MENTAL HEALTH | SELF-COMPASSION | DEPRESSION | SELF
My Emotional Self-Flagellation Is Pissing Me Off
What is it and how do we combat this with self-compassion?
What I’m about to admit to the whole of the Medium readership I’ve only told three people in my very, very long thirty-six-year affair with life.
It’s just millions of people—no big deal.
More like ten people will read this, I’m sure. Hi Mom!
Still, it’s scary to thoroughly open yourself up to even the kindest feedback. Alas, I have made a habit of sharing my vulnerabilities with you so far, so why stop now?!
What Is Self-Flagellation?
In a genuinely rebellious move against all my former English Lit. Professors, I consulted Wikipedia, and it defines this as
“The disciplinary and detrimental practice of flogging oneself with whips or other instruments that inflict pain.”
Most widely known in a religious context, the main objective of physical self-flagellation is to show remorse for sin. So, you did this awful thing; it’s time to beat yourself for it.
Emotional self-flagellation is the only way for me to adequately describe how I punish myself for my perceived sins or shortcomings.
As I talked to a friend about this, I explained that I sometimes feel like a football player. In the middle of a game, another player tackles me, and my right leg gets broken. Instead of asking for help, I turn around and break my left leg to punish myself for letting my right one break.
It seems pretty bat-shit crazy, right? That’s because it is. No rational person would do this, yet I find myself doing precisely that, only in an emotionally and mentally abusive way. I’m not going to whip myself y’all. I’m not that kinky.
Wait, what were we talking about?
My Confession
Ah yes, so my confession. When my depression is being a particularly unbearable bitch, and I’m struggling to get out of bed, this is when my self-punishment rears its ugly head. I realized this recently as I debated whether to stay in bed to accomplish nothing or move to the couch to do nothing.
I noticed I was thirsty and hadn’t had had any water all day. It was 2 pm, y’all.
“Okay, Roxy, get up and just get some water,” I lovingly told myself. I tried to say to myself, at least.
“You don’t deserve water,” said the bitch named depression.
Who invited her to the party, much less to have a seat at my mental table?
You don’t deserve water.
Who says that to themselves?
You don’t deserve water.
These thoughts started racing, and I knew I would never tell anyone because it was fucked up. I had startled myself into realizing I punished myself for feeling down. I punish myself for not reaching my perceived goals. I punish myself for losing patience with my children.
Mostly, I find ways to punish myself for not being able to handle anything and everything that comes my way.
I am perpetually breaking one leg because I broke the other.
Is it effective?
As I’ve explored this topic, I’ve learned others do this too, just differently. Some carry around guilt because they perceive they deserve to hold that weight for the rest of their lives. Some will deny themselves necessities as I do. Some will even go as far as to inflict physical harm upon themselves.
Whichever way it manifests itself, we do it because we have decided we deserve it.
The truth is, we do not.
You do not.
I do not.
It’s an entirely self-destructive but also counterproductive way to handle ourselves. Do you think I tell myself I don’t deserve water and then jump up and run a mile, knock out a work project, and cuddle my children?
Of course, I don’t because I ensure that when I’m down, I fucking stay there because I deserve it.
I’m feeding this self-hate machine that ensures I’m entirely ineffective.
Self-Compassion
In my research on this topic, this phrase popped up repeatedly. Plainly stated, self-compassion is accepting your flaws and failures as part of the growing process and allowing space to forgive yourself.
If you have a very concrete outlook on life as I do, this feels a bit hippie?
Newfangled.
New aged.
You’d swear I was 97 years old, right?
I have to eventually decide to embrace myself and break these toxic thought patterns. My failures and missteps do not define me, and yours do not represent you. For some, this is easy. For others, this is something we will have to write on our bathroom mirrors and say aloud while brushing our teeth.
I will have to continuously seek resources outside myself because I have realized I am shitty at gauging what I do and do not deserve.
Medium has a plethora of knowledge and a few articles stuck out to me as concise and helpful. If we are similar, you want action items, just as I do.
I don’t want to hear a weather report. I want to be the tornado.
Jen Vertanen | Midlife Mentor + Coach wrote an article on self-compassion a hard-core realist like me can embrace. Her advice is something I can pick up and put into practice immediately. The guidance in her article allows me to be the tornado. You can find these action items here.
I also found an article by Anna Holtzman on affirmations and how to learn from them. I’m not sure I can ever talk to myself in the mirror daily, but this experiment seems worth it. The information I get back from it will help me shape my self-compassion plan. You can check out her advice here.
What’s Next?
If you fall into any of these self-destructive thought processes, I hope you can find some value in this article. If even to know, you aren’t alone. You’re never alone.
The fact that I’ve typed self-compassion this many times without rolling my eyes tells me I’m ready to be out of this hellacious football game with two broken legs.
I have to go. It’s time for me to get up and refill my glass of water.
Thank you for taking the time to read! If you enjoyed this, check out my collection of articles that tackle various mental health topics below:
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