My ex-wife left me. And then, she tried to control me.

Divorce is an odd thing. You spend years or decades with someone. And then, suddenly, it all comes to an abrupt end.

So abrupt that it feels as though you thought you were going on a nice Sunday afternoon drive, only to have your spouse suddenly turn the steering wheel into a telephone pole. Or a ditch. Or a proverbial f*cking cliff.

(Pick your metaphorical marital cause of death here).

Other times, divorce feels like a slow death. Like that item in your fridge that you know you need to do something with, but you don’t. Until you finally clean out the fridge and see just how moldy that thing is and finally choose to toss it in the trash.

In my case, my divorce encompassed both metaphors. It felt like a sudden death, but looking back, I now realize that my marriage had turned moldy far earlier than I realized at the time.

But regardless of how or why your marriage comes to an end, it’s usually in the midst of divorce that things turn nuclear.

Divorce is bizarre: you go from experiencing the most intimacy you’ve ever experienced with another human being to being Public Enemy Number One in their eyes.

This, of course, isn’t always the case. There are plenty of divorces that aren’t toxic. But mine was so toxic that sometimes I wonder whether I would have been better off being at Chernobyl during its nuclear meltdown.

Of course, that seems like an exaggerated and asinine thing to say. (And it is). But here’s why I chose to employ such an exaggerated and asinine analogy:

When my ex-wife wanted out of the marriage three years ago — for the third time, mind you — I finally decided to let her go.

I had fought long and hard to make the marriage work. But it had become clear that no matter what I did, she was done with it. Over it.

(It just took her years to finally say it, and even more years to finally act on it).

But here’s where things got strange: once I agreed to the divorce and “released” her from the marriage, rather than walking away from me, she tried to control me.

Granted, control is a strong word here. I just don’t know how else to describe it.

1. What would you call it if the woman you spent almost a decade of your life with began using your kids as financial leverage by filing in the divorce paperwork that you could see your kids only Every. Other. Weekend?

2. What would you call it if you offered in mediation to pay for 100% of your kids’ medical expenses — for the rest of their lives — only to have your ex refuse such an offer?

3. What would you call it if your ex tried to dictate whether you could or could not take your kids to church when they were with you?

4. What would you call it if you offered your ex-wife half of your retirement, savings accounts, investment accounts, house value…you name it, only to ask in return that you get to see your kids 50% of the time…only for her to say no.

Long — two year— story short, we ended up in court mandated mediation.

So I did what my attorney advised (since he said that stay-at-home moms usually win in court):

I offered my ex full legal custody and half of all of our assets in exchange for a 50/50 parenting time plan.

She turned it down.

I then offered my ex joint custody in exchange for a 60/40 parenting plan (60% for her, 40% for me).

She turned that down as well.

…

I offered her everything. More than the courts would likely have given her. And yet, she still refused to sign.

My ex not only chose to cheat on me. Not only chose not communicate her feelings. She chose to leave me, but was too scared to cut the umbilical cord.

Dont’ get me wrong. I get it. She was undoubtedly scared. She was a stay-at-home mom after all. She only had a high school diploma. She wanted out of the marriage, but she was scared about what the future would hold for her on the other side.

And while I’m compassionate towards her — because I have no idea what that kind of feeling actually feels like — I still owe it to myself to acknowledge that I was also wounded by her actions.

I wasn’t wounded as much by what my ex did during our marriage. I was more wounded by how she chose to leave the marriage.

Fortunately, I stood my ground. She finally agreed to sign.

She got $150,000 (half of everything).

But in exchange, I got something worth more than that amount: I got joint custody and a 50/50 parenting plan.

Which is how it should be if you ask me.

Divorced partners should get half of EVERYTHING.

Not only finances.

But something even more valuable than finances:

Kids themselves.