Summary

Emma Holiday discusses her journey as a transgender woman, newly embracing her female identity after decades of living as a male, and seeks guidance on femininity and fashion while navigating societal expectations and personal expression.

Abstract

Emma Holiday shares her personal struggle with gender dysphoria, having lived as a male for decades despite identifying as female. She acknowledges her limited understanding of femininity due to her past life experiences and the influence of American culture from the late 1950s to the 2020s. Emma is eager to learn about being a woman, from fashion to social norms, and is open to advice without succumbing to patriarchal ridicule. She expresses a desire to explore her feminine style, which includes makeup and clothing that align with her sense of self, while being mindful of practicality and age-appropriateness. Emma's transition is not just about outward appearance but also about finding inner peace and acceptance in a world that often misunderstands transgender individuals.

Opinions

Emma admits to having a biased, patriarchal perception of femininity due to her upbringing in American society from the late 1950s to the 2020s.
She seeks advice and guidance from others, particularly from a sisterly perspective, to avoid social ridicule and navigate her new feminine identity safely.
Emma's vision of her female self includes traditionally feminine aspects like makeup and dresses, and she aspires to express her femininity without conforming to extremes or societal stereotypes.
She rejects the notion of adhering to a "Binary Code of Conduct" and wishes to live authentically as the woman she is, free from rigid gender roles.
Emma emphasizes the importance of personal style, which for her includes practical choices like denim pants and hiking boots, reflecting her life in NYC and her age.
She expresses excitement about exploring fashion and beauty products, anticipating the joy of shopping in person rather than online.
Emma reflects on her past dissatisfaction with men's clothing and her longing glances at women's fashion, which evoked mixed emotions.
Her writing serves therapeutic purposes, aims to connect with other transgender individuals to alleviate their loneliness, and educate cisgender people to foster understanding and acceptance of transgender individuals.

My Female Learners Permit

Make believe I just escaped from North Korea

I regularly talk about my gender ignorance. Accepting that I am female by gender, I have been forced to live as a male for decades. There is a lot I don’t know about being a woman.

Now before you start lecturing me about my twisted male perception of femininity caused by a life as a white privileged man viewing women through a patriarchal lens, let me quickly surrender and say “yes”. I am biased. I was raised in the American Experience of the late 1950’s through the 2020’s, from Marilyn Monroe straight through to the Kardashian Clan of Fashion.

So, give me a break.

Make believe I just escaped from North Korea. I just popped out of a tunnel from the stark military world of Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea …

… into the middle of fashion week in Seoul, South Korea.

I just got my female learners permit. Give me advice. I need a lot. I don’t need to expose myself up to new unexpected dangers or open myself up to social ridicule. I just want to be me, whoever that is. So, give me a hand.

I need some place to hang up the male uniform I have worn for decades and finally have some style…and I want it all. In addition, I want to know how to be careful. I never had to, before. Be my big sister, be my guide. Warn me about stupid mistakes before I make them. Don’t join the other patriarchs and ridicule me for accepting my female gender in violation of the Binary Code of Conduct.

I was never really a dues-paying male member of the club.

Yes, my vision of me as a female includes makeup, dresses and showing some cleavage. Plenty of women do, so why can’t I. So what if I am closer to a girlie girl, on the female presentation scale, than to a masculine girl. I didn’t battle for my gender identity to just dress up as a nun or biker woman. I want to live as the woman I am and live my sense of feminism the way that I have had to suppress all my life.

My expression is no different than most other women. I don’t want fishnets, high heels and short skirts. Look, I am 65 so I will settle on being 50ish with a 50-year-old sense of fashion. I live in NYC so my style will differ from other places. That is to be expected. I don’t intend to become a fashionista; I just want to be somewhat fashionable.

Come on, I waited a long time.

I intend to wear denim pants, a lot. I am keeping my hiking boots but I will definitely spend a significant time in the shoe department after I buy tons of make up that I don’t know how to use yet. I will make many a commissioned saleswoman’s day. Sephora may name a wing after me. I have spent way too much time shopping on the internet. I want to try on clothes and shoes. I want to feel the material. Dressing as a guy, well, things like that never mattered.

I have always hated shopping for men’s clothes. My brain would always shut down and I would just dully grab the same stuff over and over again to replace whatever I wore out. The highlight of my visit to the men’s department was to steal a glimpse into the lady’s department. It always made me happy and sad at the same time.

So, if you see a slightly masculine looking female with a happy but confused look on her face, have pity and offer help. She will have a big, red “L” on her back.

She just got her learner permit.

Emma Holiday

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.

Thank you for reading my work.

Please also read:

The Transgender Pain

The Pain

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