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Abstract

air I can’t write good headlines. <i>I am entitled to everything — just like a Supreme Court Justice (or two) summering with their besties at Club Job Creator.</i></p><p id="d279"><b>All the Medium cool kids write epic headlines. I want in on this. </b><i>I have lots to offer the group — check out my constitutionally-protected aspirational questions vision board!</i></p><p id="d06e">I just didn’t get the catchy headline generator gene. <i>Or anything else in the good genes column. But thanks for the UTI propensity, foot-long nipple hair, and diabetes, Great-great-great Meemaw Molly.</i></p><p id="ce99">How crap are my headlines you wonder?</p><p id="ded2">See for yourself.</p><p id="1f53">Here are my inspired headlines for stories under construction:</p><ol><li>Period Panties & Toxic Shock Masculinity</li></ol><p id="c9c9">2. You Had Me at Step Out of the Car Slowly Ma’am</p><p id="c892">3. Cutting My Eyelashes Off — Not a Mensa Move</p><p id="87c1">4. Out Out Damned Bot</p><p id="d2a7">5. Mansplain Mansplain Go Away.</p><p id="ef73">6. Lock Me Up! Lock Me Up!</p><p id="7946">7. Constipation Nation</p><p id="2746">8. Bee Best</p><p id="5c15">9. Witch Hunts For Rich C*nts</p><p id="92d8

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">10. My Favorite Commandment Is All of Them</p><p id="b734">The end.</p><div id="b650" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@ajcwrites5/thank-you-tony-stubblebine-et-al-for-the-new-medium-partner-program-earnings-formula-%EF%B8%8F-138d1fc59544"> <div> <div> <h2>Thank You Tony Stubblebine et al For the NEW Medium Partner Program Earnings Formula❣️</h2> <div><h3>I earned $2.66 OVERNIGHT 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*ghR8-PQ5X2SZLL7IYEerrA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="941b"><b>Want to write awesome headlines with me? Join my spectacular new publication, with a graceful focus on aging skeletal systems, like a gazelle guzzling from the Fountain of Youth: </b><i>Crone’s Bones</i></p><p id="e7f5"><a href="undefined">Claire Franky</a> — YOU are the Headline Home Run Hitter</p><p id="060b"><a href="undefined">Jason Provencio</a> — YOU are the Professor of Headlines</p></article></body>

PEOPLE USED TO BUY PET ROCKS AND RESPECT THEIR ELDERS

My Headlines Are Sh*t

Succotash is neither succ nor tash

I think this is a linotype machine tray so I picked it because my grandfather was a linotype machine operator. Photo by Fabio Santaniello Bruun on Unsplash

I don’t like it when things don’t come easily. How do fruitatarians endure all that below-tree waiting around?! Holy right time, right place ethical eating choice!

I’m not a fan of “hard work” and “perseverance.” I swear, Mom, those are not my bootstraps! I’m just holding them for a friend who you don’t know and is out of the country with his parents on vacation, without cell service.

I want to have my cake and eat it, too. Marie Antoinette was a nice person on both sides.

It’s not fair I can’t write good headlines. I am entitled to everything — just like a Supreme Court Justice (or two) summering with their besties at Club Job Creator.

All the Medium cool kids write epic headlines. I want in on this. I have lots to offer the group — check out my constitutionally-protected aspirational questions vision board!

I just didn’t get the catchy headline generator gene. Or anything else in the good genes column. But thanks for the UTI propensity, foot-long nipple hair, and diabetes, Great-great-great Meemaw Molly.

How crap are my headlines you wonder?

See for yourself.

Here are my inspired headlines for stories under construction:

Period Panties & Toxic Shock Masculinity

2. You Had Me at Step Out of the Car Slowly Ma’am

3. Cutting My Eyelashes Off — Not a Mensa Move

4. Out Out Damned Bot

5. Mansplain Mansplain Go Away.

6. Lock Me Up! Lock Me Up!

7. Constipation Nation

8. Bee Best

9. Witch Hunts For Rich C*nts

10. My Favorite Commandment Is All of Them

The end.

Thank You Tony Stubblebine et al For the NEW Medium Partner Program Earnings Formula❣️

I earned $2.66 OVERNIGHT 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

medium.com

Want to write awesome headlines with me? Join my spectacular new publication, with a graceful focus on aging skeletal systems, like a gazelle guzzling from the Fountain of Youth: Crone’s Bones

Claire Franky — YOU are the Headline Home Run Hitter

Jason Provencio — YOU are the Professor of Headlines