I Am Not a Medical Number

When you’re subsumed into the world of hospital appointments and operations, however kind the nursing staff and consultants are, it’s like being pushed into a sausage machine.

Autonomy disappears.

Research confirms that patients think they’re treated as a number, not a person. At a time when you want to concentrate on your well-being, feeling dehumanised has the opposite result.

One of the problems might be because the consultant knows the next steps but often forgets that you don’t. You might feel that you’re being rushed, so make sure to take your time in any appointments and ask as many questions as you need answers.

Take someone into appointments with you who can act as another pair of ears. Dr. Jennifer H. Mieres, a professor of cardiology at the Donald and Barbara Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell, says,

When people are ill, scared or anxious, it can facilitate “brain freeze. We stop thinking, we don’t hear adequately, we don’t process information.”

You feel like a number rather than a patient.

Having been through two cancer journeys and major stomach surgery, I’ve found the only way to resist becoming a number is to make sure that whatever you’re going through isn’t all you’re going through.

Everyone’s experience is different, and much will depend on how unwell you feel, but if you can make small plans for the times in between treatments, you will feel more in control.

These plans might be compiling a list of books you want to read but never have time for.

Or starting a new hobby like knitting or embroidery; my dad taught me to embroider after he learned in the Navy, and I can lose myself in an audiobook while creating a unique picture.

Even a 1000-piece jigsaw will do it.

Plan small treats. Get a selection of good quality teas that taste amazing. Have a bowl of fresh fruit to hand.

Remember that you matter.

You Want to Feel That You Matter

Do you feel aimless? Pointless?

John came to see me because everything in his life was grey.

He lost his job and was on short-term benefits until he had a successful interview. Going to the benefits office had been a particularly difficult time.

“Nobody looks at you even when they’re talking to you. You’re only a number to them; as a person, you don’t matter at all.”

Was John saddened because he didn’t matter to this stranger? Or was he upset because he’d stopped seeing himself as someone who matters?

This is the crux of the problem. When you take on what you believe other people’s opinions are, you become who they think you are.

Dr Gordon Flett, author of The Psychology of Mattering: Understanding the Human Need to be Significant, says that mattering is a core need and a necessary component for well-being.

Everyone wants to feel valued.

Research reports that a way to make this happen is to balance feeling valued with adding value.

When you feel dehumanised and reduced to a number, it’s challenging to interact in a way that makes someone else feel valued. I asked John if the next time he was in a situation where he felt devalued, he could ask the person in front of him how they were.

John tried this and reported back that the woman he asked was shocked at being asked and told him that no one ever asks about her. At that moment, he realised that she felt as devalued as he did, and he said to me that he would make it his mission to make other people think that they matter.

In his book, How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society, Dr. Prilleltensky and his co-author, Ora Prilleltensky, recommend telling people why and how much you appreciate them.

Dr Prilleltensky says you can add value to relationships by asking at least one open-ended question every time you see loved ones. Doing so communicates that you value them enough to care about their experiences and reflects value to you.

Final Words

Ask yourself who you want to matter to.

Why?

And now, ask how much you matter to yourself. Are you paying attention to the critical narrator in your head and forgetting all the ways you matter?

When I worked as a Hypnotherapist, I sometimes used an induction where I asked the client to imagine their funeral.

Harsh, but it worked to show the client how much they matter to other people. If you imagine watching your funeral, hearing what people say about you, seeing their grief and how upset they are that you’re gone, you remember your worth.

Turn your attention to others and show them how much they matter. Notice how good you feel when you make others feel good.

You are not your behaviour. You are not your thoughts.

And you are definitely not a number.