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My First Kiss Was With A Country Bumpkin Wearing Dentures
Short story about my awkward first kiss
It was a brisk, cold Saturday in December. I was a 19-year-old college Freshman. Since it was the weekend, my friends and I did what we did every weekend — party. After we pre-gamed at our tiny apartment, we headed to the club. In the club, it was dark, the music was loud, and the drinks were a flowin’.
Per usual, my two friends were off-coupled up, and I was left dancing alone. I didn’t mind; I preferred to dance alone anyway. 6 shots of tequila later, I was approached by a guy. We will call him Phil. He introduced himself and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the club. Blah, blah, blah.
Truthfully, I could hardly see him for several reasons; I was born with visual impairment, the dark club, and I was drunk as a skunk. I could see he was not much older than me (he said 24) and sounded like a country bumpkin. He wore a hat, jeans, a tank top (in winter), and boots. He was definitely not a college student or from around those parts. But it was no big deal, the guy was buying my drinks, and I was a broke college gal who desperately did not need more alcohol (but wanted it anyway).
As we continued to dance the night away, suddenly, in the dark nightclub, Phil made his move. He grabbed my face and planted a sloppy, unexpected kiss on my mouth. The kiss seemed to have lasted for eternity. I finally managed to pull away, but I was confused and terrified.
First, I didn’t see that one coming (I mean, it was dark and the vision impairment situation). Second, I had my first kiss in a nightclub with a guy I could hardly see or barely knew. And third, because something wasn’t quite right with the kiss. Why were his teeth moving? And what was that god-awful taste and smell? The shit wasn’t adding up.
Since the kiss was sloppy, I could taste and smell his fishy saliva on my lips. As I sat there amazed at what happened, I blurted out, “Why does your mouth taste weird?” He replied in his country accent, “Oh, yeah, I am wearing dentures. I have been wearing them for a few years now. Sorry about the taste; I need to get them cleaned.”
Oh. My. God. I thought. I just had my first kiss from a guy with dirty dentures. Once I returned home, I brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouth-wash for an hour. I also had nightmares for weeks (LOL). That was not how I envisioned my first kiss. I told my friends, and they laughed at me for years. I am sure I am not the only one who had a traumatizing first kiss…
The moral of the story — buy your own damn drinks.
© Ari Love, 2022