Summary

A mother recounts the emotional turmoil of divorcing her abusive husband, only to later discover that he had an affair with her oldest son's girlfriend, leading to deep family rifts and the need for healing and forgiveness.

Abstract

In 2020, amidst the global pandemic, the author decided to proceed with a divorce from her abusive husband, despite the additional stress of the time. Her oldest son, struggling to understand the dynamics of abuse, became estranged from her for two years, believing she was at fault. As she focused on her own healing and creating a welcoming environment for her other children, she inadvertently became aware of her ex-husband's affair with her son's girlfriend, who had been staying at the family home during the pandemic. The revelation, confirmed by her daughter, led to a painful confrontation and the need for the family to navigate complex emotions and establish new boundaries, with the author ultimately finding a way to forgive her ex-husband while her son continues to struggle with the betrayal.

Opinions

The author believes that her decision to divorce was justified due to the abuse and her own unhappiness in the relationship.
She initially tried to explain her reasons for the divorce to her children but later followed her therapist's advice to focus on expressing her love and availability to them.
The author developed a sense of relief and peace as her other children began to spend more time with her, making her new apartment feel like home.
She expresses a deep sense of betrayal and anger towards her ex-husband for the affair, which was compounded by the fact that it took place within the family home and involved her son's girlfriend.
The author acknowledges the emotional toll the affair had on all her children and empathizes with their difficulty in witnessing the relationship between their father and their brother's girlfriend.
She feels validated by her therapist's reaction to the affair, which helped her to not second-guess her decision to leave the marriage.
The author has come to terms with the situation, choosing to forgive her ex-husband for the sake of her own well-being, while recognizing that her oldest son may never forgive him.
She is concerned about her oldest son's mental health and his inability to process the betrayal, which has led to self-destructive behaviors.
The author advocates for open communication and boundaries within the family to move forward without harboring hate.

My Ex Husband Had an Affair with My Son’s Girlfriend

Photo — by Charlotte Knight (@charrosephotography)- unsplash.

In 2020, everyone’s lives and well-being were being tested. Even with that extra stress, I decided I had to divorce that year. I won’t deny that the thought crossed my mind to stay longer when Covid hit but I soon found it impossible to stay. Once I had decided that my marriage was truly over, the only thing I could do was leave.

My oldest son in particular, who lived in NY and far away from the family home, took it the hardest. I tried my best to articulate to my 28-year-old son the dynamics of abuse. I tried to put in words how it had not started that way. How it grew in the many years to be something different than it was in the beginning. How you stay because you love them, you built a life, and your brain wants to believe that the abuse will never happen again.

In the end, my son was so angry at my decision to divorce, that he did not talk to me for 2 years. He believed and was told that I was crazy and that I had a breakdown. Being estranged from my child ripped out a piece of my soul.

I took my therapist’s advice on everything. I stopped trying to explain my rationale for a divorce. I was a grown woman and I was qualified to decide if I was unhappy in a relationship or not. The “children” only needed to know I loved them and that I was there for them. I made home-cooked dinners, worked, and made my apartment cozy and inviting for them. I focused on healing. I sat alone and read a lot. I took walks. I took long baths and I bought a puppy. Often, I cried and drank wine in a hot bath, with my puppy lying beside me. Most importantly, I kept going to my therapist.

Late summer, I knew from my kids that their older brother and his live-in girlfriend of 3 years were coming home. Covid was really bad in NY and they could work from anywhere. They came to live with my ex and I felt relief that they were all together and safe. Even when I was alone.

Around Thanksgiving of that year, my son had to go back to NJ to do some work and settle some things in their apartment. The girlfriend stayed at the house. I remember thinking how very awkward it had to be, to be alone in the house most of the time with only your boyfriend’s dad.

I made plans for Thanksgiving dinner. I was always the one to cook and plan. That year, I invited them all to the apartment for Thanksgiving. My son was gone, and I had children with this man and I wished healing for all of us.

I began to notice that my youngest daughter was spending all her nights at our apartment and my twins were also spending much more time there as well. I felt more peaceful and less lonely, and I loved that the coziness of the apartment was beginning to feel like home to them too.

One day, while discussing Christmas gifts, I mentioned to my daughter that I was planning on buying a name necklace for my son’s girlfriend, just like the one I was also getting my daughter. We had been driving around after a nice dinner and shopping and all felt well in the world that day.

My daughter was silent for just a moment, and I turned my head to look deep into her blue, sad eyes. She said, “Please do not buy her a present mom.” I felt numbness and tingling all over my body and a strange buzzing in my ears. Suddenly, it hit me. It had been there, deep inside of me. A deep, hidden feeling, a fear that the world was not right. Yes, I realized I had actually already known.

That feeling. That knowing. That tingling sensation that I know all too well.

BURY IT, my brain demands.

Superpowers I had developed from my childhood years of living with a pedophile somehow always show up for me. Years of practice had given me a faithful box of tools that appeared just when I needed them the most.

https://readmedium.com/i-thought-keeping-secrets-gave-me-super-powers-76790b60736f

I let my daughter tell me as much as she wanted. She told me even before my son left, she felt something was not right. She said she felt weird vibes that at first, she tried to push away.

She remembered vividly a day that my ex made fun of my oldest son for not being “strong.” He had wanted my son to help him carry a couch and he very loudly exclaimed that he should just carry it himself because it was easier. And then he picked up that couch and carried it all the way up the stairs alone. He did this while the girlfriend sat downstairs listening and watching. My daughter said she felt so bad for her brother that she couldn’t look at him. She said it was so cruel and it was just the beginning of future things she would see and hear that sounded cruel, and strange.

She eventually one day walked into the bedroom. My ex and my son’s girlfriend were lying in bed. She had been seeing signs for over a month that things were just not normal. Her father and her brother’s girlfriend were watching movies together, going to lunch, and out skating. One day they even showed up at the restaurant where she worked to have a meal together. She had been embarrassed because another friend/waitress said in disbelief, “Isn’t that your dad with your brother’s girlfriend?”

She was having to hide all this inside. I felt so sorry for all of them. All of my children. Having to see that relationship grow inside their family home. Their father pretended like this was just normal behavior. Their brother had just left. He still called them. Pretend, pretend, pretend. I knew from experience how sick pretending could actually make people.

I helped my daughter get all her stuff out of that house because she didn’t want to go alone. Extreme anger hit me as I walked in, seeing a picture still hung of my son with his girlfriend in NY at central park. I had taken that picture when my ex and I visited them in NY the year before. Anger boiled inside of me. I attached a note to the picture. Tell him or I will.

I had an emergency session with my therapist that week. I didn’t even get all the details out when my therapist gasped on my computer screen. She had guessed what I was about to say. I had never really seen my therapist show such raw emotion. I’m pretty sure it had not been intentional.

She said to me, “I had no idea he was this malignant.”

I don’t think she meant to share that with me, but it remains the one occasion that I can think of where I felt validated. It didn’t make me feel any better, it made me sad. I make myself go back to this moment in my head when I think I should not have left.

My ex’s affair with my son’s girlfriend destroyed so many of our thoughts and feelings about life in general. All of us suffered from this affair. I do believe affairs always happen for a reason. I believe that some hidden behaviors/thoughts and feelings might never surface if an affair had not happened. So much of our stories lie in our childhoods and in our subconscious behavior.

I do not feel about my ex now the way I did then. I can hang out on holidays and even birthdays with him and our children. Two years have allowed me time to understand I can forgive but never forget. I do not function well with hate. I just get sick when I try to hold on to it. I feel very sad for him some days honestly.

My oldest son does not feel the same. He now talks to me, but will not come near his father. I drove to him in NY when my youngest daughter finally called him and told him the truth. None of us could stand the secrets any longer. I was worried and he was suicidal. It felt strange at first because we had not talked in years. I wanted to talk with him, but I never wanted it to be because of so much pain that brought him back.

He is still not well. I believe all this hate, is hurting him in the worst way. He is so angry all the time, drinking too much and smoking pot to numb himself. He only went to therapy a few times. He believes his entire family picked his father over him because he demanded that we have nothing to do with him. My children and I have developed more boundaries. I feel we openly communicate our feelings more now. We all decided we could not hate for him to prove our love. I wish more than anything, one day he can heal and trust again.