My extended family

Finding kinship online

I didn’t really come out as trans to anyone in real life (IRL). I just started taking cross sex hormones quietly. I then felt so terribly alone. I couldn’t tell anyone about how I was feeling without opening that can of worms. So, I searched online for someone, anyone who might understand. I found such a place in an online forum called Chatzy, There I met people who were just like me. I was so addicted to that group. That server tended to skew younger, and the role of counselor was exhausting and so sad. If you want to cry non-stop, you should visit a younger transfolk chat room. There is so much sadness in these young folk's lives, and I feel powerless to help.

Young men going through puberty and begging for a binder. Young girls who just wanted to stop the gross hair starting to show up uninvited. Their parents were never supportive and frequently hostile to them. I remember one girl, that lived in Turkey. She was half Chinese and half Saudi Arabian. She was at that time 15. Her father, who had several wives, threatened to send her back to Saudi Arabia. We all know how that would have gone.

I quickly found another place where thousands of transfolk hung out online. This place is called Discord. Discord is a very large platform of individual servers. I found a server sponsored by Susan’s Place. Susan’s Place is a heavily moderated site, where safety and security of the members is paramount. I met some folks there too. Susan’s place was too constricting for the conversations I wanted to have. Dosages and such were a no-no.

There is one super sad story that I would like to tell you. I was new to Susan’s Place chat room, and I was talking to some very nice transfolks. Then a screen name that I didn’t recognize showed up. The person was frantically trying to find information about his girlfriend who used to chat in Susan’s Place. I never met her. The new guy was frantically trying to piece together why she killed herself. Those are the kinds of things you will see in some chat rooms. That conversation will never ever leave my mind. So, if you don’t believe the statistics about transfolk and suicide, I can tell you that it is definitely real and it is happening as I type.

Me and some other girls broke out of Susan’s kindergarten class and started our own discord server. We were grownups and wanted to talk as grown people do. I was the recruiter. I would search chatrooms and look for the ignored folks. Chat rooms can be cliquey. I would send them private messages telling them about our safe space. One must choose carefully whom to trust when inviting folks from a chat room. The “Owner” of the space will ban anyone who poaches their members. I never saw it as poaching. If someone fits in better elsewhere, that is where they should be. I got banned from Chatzy, but I can still poach in Susan’s.

That chat room died as is the way with chat rooms. The farther along in one’s transition one gets the less they like to be reminded that they are trans.

Then I started writing for Medium. I am always looking for ways to connect with my community. Plus, I thought an article about Discord chat rooms might be interesting to some folks. As it turns out, the fifth time is a charm. I struck gold with this group of transfolks and one ally. I will now give you a teaser to the awesomeness of the people in our Discord chat server. I will talk about some of the folks who gave me permission to write about them. I will present them in alphabetical order, because I love them all equally.

Ali is our resident hippie, deep thinker, deep lover. I always look forward to hearing from her. She is going through some stuff now, as transfolks often do. If you need picking up or some unconditional love, C. Allison Lane (Ali🌹) is your girl. Now just beware that Ali has little time for nonsense and will call you out if need be. You’ll see a rose at the end of a comment that she likes. That always feels nice. Ali is what we affectionately call a lurker. She is frequently silent, just reading along and dropping roses on folks. When she speaks it is substantial. I love you, Ali.

Bree is our resident encyclopedia. She is affectionately known as Breetanica, for her vast knowledge. Bree will write a book on a topic, and instead of being TL;DR , most of us eat it up with a spoon. There is so little data on folks like us. Bree has put the hours and hours it requires to find any meaningful data on our condition. She is a wonderful woman and I have met she and her wife in person. She is giving with her time and her money. She never seems to tire of the constant demands on her time. You can read her very brief posts here locke besse. I love you, Bree.

Christine is someone who I hold up as an example of assimilation. She is involved in women’s groups and has the pictures to back it up. Christine is super smart and so sweet. She knows a ton about what it's like to transition in the workplace. She is an avid cyclist, and she writes for medium under Christine Penn. Do yourself a favor and follow her. I love stories about how she has been to women’s conferences and such. I love you, Christy. (Prolly gonna get yelled at for that one.)

Logan Silkwood is our brother. He is currently our only man in the henhouse. He needs more dudes to talk with. Logan is the toughest of us all. He is so strong, and yet so compassionate. If I need some information about trans masculinity, I hit him up. He is quick to call out insensitive behavior. His moral compass points True North. I rely heavily on him to help me take my jumbled thoughts and make them readable. He is a former English teacher and must cringe each time one of my stories hits his inbox. I love you, Logan.

Jen Waterman is gonna take a little more space than I have here, but I will try. Jen is our tortured artist. She is an amazing, and talented artist. I frequently drop into her art channel to look at her life in paintings. Jen is so giving with her love and her time. I look forward to seeing Jen every day. Jen too is dealing with some stuff, which makes her giving that much more amazing. She will spend hours in private messages consoling folks who need to talk. Jen can be a tad dramatic, and I love that about her. You will likely never meet someone exactly like Jen. She has known about her condition for a very long time. That is a huge burden. Jen is always there with a kind word or a virtual hug. I love you, Jen

Jenny Starr✨ is our spiritual guru. I don’t know as much about Jenny as I want to. I hope to fix that in the near future. What I do know is that she is genius level smart and very talented. Her writing is so passionate. I don’t get as much time with her as I would like because she is so popular. Jenny attracts a crowd when she starts talking. Her outlook on life is so amazing, and I am so lucky to have met her. I love you, Jenny.

Michel Dunlop is one of our newer members. She lives on the other side of the world. New Zealand. Being on the other side of the world makes the timing difficult. She checks in when she can. I am so excited to get to know her much better. She is so nice. Never anything but nice things to say to everyone. She is a bit shy and tends to stay in her channel. She is teaching us about how huge, and sparsely populated New Zealand is.

Nova Grace is our most reserved member of the server. She is a mom and has an important job, so she comes around as often as she can. Everyone always looks forward to positive outlook and stoicism. I usually go to bed when she has the time to talk, so I catch up in the morning. She is so nice. Everyone is so happy that we know her, and that she is sharing her journey with us. I love you, Nova.

💜 Victoria Quinn 💜is our featured attraction. When Tori shows up the party gets started. She has a magnetism that lights up the server. She is what is happening when she shows up. We all want more Tori time. She is a ball of fire. I enjoy my time with her so much. She is a talented writer with a fun and energetic style that is infectious. I will caution you to watch your typing around her, because if you mistype or use an incorrect word, there will be a comment coming. Tori is the big boss of our publication. She is the best boss ever. I love you, Tori.

We have more folks that are members of our server, but I didn’t hear back from them with permission to talk about them.

I designed the server so that everyone gets their own channel. I have found that for the shy folks, having their own space gives them cover to speak.

If you are a transperson who would like to find some folks just like you, then you can join us in Transpiring our Discord server.

Love, Kitty