My Husband and I Don’t Exchange Holiday Gifts

Summary

The author and her husband have chosen not to exchange holiday gifts for 35 years due to financial reasons, a history of disappointing gifts, and to avoid additional holiday stress, focusing instead on experiences and practical purchases throughout the year.

Abstract

The article discusses an unconventional approach to gift-giving within a long-term marriage, where the couple has opted out of exchanging presents during the holidays. This decision was initially influenced by financial constraints, particularly when raising a blended family with five children. Over time, the couple continued this practice even when finances improved, as they preferred to buy what they wanted when they wanted it, rather than waiting for a special occasion. The author reflects on past experiences with unthoughtful gifts from her ex-husband, reinforcing her contentment with the no-gift tradition. The couple now focuses on creating and cherishing experiences, such as traveling and attending cultural events, rather than accumulating more material possessions. They prioritize buying gifts only for their grandchildren, while the author enjoys crafting homemade items for their adult children. The article emphasizes that their relationship's strength lies not in adhering to societal norms of gift-giving but in their shared values and experiences.

Opinions

The author values living within a budget and practical financial management, especially during the early years of her marriage when raising a large blended family.
She believes that most men lack the insight or creativity to choose meaningful gifts, often resulting in cliché or self-serving presents.
The tradition of not exchanging gifts has been a source of relief and satisfaction for the couple, freeing them from the stress of societal expectations and the disappointment of poorly chosen gifts.
The author places a higher value on experiences, such as travel and cultural activities, over acquiring more possessions.
She criticizes the lack of thought often put into gift selection, suggesting that many gifts are purchased last-minute and without genuine consideration for the recipient's preferences.
The author expresses a desire to downsize possessions and emphasizes the joy of giving away unneeded items as she ages.
She rejects the notion that not exchanging gifts equates to a lack of love or appreciation in a relationship, arguing that their bond is strengthened by shared experiences and values rather than material exchanges.

We have never regretted our decision to not buy each other presents

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Most couples get into a gift-giving routine. They either compose a list of desired items (easier today with an Amazon Wish List), they drop hints, or they hope for the best. However, the mutual decision at the beginning of a relationship to forego gifts altogether is an unusual one.

Our policy of not exchanging gifts stems from financial issues early in our marriage, a history of disappointing gifts from my ex-husband, and the alleviation of additional holiday stress. My husband and I have been together for 35 years. When I first broached the topic, he was delighted with the suggestion. It was a relief not to have to stress out about buying the “right” gift and not to be a hostage to societal expectations.

At the beginning of our relationship, it was about money. I have always been someone who attempts to live within a budget. We have a blended family. Including the daughter we share, my husband has three other children from two former wives, and I have two other children with my ex. Allocating about $150 per child, Christmas was expensive. We didn’t need to add extra money to the mix by purchasing gifts for ourselves.

Later, when finances were less of an issue, we were happy to continue our unusual tradition. Throughout the year, if either of us wants something that we can afford, we buy it without waiting for a special occasion. On our birthdays and our anniversary, we go out for a nice meal.

Most men are not sharp or creative enough to select a meaningful or desirable gift. Bad gifts from men have long been mocked: kitchen appliances, vacuums, exercise equipment, or something that is really for themselves like a new TV or tickets to a concert or sporting event. Growing up, I remember my dad buying my mom a new robe every Christmas, a tradition I carried on after he passed away.

My ex-husband bought me the stupidest stuff — like flying porcelain geese two years in a row that I pretended to like. This was after totally forgetting my 22nd birthday when I was eight months pregnant. During our five years of marriage, the only gift that my ex ever got me that I actually liked was an ocean painting, which he repeatedly asked to be returned after we divorced.

I know, “It’s the thought that counts.” But in many cases, little to no thought goes into the purchase of gifts. They are last-minute, desperate purchases that the recipient either pretends to love but later complains about it to others or expresses their displeasure and gets into an argument with the giver.

Now that my husband and I are retired with fixed incomes and have eight grandkids, we no longer buy Christmas presents for our adult children — who earn more than we do. (We do acknowledge their birthdays.) Instead, I make something crafty for them and their partners. We, of course, do buy gifts for our grandkids and other children in our lives.

Honestly, at this point in my life, I have no need for more “things.” In my 60s, I am at the place in life where I am excited to give away my unneeded belongings. Plus, I have always valued experiences over material possessions: I enjoy traveling and nature, meals with friends and family, and attending live theater and musical events.

While many will criticize our non-gifting tradition as being cheap, selfish, lazy, or whatever, some people will understand. Not exchanging birthday presents, Valentine’s Day stuff, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day gifts, or Christmas presents doesn’t mean we don’t love or value each other, it signifies that the strength of our relationship is not dependent on societal norms.

AI was NOT used in the creation of this article.

Originally published at http://joyceoday.com on November 28, 2023.

CULTURE | FAMILY | MARRIAGE

My Husband and I Don’t Exchange Holiday Gifts

We have never regretted our decision to not buy each other presents