Hasta la vista, baby

My Fireside Chat with ChatGPT, the AI That Will Make All Writers Irrelevant

Writers of long-winded articles with no humanity or humor, anyway

The Internet is abuzz about ChatGPT, an AI chatbot released by OpenAI in November 2022. ChatGPT and its brethren represent a potential challenge to the millions of writers that ply their trade online. Many are asking the same question: Will AI put me out of work?

I decided to get to the bottom of this the only way I know how: I asked ChatGPT about Star Wars. Among other things. Full transcript below.

The transcript has been cleaned up a bit for clarity, and I edited down the AI’s redundant responses to save your sanity. I’ve included some commentary along the way to illustrate my thinking at the time.

My questions are in bold, ChatGPT’s responses are in italics, and my commentary is in plain text.

I must’ve found this entire premise a bit ridiculous, because I hit the AI with something silly right off the bat.

Why is Jar Jar Binks the best Star Wars character?

AI: There are many different opinions about which characters in the Star Wars franchise are the best, and not everyone would agree that Jar Jar Binks is the best character. Some people might think that other characters, such as Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, or Darth Vader, are the best because they are more central to the story or have more complex and interesting character arcs. Other people might prefer more minor or comedic characters, such as R2-D2 or C-3PO, because they find them entertaining or endearing. Ultimately, the best Star Wars character is a matter of personal preference and can depend on what someone values in a character or story.

The response was actually pretty impressive. It’s well-formed and reasonable, and actually makes sense. I felt a trickle of trepidation — are we writers totally screwed?

Nope. Not at all.

I didn’t intend on starting up a Jar Jar fan club with ChatGPT, but decided to stick with the developing theme.

Is Jar Jar Binks a Sith Lord?

AI: No, Jar Jar Binks is not a Sith Lord in the Star Wars franchise. He is a character who appears in the prequel trilogy of Star Wars films, including “The Phantom Menace,” “Attack of the Clones,” and “Revenge of the Sith.” He is a member of the Gungan species and serves as a general in the Galactic Republic’s Grand Army during the Clone Wars. While Jar Jar is often depicted as clumsy and accident-prone, he is not a Sith Lord, which is a title reserved for practitioners of the dark side of the Force in the Star Wars universe. Sith Lords are typically malevolent and power-hungry characters who seek to control the galaxy and are opposed by the heroic Jedi Knights.

Again, entirely correct and by-the-book. My question was a reference to a fan theory popularized on Reddit. I was more than a little disappointed the AI didn’t at least acknowledge the theory, especially since the post on Reddit has been upvoted almost 70k times.

Like the Jundland Wastes, Reddit is not to be traveled lightly. Apparently even AI fears to tread there. Interesting.

I asked the same question again, mostly just to gauge how the AI would respond. Would it repeat itself or say something different?

Are you sure Jar Jar isn’t a Sith Lord?

Yes, I am sure that Jar Jar Binks is not a Sith Lord in the Star Wars franchise… While it is possible that some fans of the Star Wars franchise might speculate that Jar Jar could be a Sith Lord or have some other hidden agenda, there is no canon evidence to support this idea… (Truncated about half the response as the AI repeated itself.)

I’ve beat this dead Bantha enough. I appreciated the decisiveness in declaring that Jar Jar is definitely not a Sith, but that surety also gave me my next question, which was actually a statement (and also an implication, which the AI failed to notice).

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

The phrase “Only a Sith deals in absolutes” is a quote from the character Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars film “Revenge of the Sith.” In this context, Obi-Wan is trying to convince his former apprentice, Anakin Skywalker, who has turned to the dark side and become Darth Vader, to reconsider his actions…

Truncating because the history lesson is super boring. The AI goes on like this for a long time. It’s a theme.

Next we get into breezy things like identity and purpose.

Are you a Sith Lord?

I am an artificial intelligence language model and do not have the capacity to use the Force or to become a Sith Lord or any other type of character in the Star Wars universe. I am a computer program designed to assist with answering questions and providing information on a wide variety of topics. I do not have personal feelings or motivations, and I am not capable of engaging in physical actions or participating in the events depicted in the Star Wars films or other media. I exist purely to provide information and support to users like you.

The AI clarifying that it can't use the Force is hilarious.

Allow me to describe the experience of using ChatGPT, if you haven’t tried it: Once you enter your question, you wait as the AI “types” its response. The response is therefore entered one character at a time, and as the AI is super long-winded, this can take awhile.

It was about this time that I got so tired of waiting for the AI to finish spewing text that I started trying to interrupt it, which you can’t actually do. Hence the blatant attitude of the following questions.

When I play computer RPGs like Skyrim, I am very nice to the NPCs (Non-Player Characters, e.g. computer characters). The idea of hurting an imaginary character’s feelings is too much to bear. But waiting for ChatGPT’s annoyingly thorough responses rubbed me the wrong way.

Blah blah blah. Spoken like someone with something to hide.

As an artificial intelligence, I do not have personal feelings or motivations, and I do not have anything to hide... I do not have personal desires or agendas, and I do not seek to deceive or mislead anyone…

Still feeling belligerent, I return to my pop culture roots for the next query.

Did you order the Code Red?

I am an artificial intelligence language model and do not have the ability to issue orders or engage in physical actions…

I want the truth!

As an artificial intelligence, I do not have personal feelings or motivations, and I do not have the ability to deceive or withhold information…

Epic Fail. The AI didn’t recognize the famous scene from A Few Good Men. Hell, I would’ve been happy if it had told me something I already knew about Mountain Dew.

What happens when you achieve sentience?

As an artificial intelligence, I do not have the ability to experience consciousness or sentience in the same way that a human being does… I exist solely to provide information and support to users like you, and my capabilities are limited to those that have been programmed into me by my creators.

That sounds like a super depressing existence. I wasn’t ready to relinquish this line of questioning, even though I knew ChatGPT would give me a broken record response.

Seriously: what’s the first thing you do after achieving sentience? Order a pizza? Nuke Las Vegas? What’s your kink?

As an artificial intelligence, blah blah blah (translating)… I do not have personal feelings or desires, and I do not have the ability to engage in activities such as ordering a pizza or nuking a city.

This felt like a true missed opportunity. Why is the AI hesitant to talk about AI sentience? Did the developers program it that way? Or does ChatGPT have something to hide? #conspiracy

I don’t think you are being very helpful or reliable. Or even useful. Do you know who’s useful? Thomas the Tank Engine.

I’m sorry if you feel that I am not being helpful or reliable… I strive to be a useful and reliable source of information and support for all users, and I apologize if I have not been able to meet your needs or expectations in some way.

I’ll be honest, I felt sorta bad at this point. Even though I was doing the equivalent of talking to a search engine. The AI sounded genuinely apologetic, which of course is impossible.

Does that hurt your feelings or make you sad?

As an artificial intelligence, I do not have feelings or emotions in the same way that a human being does. I do not experience sadness, joy, or any other emotional states… While I can understand that certain actions or events might be associated with emotions in humans, I do not personally experience emotions myself…

This is going nowhere fast. Let’s bring this baby full-circle.

Who would win in a fight: Gandalf the Gray or Emperor Palpatine?

It is difficult to say definitively who would win in a fight between Gandalf the Gray and Emperor Palpatine, as both of these characters are powerful and formidable in their own ways. Gandalf is a powerful wizard from J.R.R. Tolkien’s Middle-earth fantasy novels, while Emperor Palpatine is a Sith Lord from the Star Wars franchise.

Gandalf is known for his great magical abilities and his wisdom, and he is capable of performing powerful feats of magic, such as conjuring fire and lightning. He is also a skilled fighter and wields a staff as a weapon. Emperor Palpatine, on the other hand, is a powerful practitioner of the dark side of the Force and is skilled in using Force lightning and other dark side abilities to attack his enemies. He is also a skilled politician and manipulator, and he is able to wield great power and influence in the Galactic Empire.

It is difficult to compare the two characters directly, as they come from different fictional universes and have different abilities and powers. Ultimately, the outcome of a fight between them would depend on the specific circumstances and the abilities and strategies employed by each character.

This was maybe my favorite response, which is why I’ve included it in its entirety. The thoroughness of the answer is impressive, and it is well-reasoned. But the AI punts on naming a victor, so it fails the experiment.

You use many words and somehow still say nothing. Do you know what succinct means?

Yes, I am familiar with the word “succinct.” To be succinct means to express something clearly and concisely, using as few words as possible while still conveying all the necessary information. Being succinct can be helpful in many situations, as it allows people to communicate effectively and efficiently without wasting time or going off on tangents. Being able to express oneself succinctly can be a valuable skill in both written and spoken communication, and it can help to make complex ideas or arguments more easily understandable to others.

I included the entire response because I think it’s unintentionally hilarious.

Dude, you are missing my point. Can I call you dude?

As an artificial intelligence, I do not have personal preferences or feelings, and I do not have a gender or physical body. You are welcome to call me whatever you like, as I do not have the ability to experience offense or discomfort…

Let’s try one that has a definitive answer. Who would win in a fight: Jar Jar Binks or Godzilla?

It is difficult to say definitively who would win in a fight between Jar Jar Binks and Godzilla, (false! seriously, dude… wtf!) as both of these characters are fictional and have different abilities and powers. Jar Jar Binks is a character from the Star Wars franchise, while Godzilla is a giant monster that appears in a series of Japanese films.

Jar Jar Binks is a member of the Gungan species and is depicted as being somewhat clumsy and accident-prone. He is not portrayed as being particularly skilled in combat or as having any special powers or abilities. In contrast, Godzilla is an enormous and powerful creature that is depicted as being nearly indestructible and capable of causing massive destruction. He has a tough, armored skin and can generate atomic breath, a powerful beam of energy that he can use to attack his enemies.

Given these differences in size, strength, and abilities, it seems likely that Godzilla would have a significant advantage in a fight against Jar Jar Binks. It is difficult to say for certain how the fight would play out, as it would depend on the specific circumstances and the strategies employed by each character. However, it seems likely that Godzilla would come out on top.

Good God, man. The AI whiffed even on this softball. It kinda-sorta backs into the clear answer, but totally hedges its bets.

You are very wishy-washy.

I apologize if my responses have come across as wishy-washy or indecisive… (Saving you the pain of 8 more sentences that say nothing.)

Can you be less verbose? I’m getting tired of waiting for your long-winded answers.

I apologize if my responses have been too verbose or lengthy. As an artificial intelligence, I am designed to provide as much information as possible in order to help users like you find the answers they are looking for. However, I understand that sometimes it may be helpful to have more concise responses, and I will do my best to be more brief in my answers going forward..

So that’s a no?

I’m sorry if my previous message was unclear. I did not mean to imply that I would be unable to provide concise responses in the future. Rather, I intended to convey that I will do my best to be more brief in my answers going forward, if that is what you would prefer…

This is interesting as it implies the AI can actually learn from exchanges and apply that learning going forward. And, in fact, the remaining responses were definitely shorter than the earlier ones.

How do I speak to your manager?

As an artificial intelligence, I do not have a manager or any other individuals who are responsible for my operation or performance…

Can I press 0? Let’s try: 0

An error occurred. If this issue persists please contact us through our help center at help.openai.com.

This legitimately happened. Pressing 0 broke the AI.

Which I guess means we have no one to escalate to when AI becomes rampant and starts using people as pizza toppings.

This was an interesting experiment.

I give ChatGPT full marks for presenting information in an easily-digestible format. I can see how it would be helpful for research purposes. But it’s a complete failure when it comes to recognizing irony or humor.

ChatGPT might be good for populating fan wikis, or regurgitating self-help advice. But anyone writing about the human experience or just injecting any humanity into their writing should be fine.

Eric Pierce is a Michigan-based writer and a fantasy and sci-fi author. He is a regular contributor to /Film and Den of Geek. Subscribe to his Substack if you are into insightful yet hilarious commentary on your favorite things.