Why I Don’t Recommend Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

My experience with one and three very important lessons I learned along the way.

I’ve read somewhere the following: emotionally unavailable boys will ruin you. And I could not agree more with that declaration. I thought I could handle it but the next thing I knew is that it was causing me endless pain.

So what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable and what does it imply in a relationship?

In a nutshell, an emotionally unavailable individual is typically someone who is unable or unwilling to emotionally commit to an intimate relationship.

These types of people will often want to keep things casual and undefined in order to avoid dealing with the emotional commitments that characterize a regular serious relationship.

The preceding paragraphs describe my personal involvement and also a few lessons I've learned and mastered. So without further ado, this is why it didn't work out for me.

To start with, evidently, I wasn't aware of it on the first date. It took me about two months and a half (months in which I continuously tried to make things work) to realize that I couldn't make any progress with him. And for the next two weeks, I was thinking about ending things. Here’s what I wish I knew at the time. Lesson one:

1. You will never be good enough for someone that doesn't know what he wants.

You can be the most amazing partner and still it won't make any difference in how they treat you. You can’t make a tree bloom, no matter how hard you try. For the sake of your mental health, you need to accept that we can't change people, we can't fix them or heal them. That's something they need to do on their own. If they are not willing to do so, you can not make the self-growth or self-improvement for them.

This incessantly trying had left me incredibly frustrated and mentally exhausted. I was astonishingly supportive and understanding; exceptionally patient as well. He always had some sort of “emotional wall” between us. He bottled his emotions up. He was never truly vulnerable and intimate with me.

I kept my expectations low. Thinking eventually he would open up, be able to express emotions, and simply be himself. I didn't want to leave him. I believed I could keep him if I played the cool role rather than just admitting that I wanted him to be my one and only. Which brings me to lesson two:

2. Accept your feelings as valid.

We have to learn to say, these are my boundaries, you are not fitting into that, you are not meeting my needs, this is what I want and what I don't want. You are entitled to communicate how you feel. If you’re unhappy with the current situation don’t assume your lover is aware of your feelings. It’s okay to say this is not going to work. It wasn’t gonna work out from the beginning.

Most of the time what ends a relationship was there at the start. We just didn’t pay attention to the red flags. Even before we met he did say he didn’t want a relationship. I thought I wouldn’t want one either. But after a few encounters, I was hooked.

It’s alright if at the beginning you didn’t want a relationship and then, later on, you realize you do want one. This brings me to lesson three:

3. Know that you’re allowed to change your mind.

This obviously started as a no-strings-attached arrangement. I saw it as a non-threatening thing, super carefree, with no expectations whatsoever.

Even if such an arrangement works for you now, it might not work for you in the following weeks or months. And I didn’t change my mind overnight. It was a process. It’s okay to want something more defined, settled, and secured.

I reached the point where I no longer could stand the lack of clarity, the inconsistency, the constant uncertainty. Every day wondering if he really wanted me in his life. At times it felt like things were falling into place or transforming for the better, but shortly after, they turn bad again.

The truth is that relationships aren’t supposed to be that difficult. They should add value to our lives, not the opposite. I hated the idea of not having him in my life, I had invested so much, it made it extremely difficult to let go.

When I was deciding what to do. I read an article about how situationships affect people’s mental health, and it was indeed affecting my mental health. In addition to that, I asked these next questions to myself:

Are you happy? Can you be truly yourself? Do you feel safe? Six months from now if nothing changes would you still be okay in the relationship as is?

I wasn’t feeling attractive nor appreciated or safe and I couldn’t ignore my gut instinct, which was telling me: I don’t feel good here. Something is off. I can’t keep doing this.

Was I supposed to “hang in there” for a few more months while I was unhappy? — Nope.

After deciding to walk away. We talked about this in person. I told him I needed to be on my own. I asked him to just give me space and not contact me.

He always made everything about himself. Always. Which means he could not give me that, in less than a month he was contacting me, asking if we could meet, asking if I had changed my mind, asking why was I doing that if everything was fine before, blah, blah, blah.

He wasn’t respecting my boundaries, and in the beginning, I misinterpreted it. I assumed he was missing me. I assumed he wanted to be with me, for real. Soon I gave in cause I liked him so damn much. However, nothing changed. It was more of the same, actually less than that.

I felt like a fool because even though I tried to leave that situation I was once more there. Every day afraid he will text me, ironic that ended it and it was still hunting me. I didn’t want to hurt him and cut him off again. I feared he would not want to be my friend after all.

On the two occasions I tried to quit it he made it about himself. Implying he was an object to me and that I was getting rid of him. Like he was disposable.

— Stay away from people who act like a victim in a problem they created.

During the months we dated, he was treating me as an option, a second thought. Putting me second, placing me on the back burner. Yet he wanted me to still be there for him, not only that but he was trying to make me feel guilty. I did feel guilty after making my mind up and leaving him.

Always remember with unavailable folks that they can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you. — Natalie Lue

I didn't get the fairy tale happy ending. No, it's not like in the movies. He didn't become the kind of partner I was looking for. He didn’t call me or look for me. He didn't come to my door on an awful rainy day with flowers in his hand and confessed his love. He made no efforts to be with me.

I wrote about dating emotionally unavailable folks because I see this quite often. I see lovely ladies feeling that they are not good enough, or that they can’t get better than an “almost relationship”. Though, that's not the case. Because healthy loving relationships exist. I promise you, they do.

“You deserve a relationship where you are respected, where you are admired and appreciated, where your boundaries, needs, and concerns matter, and are treated as such. Without respect being at the center of your relationship, it won't last. Respect isn't something you can force someone to do, either they respect you or either they don't. And if not, respect yourself enough to walk away.” — Jay Cadet