My Dead Friend Was Sexually Abused as a Child, and Only I Know Her Secret

This is a story of a short life filled with what-ifs

I first met Jane* as a classmate in middle school in the late 1980s. Having a serious personality, Jane would usually be the quietest in the class. That’s not to say she didn’t have her fun side, however. She was civil with everyone, but she seemed happy with her close-knit group of five friends — her clique, so to speak.

(*Not her real name)

I was one of those close friends. We became even closer in high school, having experienced blossoming into young ladies, encountering our first loves, suffering our first heartbreaks, and getting to know each other’s families.

Our group went our separate ways in college, since we took different courses and attended different schools. Some went into the sciences such as Biology and Chemistry. I went into language studies. Jane studied to be a teacher.

It was only after graduating when we had another chance encounter as a complete group, and we started hanging out more often during Fridays after work or during special events like birthdays. It was during one of these gatherings when Jane confided in me — and me alone — about something that had been bothering her for as long as she can remember.

Jane confided in me her deepest, darkest secret: She had been molested as a child.

The details were fuzzy, but she said an uncle almost raped her when she was as young as four years old. And this happened repeatedly in a span of two years or so.

She told me that I was the only person she had confided in.

No one else knows, even her parents. In fact, she was worried that her parents would not believe her and will instead side with her attacker.

A troubled childhood

According to the YWCA, 93 percent of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abuser. The study also says that younger children are more prone to be abused by a family member or close relative. “The younger the victim, the more likely it is that the abuser is a family member. Of those molesting a child under six, 50 percent were family members.”

In the case of Jane, the trusted person gained access to her because of her troubled family life. Her mum and dad were always fighting. During week-long bouts of separation, her mum would drop Jane and her brother off to stay at relatives’ house while she resolved her marital issues.

Mum and dad were often violent, and Jane told me she sometimes felt at peace while staying at their relatives.

But this proved to be cataclysmic, as it enabled Jane’s attacker to have unbridled access to her. Life turned upside-down when the uncle started undressing her and molesting her. That started when she was four.

A scarred youth

Jane would take this experience very hard. While she did not tell anyone, It was later on when recalled seeing warning signs since having known her during our younger days. Jane was a control-freak. She was almost obsessive-compulsive with her things: organized room, organized closets, organized bags, and even organized pencil cases.

This compulsion to control everything extended to her body image. Jane developed anorexia. While she underwent treatments for this, her weight would roller-coaster during her teens as a result.

Such obsessive-compulsive and eating disorders are often correlated to a history of sexual abuse. It was no different with Jane.

She also had big trust issues and relationship issues.

“Common relationship difficulties that survivors may experience are difficulties with trust, fear of intimacy, fear of being different or weird, difficulty establishing interpersonal boundaries, passive behaviors, and getting involved in abusive relationships,” writes a report by the American Counselling Association.

For Jane, this fear of intimacy and trust would extend to her relationships. She would be paranoid and controlling of her partners.

“Instead of growing up to experience the body as a source of pleasure, your partner may have experienced it as a source of pain. She may think of sex as a form of control rather than an expression of love,” says a report by the Family Services of Greater Vancouver.

Finding solace with family

Jane married young and had quite a big family. I had been happy for her, since I thought she finally found peace. But something seemed missing, and she never seemed to be truly happy.

Illness took hold of Jane, and she died a few months short of her 40th birthday, leaving a grieving husband and young children.

I never knew if she told her husband about her abuse as a young girl. I don’t know if she was ever able to seek therapy or treatment for her bad experience as a child.

What I know is that Jane told me I’m the only one who knows. Sadly, she brought this secret to her grave with only me sharing the burden.

You are not alone, Jane

I’m sharing this today, in the hopes that I have not broken the trust Jane placed in me. I hope that in the afterlife, Jane has achieved the peace she has sought for a long time.

This is also a warning to parents of young children — whether they be boys or girls. Be mindful of the signs of abuse. Do not neglect your children. Do not blindly trust close relatives. And when your kids tell you they are not comfortable with an adult — even if they are your relatives or family — listen to them.

I have written this in honor of Jane. While she was left with deep scars throughout her life, she was a radiant and beautiful friend, whom I still treasure dearly.