My Fourteen Year Old Son’s Friend Was Accused of Rape, and I’m Scared

How do I ensure this doesn’t happen to my sons?

I was at the pub with my friend, Dave. He loves a beer and a chat and is always great fun to be around. Today he was reticent, spending most of his time staring forlornly into his beer. It was the slowest I had ever see him have a beer.

Mate, what’s up?

I asked, preparing myself for him to say he had a bad day or his football team’s star player was injured. He then told me a story that shocked me. And even now, a week later, it is hard to fathom.

His son, only recently turned fourteen, had been accused of rape.

I have fourteen-year-old twin boys. They have entered the awkward puberty age where their voices are breaking, their skin is erupting with pimples, and if you squint hard enough, you can see some fuzz on their top lips.

Despite this, I still see them as my little boys. The cute babies that were born premature and spent their first few weeks in a special ward at the hospital, barely weighing four pounds each.

I remember their first step, their first words. It doesn’t seem that long ago. But when I heard Dave’s story, I knew I needed to adjust my thinking. And rapidly. They were no longer little children but adolescents that were maturing and evolving. I needed to talk to them.

But first, let me recap Dave’s story. It is paraphrased as I was in shock, and he was emotional. Most of the details, however, remain ingrained in my brain.

Let’s call his son Hudson. I have known him since he was six. He went to school with my sons and played on their basketball team. A friendly, bubbly child.

After elementary school, he went to a different school to my kids. There he wanted to be popular, and he was overly confident, which rubbed others the wrong way. He was in a lot of fights. His grades dropped. In October, his parents decided to move to a different suburb and a different school. A fresh start for all.

It was in his first few weeks that he met Cassie (name also changed). They started dating. At fourteen, I envisaged this being hand holding, a ‘date’ to see a movie or lunch at McDonald’s. One of my sons had a girlfriend, and they didn’t even get to the handholding stage.

Hudson seemed a bit more developed than my kids; it seemed. While mine focused on Playstation, he was focused on girls. And now he had a new girlfriend; he had a spring in his step. And just a touch more arrogance.

Hudson’s parents were both at work one day, and he invited Cassie over. Unknown to his parents, Hudson performed a sex act on Cassie. And then he made the huge mistake of telling all his new school friends.

Word spread, and Cassie felt betrayed and ashamed. She then told the same friends that Hudson raped her.

As soon as Dave said the R-word, his head dropped even further. My mouth was wide open. I couldn’t imagine little Hudson that I had known since he was knee-high engaging in any sexual activity. And to be accused of this. I assumed it wasn’t true. I hoped and prayed it wasn’t true.

Dave felt sick, as did his wife. They were upset and angry. They didn’t believe their son had raped Cassie, but they were angry that he had engaged in sexual activity that they believed was inappropriate at that age and that he had bragged to his friends about it.

As my mind spun, it quickly turned to my own kids. Surely they wouldn’t do anything like this.

Or would they?

I needed to talk to them. But how to bring up a topic like this? And would it make a difference?

According to the CDC, in national surveys, teens report that their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex — more than friends or the media. When I saw this, I was surprised; teenagers actually listen to what their parents have to say. I couldn't even get my kids to clean their room. Experts on sexual assault say that education for young people is an important way to diminish the incidence of sexual assault.

According to the American Society of Pediatrics, approximately 30% of boys and 20% of girls had experienced sexual intercourse at least once by age 14 years. I needed to have a chat ASAP.

We sat down to talk about sex. Not the actual act of sex, for they had learned about that in school a few years earlier, but safety and consent. About respect for themselves and respect for others.

It was awkward at first for all of us. Discussing the incident that occurred with Hudson was hard. As we spoke, I could see my sons look away, uncomfortable. I acknowledged it was a difficult conversation, but we needed to push through this and have an open and honest discussion.

There were some topics that we discussed. Things like clarifying the difference between sexual assault and appropriate behavior. And allowing them to trust their judgment. To not succumb to peer pressure. And most importantly that they could talk to my partner and me at any time.

They agreed and rushed back to their Playstations — still young boys at heart. I hoped my words had sunk in.

I hope the incident with Cassie and Hudson is resolved. But I am scared. Scared for my children. They are growing up way too quickly — with phones and Social Media and an internet that offers access to everything. They joke about watching porn. There is a world of content available for them to view — no trying to find their dad’s old Playboys like I had to. I hope they realize what they watch online isn’t real life.

The incident has shaken me. And woken me up to the serious issues that teenagers will encounter. I have to trust that the discussions I had with my kids have sunk in, and they become model citizens. Or at least respectful ones.

I would never expect them to do anything wrong. But then neither did Dave expect that of his son.

Footnote:

If you want to have a talk with young teenagers I found this video is a very good way of explaining consent and respect.