My Husband Isn’t Ok With My Boyfriend and I Fucking Other People.

Just one of the complications that may come up in consensual non-monogamy.

I have 2 great relationships. I have a husband I love and a boyfriend I adore.

There is still however a part of me that is missing the connection of a woman.

I didn’t embrace the bi side of me until a few years ago when I came out to my husband as polyamorous.

If you are reading this and are unsure what polyamory is… and you’re thinking by the title, “This bitch is crazy.”, I will explain to you what polyamory is. Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.

I was pretty sure I was bisexual, but until I was with a woman, I didn’t know for sure.

I miss the sexual connection and the emotional connection, but most of all, I miss the sexual connection.

I understand that the only way I could have a one on one connection and see a woman for solo dates is to give up time with my boyfriend who I’m madly in love with.

My husband and I have agreements which protect and prioritize our family.

We have 2 young kiddos; 9 and 11; boys, the lights of our life.

We each have a night we go out with our partners during the week.

I have Monday nights and he has Thursday nights.

Our boys then know that Monday is their special night with daddy and Thursday is their special night with mommy.

Not that they will really hang out with us that much because they are all about playing video games with their buddies these days. :(

It was and is very important for us to not take away more time with the kids than that 1 night a week.

Those nights are sleepover nights where we sleepover at our partners places.

I’m so happy that we get good quality time with them.

My husband has been with his partner for 2 years in December and I have been with mine a year and 8 months.

I love the loving and beautiful relationships we have with our partners.

Because of this time limitation that I have, I don’t feel like I’m really able to experience some of my desires and I feel like they will need to be explored when my kiddos are out of the house and then time can be divided more evenly.

I’m not willing to explore other relationships because my time with my boyfriend is so important to me and making the choice to establish other connections is me taking time away from him since my time is so limited.

This brought my boyfriend and I to the idea of swinging.

We spoke about how if we could make a connection with a couple, it may satisfy that part of me looking for a connection with a woman and we can do it together so I don’t have to lose time with him.

Because of the confusing nature of what my husband actually wants to know and what he doesn’t want to know, I chose to go ahead and get on a dating app with my boyfriend and make a “searching for a couple” profile.

We found a couple and started to talk to them, but we did not meet up.

Any sort of change in terms of adding more humans to the poly dynamic causes friction between my husband and I. He is happy just having his girlfriend and nothing else and I still have desires I want to explore. If I was just with my boyfriend the rest of my life he would be fine with that. It’s confined… it’s known…. there’s no variable there. He’s gotten used to it. We are good at communicating with each other regarding anything between the poly dynamic with him and his girlfriend and me and my boyfriend.

However, more people equals more problems. He doesn’t respond well to change. He’s become very comfortable with my relationship with my boyfriend, but anything beyond that causes him stress and unease.

With the best of intentions, although an ill thought out plan, I decided to let him know about the fact that we were doing this through a text message while he was on a date with his girlfriend.

This was disrespectful and I understand that now.

This happened about 6 months ago.

He got very angry, let me know that he did not like the fact that I kept this from him and he didn’t like the fact that I wanted to do this in the first place, and he DEFINITELY didn’t like that I sent this to him on a text message when he was on his date (which I agree I should not have done.)

I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.

People make mistakes in life.

I’m trying to not beat myself up too much for it because it was done with the best of intentions, I figured he could have some time away since it was his day out of the house, and that he wouldn’t feel like he had to respond right away and he had time to process. I learned from my mistake.

My metamour, (husband’s girlfriend) and I got into a knock down drag out fight about it.

She told me how disrespectful I was even though I apologized profusely.

Maybe I deserved to be told that by her, but after I apologized and said that I understood that I was disrespectful now that my husband and I had talked it over, she proceeded to tell me that I fuck up consistently and then expect people to forgive me or think good of me when I do things that are really basic human decency.

This was after I told my husband to spend however much time he wanted with her the day after their date night because I knew I had disrupted their time. He normally comes home in the morning.

During this time my boyfriend was looking for a new apartment and I was spending a lot of time helping him with that.

According to her, even though I told my husband that he could have as much time as he wanted the next day the night before, and didn’t make the plan to help my boyfriend with his apartment until the next morning, the only reason why I actually did this was so that I could in turn see my boyfriend and it was a self-involved mutually beneficial gesture that was just “basic human decency” and didn’t really make that much of an impact on her.

She really hurt me with these comments and they were very untrue.

To be accused of something I didn’t do and told my intentions weren’t pure was really hard for me to take.

We did talk through things and both apologize, but since that argument things have not been the same.

We still talk daily, but we are talking no where near as much as we used to.

Our communication pre-incident was about 20–40 text messages a day, and it’s gone down to about 5–10.

It’s sad, but maybe it’s needed.

Maybe the level of communication and friendship we had with each other was just too much and too intense given her role in my life.

I could have been pushing too hard for her to be a “sister wife” type of deep friendship, when really we can be friends, but not be as involved as we were.

It hurts me to make this discovery, but I am understanding that maybe even though I’m grieving the loss of the best friend type of friendship with her, this might be for the best.

We might not be meant to be that close. I mean she’s my husband’s girlfriend…. it’s not that hard to believe that a bestie type relationship could be too close for comfort.

I’m still trying to understand all of this and I think that things can and will shift and change.

We seem to have an argument about every 3 months, and I really hope to change that cycle.

My husband has been clear now that any change in dynamic he wants to know about.

The couple me and my boyfriend were talking to were really great and we had been enjoying talking.

We told them it was important to us that they get an STD test before anything goes down.

They agreed to do that and then did it the same day.

This made it kind of obvious that they were very interested.

I wound up shutting this down, however, because of my husbands discomfort.

I am pushing for this sometime soon.

I want to be able to explore this side of non-monogamy with my boyfriend and my body is mine alone…. my husband does not own my body.

For now though, I am choosing to pick my battles. I’m choosing to let this one go FOR NOW.

I’m nervous about it and I don’t know how I’m going to feel seeing my boyfriend with another woman.

When the time comes, we will see if this turns into anything and how I feel about it.

We have agreed to start slow when we do explore this.

I’m looking forward to what this adventure has to offer, but I’m also not totally set on it.

I kind of feel like what will be will be.

In my polyamorous life, other than my husband, my boyfriend is the most important person in this to me.

His feelings matter most.

I know he feels the same about me.

When the time comes, if this doesn’t feel good to us we won’t continue, but for now it seems like it might be a fun adventure that could also satisfy my thirsty side for connection with women and also be fun for my boyfriend to experience another connection and us to dabble in this world together.

I do hope we get to experience it sooner than later.