Summary

The website content is a satirical article by an author, Mr. Garza, showcasing and responding to various eccentric fan letters he has received, ranging from admiration to death threats.

Abstract

Mr. Garza, a self-proclaimed cultural leader and literary figure on Medium, shares a selection of his fan mail, which includes over-the-top praise, bizarre requests, and ominous threats. He responds with humor and sarcasm, highlighting the absurdity of the letters. Among these are proposals to dissect him for medical purposes, invitations to bear children together, reminders of unpaid debts related to a prison break, and an offer to become the Head Writer of Words at Medium.com with a lucrative salary and benefits. Mr. Garza's responses reflect his amusement and a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of his perceived influence and the eccentricities of his readership.

Opinions

Mr. Garza views himself as a significant cultural and literary influence on Medium, suggesting he sees his work as having a substantial impact on his audience.
The author treats the fan letters with humor, indicating that he does not take the content of the letters too seriously and enjoys the attention, regardless of its nature.
Mr. Garza's interactions with Dr. Doctorson, a recurring character in the letters, imply a level of familiarity with the sender and an appreciation for the absurdity of the situation.
The mention of a prison break and connections with potentially dangerous individuals like Herbert Hitmanson and Al Qaeda is likely hyperbolic, used for comedic effect rather than a reflection of real events.
The author's rejection of the offer to become Head Writer of Words at Medium.com, despite its attractive terms, suggests a commitment to his current path and a possible distrust of the offer's legitimacy or the concentration of power it represents.
Mr. Garza's closing remarks encourage further engagement from his readers, indicating a desire to continue growing his audience and influence on the platform.

My Fan Mail: Letters of Praise, Amazement, and Death Threats

Complete strangers love my work. Can you blame them?

Many of you have probably noticed that I’ve become quite the cultural leader on Medium.

In fact, some may even say that I’ve become a literary God among illiterate apes (my words, not theirs).

As you would expect, I get a fair amount of fan mail from my devoted readers, and to prove how influential I am, I thought I’d share some of the letters I’ve received without the authors’ permission, and respond to them with words.

Bask in the evidence of my greatness!

Dear Mr. Garza,

I love your opinions. I love your articles. And I love your passion for the written word. Please let me dissect you for purely medical reasons. I promise you, you won’t feel a thing — I’m great with power tools.

Sincerely,

Dr. Doctorson

Hi, Doc! Thanks for the kind words. Getting operated on by a disgraced military doctor who was forced into early retirement sounds like quite a lark. Just make sure not to use any anesthetic, as I thrive on pain.

Dear Karl,

If I keep reading your Medium articles, will I win the Indy 500 on foot?

My name is not Karl. You will not win the Indy 500.

Dear Mr Garza,

I am a big burly man. I’m so tough, my back hair will fight you — and win. Superman and Wolverine want my friendship but are too afraid to ask for such an honor. My Adam’s apple is so pronounced, it makes alpha males squeal like Catholic schoolgirls who’ve never before seen Mount Everest protruding from a man’s windpipe. My Adam’s apple can cut down redwood trees AND turn their lumber into a luxury resort for the disgustingly rich and manful. My Adam’s apple is all, it is great.

However, reading your Medium articles stirs up emotions in me that I thought only existed in the fairer sex.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, can I bear your children? I’m not sure how the biology would work, since we’re both men, but I am friends with a certain Dr. Doctorson, who I think would be a great midwife. What do you say?

Love,

Manly Manderson of Manchester

We’d have to get hitched first. Also, I think Dr. Doctorson would be a great unlicensed obstetrician for us, considering the fact he spearheaded various illegal torture experiments before, after, and during the Carter administration.

Dear Lewis,

When are you going to pay me for breaking you out of that Maximum Security Prison & Spa for the Mentally Evil & Probably Illiterate? You still owe me for setting up your new life as a world renowned Medium writer and emu farmer. Pay me what you owe me, or you and your family will be hearing from the explosives I got on loan from Al Qaeda. If you fuck with me, I’ll fuck you right back.

Your future murderer,

Herbert Hitmanson

The check’s in the mail. And my name’s not Lewis.

To the Greatest Medium Writer and Emu Farmer known to me,

I am the president of Medium.com. I’ve been so impressed with your contributions to this platform, and I am honored that you chose my little website on which to spread your literary gospel and knowledge of raising ostrich knockoffs. You’ve been such an invaluable asset to this humble company, that I would like to make you Head Writer of Words. This position pays a yearly salary that’s equal to the GDP of a small- to medium-size country, and entails that every clap that any writer ever receives will go directly to an illegal dummy account that we’ve set up for you in the Cayman Islands. I will gladly divorce my Icelandic supermodel wife so that you may have her as your bride. What do you say?

Regards,

Melvin Mediumson

Sorry, Mr. Mediumson, but that’s too much power for one man. Your Icelandic supermodel wife sounds nice, but I’m married to my words, and am currently involved in some torrid relationships with a few sentences, to boot. But thanks anyway, I guess!

And there you have it. If you’d like to write me letters praising me as your new god, offer my father dowries for my hand in marriage, or simply remind me of my obligation to various assassins, deposed genocidal dictators, and mafia bookies, well then, just do it already.

Fare thee well, my lowly minions.

If you enjoyed reading my blogging antics as much as I may or may not have enjoyed writing them, follow me on Twitter for even more literary irresponsibility!