My Friend Trusted her Sister with her House Keys (and car keys) During her Honeymoon

What could possibly go wrong…?

Back in the day when I was new to working life and growing experienced at socialising, my best friend approached me with an offer that was too good to refuse.

He had just had a phone request from Max*, a good friend of his. Max needed help with “renovating” the new home of a newly-married friend, who also happened to be a former classmate of mine at College.

This friend and her new husband had been married the previous day and had entrusted the care of their new home and her Mitsubishi Sigma (a popular ’80s car) to Suzanne*, her wide-eyed younger sister.

The Home “Improvements”

Still wondering what “renovations” meant, I joined my friend in his Datsun 1600, and off we went to the property in question. I was certain that Max knew.

Max was slightly older than my friend and I and had moved to Melbourne (Australia) where I lived at the time, from South Australia, about six months previously. He had longish blonde hair and an ‘80s sort of beard. He was also full of devious plans and schemes.

Half an hour later, we arrived at the bridal home, and the enormous paneled front door creaked open, to reveal a rather nervous Suzanne.

I wasn’t sure why she was nervous, but when Max and another friend arrived a few minutes later, all was soon revealed.

After initial pleasantries (“How was the wedding?”), he launched into his “home improvement” plan. It wasn’t long before I became aware that this was not going to be like an episode of the iconic Australian home-altering reality show “The Block”.

We then went to “work”.

Stage One of the Plan involved creating a “grand entrance” for the newly-betrothed couple upon their return from Honeymoon-land. This meant an artistically redecorated lounge room, with multiple rolls of toilet paper transforming it into a white papery wonderland. Multiple strategically-placed balloons completed the wonderous (if slightly alien) landscape.

Balloons were also the centrepiece of Stage Two, which was centred on (or in) the Master Bedroom. I did not know until then how many balloons could be fitted into one room, but soon found out, as we struggled to close the door on our masterpiece. I suggested that the Guinness Book of Records be consulted.

Then we moved on to Stage Three, which Max referred to as “socks and jocks on the rocks”. This involved all the groom’s socks and underwear, which had been carefully removed from the Master Bedroom prior to Stage Two, being placed in a large ice cream container, which was then filled almost to the brim with water. This was then placed in the freezer, to create a frozen Jock-and-Sock Margarita for the unsuspecting new husband to enjoy.

Next was Stage Four, which, Max informed us, was “Bath a-la-sludge”. This incorporated the house bath, which was soon filled with not only tap water but also rather exotic substances which normally lived in the dark recesses of laundry cupboards. The resultant swampy concoction looked more at home in Hilda’s cauldron than in the fine ceramic bath. I wondered how stubborn the ring would be to remove, and if the couple’s plumbing would require surgery after this escapade.

We then paused to survey our handiwork…err…transformation.

The final stage, Five, awaited outside.

This involved the couple’s Sigma, which was parked in the carport. No, our plan did not involve “renovating” it, just “repositioning” it.

Max had put a great deal of thought into this part of the Plan, and it looked like he had actually measured the width of the carport to ensure its success.

Soon, after much heavy lifting, all involved edged the vehicle around until it was sideways, with only enough space in the carport to allow this. On one side was the house and on the other was the side fence. A can opener might be required to extract it…

The Plan was complete, we arranged coffees for all the workers…err… devious anonymous participants, and bade our farewell to Suzanne, who looked even more nervous, albeit with a grin. We suggested that she be conspicuously absent when the happy couple returned.

Other Renovations

As I grew older and then met my first wife, I found myself needing my home improvement skills at my best friend’s honeymoon.

I was his best man, and put a line into my speech that revealed the whites of both the groom’s and bride’s eyes: “They were unfortunate enough to leave the kitchen window open just far enough to allow a step-ladder to be placed underneath”. Yes, my apprenticeship had been a success.

Until, after our honeymoon, my wife and I arrived back at our flat to discover a “renovation”…

*Not their real names

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