My Husband And I Lived Apart For Almost Two Years

It was due to circumstances beyond our control, but now we are back together and stronger than ever

Living far away from my husband for so long was something I never thought would happen, but it did.

Shortly before the pandemic started, I traveled to my country of birth, Nigeria to visit my parents. What was initially a pleasurable visit turned out to be months of frustration and uncertainty.

The pandemic started and I got stuck with my two kids. My visa expired during this time and every chance of an immediate return seemed utterly impossible.

With no certainty of future events, I was left with no choice but to be expectant and hopeful.

At this point, the South African embassy had shut down their office and their phone lines were unreachable. Their website clearly explained that all their activities were on hold because of the pandemic.

For months, I constantly followed the news to see if flights had resumed and constantly checked if there was any update on the embassy re-opening.

The rising coronavirus cases didn’t seem to help matters. I got more discouraged each time I turned on the television.

It was tough being the only available parent for my girls. I constantly had to ensure that their immediate needs were met, and that I spent quality time with them.

Moving from place to place

I shuttled between my parents' home and also stayed with my husband’s parents. They live in different cities.

While I remain deeply grateful to them for their care and support, I can’t possibly imagine how life would have been if not for their timely help, advice, and encouragement.

As the girls and I shuttled between both cities in which the parents stayed, it was quite exhausting having to pack and unpack several bags because we thought it best not to stay in a particular place for too long.

The constant change of environment was refreshing, and we got to spend time with our families.

“Uncertainty is the most stressful feeling.” — Sonya Teclai

Exploring new life amidst a pandemic

After coming to terms with the fact that I was now stuck and with no news of the pandemic ending yet, I decided to try new things to keep me busy.

I started writing on medium. It gave me some sort of inner joy and, quite frankly; it was a good distraction from the problems of life. It was a source of comfort and made me happy.

I also took some sewing classes because it was something I had always wanted to do. It was the perfect time to re-discover myself in ways I never knew.

Apart from the fact that my girls are very active, being busy with other things was quite exciting.

Coping in a long-distance marriage

Through dating and marriage, my husband and I have always been close friends, not just lovers or spouses. I believe this is what has helped us function better as a team. We genuinely love each other and, no matter the place or space, we put the needs of our family first.

Before we got married, we were in a long-distance relationship for months. Communication was via phone calls, texts and video calls for so long.

Suddenly, it felt like history was repeating itself, as we had to switch to our old form of communication. After being married and having lived together for four years, we were left with no other choice.

It was hard, but we kept pushing. We spoke and texted every single day. Social media apps also came in handy for exchanging jokes, videos, news, movies, puzzles and games.

For us, out of sight was never out of might and we shared our daily activities, joys, wins, losses with each other. Constant communication kept the fire burning.

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.”- Anthony Brandt

A Glimmer of Hope

After months of waiting for the embassy to re-open, it finally did, and I rushed to make a visa application. However, I was still a bit skeptical about the outcome because the pandemic was still on.

After months of waiting, I got the visa and began to pack my things as I patiently awaited the departure date.

Traveling with two young children was tough, but I managed to push through. The airport staff also lent a helping hand because both kids were asleep during boarding time!

The grand return and dealing with new realities

When all the dust is settled and all the crowds are gone, the things that matter are family, faith and friends. — Barbara Bush

After several months of being away, I finally made it back home. As the plane touched down, I was overly excited to return to my old life. The kids were happy too.

I felt some sort of calmness and ease as we drove down to the house and thanked God for re-uniting us as a family once again. It had been so long!

A lot had changed. On getting home, I felt like a stranger in my own home. This feeling lasted for the first few days.

My husband played his part in making us feel at home and was my personal chef for about a week. He was the perfect host and ensured that we settled and were as comfortable as possible. More than anything else, I was happy to be back to my personal space and quiet life.

Being alone for so long had taken its toll on my relationships with some of my friends. The pandemic had made many people go into their shells. I also suffered from withdrawal syndrome because I always wanted time alone.

I think I had grown to love my lone moments so much. I had started respecting boundaries and was literarily minding my business 100 percent.

Being far away had changed so many things and a lot had happened in my absence.

Things are back to normal

Two months have passed since I returned and the adjustment has been amazing. I am now in charge of my home and my freedom knows no bounds.

I won’t say things are completely normal now because lockdown and social distancing are still in force; we still wear face masks too.

However, I am enjoying my adult life and doing whatever I please within own space! It’s so liberating to get back to things as they were. The pandemic is still on, but it feels good to be back.

I now know what my husband sounds while remotely working. It is surprising that this is so different from how he is at home.

Sometimes, we have conversations about what got us through the time when we lived apart. Here are some factors that helped us pull through:

1. Communication

Phone calls, video calls, and chats strengthened our relationship. There was always something new happening and interesting stories to tell each other every day. We talked about everything and anything.

2. Trust

Through it all, we developed a deep level of trust in each other. Love is very important in every relationship, but I believe that trust is what makes it long-lasting.

3. Understanding

Being apart also came with the understanding that it wasn’t going to last forever. There was a timeline, but the uncertainty that came with it made it seem longer than it should have been.

Nursing the hope that we would see and it would be all over was what kept us going. Talking about the future a lot and the new steps to be taken also put things into perspective.

Adjusting to changes

The excitement is still there, and I am living life on my own terms. I am now in my home and can do whatever I want. I can wear whatever I want too! Living with relatives had me careful about my dressing and external appearance.

I no longer feel like a fish out of water. Although it took me some time to get comfortable once again, I am now fully settled. The various structural changes and beautification done in my absence are better appreciated.

Lessons learnt from living apart

Staying apart may not have been my desire, but it has helped me in the following ways:

1. It was the perfect time for self-discovery

I got to know more about myself by exposing my areas of strength and weakness. My time alone helped me take bolder steps and confront some of my fears. I experienced independence and grew to enjoy my own company.

2. I developed a deeper relationship with God.

In moments when I felt frustrated, I leaned to God and prayed. It was one of the best ways I found comfort because it gave me strength to get through each day.

3. I realized that with love, every barrier can be overcome

Being apart made me love my husband more. I had always known him to be reliable, faithful and responsible. Through difficult times, he was/is a shoulder to lean on and constantly reassured me that we were in it together.

I am so glad that the stage of living apart has passed and we can now finally live together and make greater plans as a family. Indeed, it was a life-changing experience and I couldn’t be more excited that it is now over.

“Love will travel as far as you let it. It has no limits.”- Dee King