My Food Obsession
Understanding it and making it work FOR me
I walked, for a long time, in a veil of shame. I was the one who always had room for more. I could out-eat the grown men from my 5'1" female frame. At bedtime, I dreamed of breakfast. At breakfast, I discussed brunch. When we talked of going to an event, my mind danced around the possible foods that may be served there. As the weight crept up, I learned to silence these thoughts and keep them to myself. Yes, OF COURSE the “fat girl” is thinking about food.
No matter how much we promote it, nobody enjoys the feeling of being different. At least, not until you discover just what it is that makes you different. For a long time, I felt that I must just be broken. That everyone else had been programmed to have a healthy relationship with food, and I was some kind of freak. I was doomed to be embarrassed because I couldn’t get food off my mind.
Back when MyFitnessPal and other calorie counting programs started to arrive on the scene, they became ALL the rage. I tried, I really did, but counting each calorie only highlighted my obsession with food. It didn’t stop me from thinking about it all of the time. If anything, I thought about it MORE because now I had to keep a constant tally in my head. It drove me crazy and led to more than one absolute tear-ridden breakdown.
One day, I was reading, and came across the history of an old study conducted at the end of WWII. You may have heard of it. The Minnesota Starvation Experiment. For nearly a year (1944–1945), researchers at the University of Minnesota created near-starvation conditions for 36 student volunteers.
If you know your history, this time period saw quite a lot of war-induced famine around the world. Researchers wanted to understand more about the physiological effects of starvation, as well as best practices for re-feeding the victims. The volunteers were healthy adult men, who had mostly been conscientious objectors of the draft.
As I read, I noticed how much I was relating to the participants of the study. Depression, anxiety, paranoia while hungry…binge eating and food obsession. I thought about my formative years. Our single mother was radically unprepared to care for us on her own. Likely the result of her own childhood neglect.
We were often hungry. My sister and I recall mixing water with our mother’s unused slim-fast powder that we found in the cabinet. It was something to keep us going. We would walk a couple miles and cross a busy street to buy a bag of potatoes with the change we had gathered from couch cushions and scavenging. Then “bake” them in the microwave and discuss how nice it would be to have butter.
I didn’t know other children at school were not as hungry as I was. I didn’t get the free or reduced lunch, because my mother was too embarrassed to fill out the paperwork. So, I often watched my friends eat and sometimes they were nice enough to share…but they didn’t understand my plight either, and shamed me for not just bringing in my own lunch.
Many of the participants in the study went on to regain the weight and pack on a few pounds for good-measure. They also devoted their lives to food in one way or another. Some took on careers that allowed them to help food insecure countries and join humanitarian missions. While others switched their majors entirely, to enter culinary arts. Essentially, there was a deep desire to eat and feed other people.
Was THIS the reason for my years of mental health struggles? Was THIS why I thought about food so much? When I was old enough to have my own money, I took great joy in going to the grocery store. At nearly 40, I am STILL excited as I peruse the edges of the store and gaze upon the fresh produce, various cuts of meat, and baked goods.
Something has changed, however. You see, the participants in the study had volunteered. They knew what was happening to them and why. I was just a kid in poverty and neglect. I didn’t volunteer. I didn’t understand. When I discovered this study, I began to realize I was not just innately “broken” or “bad”. I was behaving EXACTLY as someone would behave in those circumstances.
As I lifted the veil of shame, I was able to embrace my feelings towards food. I began to see it as a strength. What can a person do with a deep love of food and feeding people? I figured becoming a chef was a bit late, but I definitely thought about it. (I wrote about my daydream of being a Disney Chef here)
Instead, I find opportunities to help local food banks. I donate whenever I can. I also started toying with the idea of writing more about food. I love to travel and I think having a food blog would be a fun project for me. I also want to learn more about filming food, to do small food tours during our travels.
Health-wise, over the years I have been able to respect food more. I still eat all the time, but I make sure it is of the highest quality and nutritional value. I take pride in my eating habits and discuss my meals openly if asked. I am at a healthy weight. I run. I walk. I eat.
With these new revelations, I sometimes wonder if the Chefs I see were just hungry kids too. What life events pushed them to build their careers around food? Maybe nothing. Maybe they just love cooking. That is cool too. Not all of us can have a tragic backstory. ;)
I am writing about improving myself, traveling, making money, paying off debts, figuring out how to help others, and all the thoughts and questions I have along the way. Consider following me to see what happens next!