My Favorite Quotes From ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce
A sarcastic word nerd’s paradise
If you’re a word nerd and you love dry humor, The Devil’s Dictionary* by Ambrose Bierce is definitely the read for you. Bierce’s satirical version of a dictionary provides a sardonic alternative to many common definitions that are sure to make you chuckle. The following are some of my favorites.
“Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.”
“Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
“Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
“Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.”
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.”
“Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.”
“Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.”
“Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.”
“Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.”
“Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.”
“Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.”
“Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.”
“Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.”
“Antagonist, n. The miserable scoundrel who won’t let us.”
“Attorney, n. A person legally appointed to mismanage one’s affairs which one has not himself the skill to rightly mismanage.”
“Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.”
“Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.”
“Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.”
“Entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection.”
“Twice, adv. Once too often.”
“Rumor, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.”
“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
“Self-Esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.”
“Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.”
“Resident, adj. Unable to leave.”
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