My Elderly Mom Is Killing Me

Caring for both a child and a parent is really stressful

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from my mom’s phone number. It was her good friend Carla on the line. This can mean only one thing. Something has happened to mom. Sure enough, Carla was calling to tell me that mom had been admitted to the hospital and she really wanted me to come see her. This is not the first time this has happened and it probably won’t be the last, but I felt my chest begin to tighten none-the-less. I live 1,000 miles away.

Carla gave my mom’s phone number at the hospital and I promised to call her as soon as we hung up. I also asked Carla if she would help me talk to my mom about moving into a retirement home; someplace where she could have somebody help look after her at times like these because as much as I want to be with her and help take care of her, it’s really hard on me and the rest of my family to have to drop everything when she’s ill and run up there. Many times it’s been hard on my friends as well because they have often had to pitch in and help hold down the fort while I’m away.

You see, I’ve already got an adult child who can’t be left alone, and now I’ve got a dog who can’t be left alone as well — Lars, a former street dog who has a lot of separation anxiety. At least my husband James has recently retired, so it’s exponentially easier than it used to be to cover the bases if I have to leave town for several days on short notice, but it still inconveniences a lot of people who all have to pitch in and go above and beyond what they normally do in order to accommodate this. I also have to rework my client schedule as well as other appointments.

I don’t begrudge mom for having health issues. She’s well into her 80s and it’s to be expected. The problem is the fact that when this started to happen more regularly she refused to move closer to me. My mother is the last of my very small family of origin. Both my father and brother died many years ago, and neither she nor my dad had siblings who had children. As far as family goes, I’m it. But she doesn’t want to leave her house or her circle of friends. And although I understand and have sympathy for this, it’s making my life really difficult.

When mom last visited two years ago, she had a major health crisis while she was here and she ended up extending her visit for 2 months while I helped her to recover. I begged her at that time to move here. There is a beautiful and pretty reasonably priced progressive care place right up the street. She could have her own apartment and still have a lot of help, but most importantly, she could be nearby so that I could help her if she had something come up where she needed more support. When she is ready for full assisted living, she can seamlessly move into that, as well as full care if that should be needed. I could see mom twice a week instead of twice a year and she could spend a lot more time with her only grandchild, my son, whom she rarely ever sees anymore.

Mom doesn’t want to do any of that. She doesn’t even want to move into a similar facility up where she lives, where she could still see her friends and have a lot of the same life she’s always had. I think she believes that if she gives up her home, it’s all downhill from there. Once again, I have sympathy for that, but her refusal to grapple with all of this is killing me. I’m torn between a special needs son who needs a lot of my time and care and an elderly mom who wants a lot of my time and care. I’d like nothing more than to be able to do both but trying to manage that over 1,000 miles is really tough and takes a lot out of me.

I feel like I am at the mercy of these episodes because as James pointed out, she has too much fear in play to be able to talk logically and rationally about the situation. The only thing I really can do is to go see her and make the best of things while I’m there. She does have someone who lives with her and helps out at night, but this woman has other jobs during the day.

Last such visit I did get mom a Life Alert type device so that if she’s home alone and needs help, she can call and get it. Her neighbors are all very close to each other and they have helped her quite a bit in the last several years, but it’s not the same as having family be really hands-on. I want to do that. It’s just hard to do from 1,000 miles away.

In the meantime, my son and my dog (who is imprinted on me like a baby duckling) will be upset and missing me, and my husband will be having to juggle it all alone. Oh, did I mention that we just started remodeling our kitchen and are still at the “gaping hole in the middle of the house” stage, so food is getting fixed in a kind of make-shift camp kitchen in the laundry room? I’m very grateful to James for being so supportive through all of this and for taking over everything here so that I can go, but this sandwich generation stuff is really, really stressful.

Edit: I was about to leave for the airport and my mom called to say that the doctor says she can’t go home, that she has to go to medical rehab instead and I should come later. We had talked about how she should probably do that yesterday and she insisted she was going home, so I bought a plane ticket. I know it’s not intentional, but I feel like I’m constantly being jerked around, with little thought given to how any of this impacts me or my life. My crying upsets my son, and so I’m not even allowed to feel what I’m feeling. At least it’s a beautiful Fall day and I don’t have to go anywhere — at least not today.