My Eating Disorder Self Staked its Claim on My Brain

Summary

The author recounts their personal struggle with an eating disorder, the impact on their life, and the eventual decision to reclaim their mental space and embrace a healthy self.

Abstract

The author describes how their eating disorder took over their thoughts and life, overshadowing their dreams and creativity. They reflect on the years spent battling the disorder and the toll it took on their ability to be present in life's moments. The catalyst for change came with the loss of their uncle to cancer, contrasting his necessity for nourishment with their own self-imposed restrictions. This led to a decisive goodbye to their eating disorder and a reclamation of their mental space for healthier pursuits. The author encourages others to join them in this journey of reclaiming their minds and celebrates the support received from readers and loved ones.

Opinions

The author views their eating disorder as an invasive presence that occupied their mental space, stifling their ability to dream and think freely.
They express a sense of injustice and confusion about how the disorder was able to establish such a stronghold in their life.
The author acknowledges the disorder's manipulative nature, growing from whispers to overpowering control over their thoughts.
They recognize the preciousness of life's experiences and the regret of not being fully present due to the disorder's distractions.
The author sees their uncle's battle with cancer as a poignant contrast to their own struggle with food, highlighting the absurdity of choosing to restrict nourishment.
They describe the decision to say goodbye to their eating disorder as an act of courage and a reclamation of their true self.
The author values the support of their readers and loved ones, considering them 'angels of encouragement' in their recovery journey.
They advocate for the active reclamation of one's mental space from any destructive forces, suggesting it should not take a personal loss to initiate this process.
The author promotes Medium membership as a way to support their writing and the broader writing community.
They express gratitude towards their family, particularly their brother Bryan Hauer, for their support and invite readers to explore his work as well.

I needed to reclaim my headspace, not lose my mind.

My Eating Disorder Self jammed a post deep down in the most valuable space and staked its claim. As an 11-year-old, I wondered who permitted that space to be claimed by anyone other than me? Is this permanent? Why won’t it pack up and move, no longer welcome here?

This space once held my dreams, ideas, curiosities, even fears and struggles where they had the freedom to roam.

Imagination, creativity, and problem solving used this vast space to fly beyond the borders in my mind. I was once still to listen and observe God’s mighty presence within and all around me. He was limitless, caring for my needs.

Agitation lay waste to my previous stillness. The ceaseless negative hints and whispers grew in size and depth throughout the years. They manipulated volume and strength with yells and groans of disgust and dismay.

My other mind space available was only allowed temporary use and had a huge responsibility.

I was barely noticing and half-focusing on all my other activities and life experiences. I attempted to convince my distracted mind that these were precious moments and worth being present. Remembering the details would prove nearly impossible. The rules and obsessions with negligible food and my distorted image of an immensely flawed body stole the beauty of family life.

All my sacrifices, losses, and missed opportunities for 36 years finally ended with two immensely different goodbyes.

As my Uncle suffered through his last months of esophageal cancer, he could not swallow solid food, and liquids were excruciatingly painful. His body was crying out to be fed and nourished for his survival, yet I had been actively choosing to restrict my food and life source for decades. In my last conversations with my Uncle, he showed his courage with jokes and memories that left us both laughing. Goodbye to my dear beloved Uncle.

With the tiny amount of healthy brain space left in me, I chose to live when others could not.

I was ready to put a stake in my brain’s real estate and reclaim all the lost space. I penned a goodbye letter to my Eating Disorder Self for all its destruction, misguided protection, and good riddance to my old ED tenant. Demolition to the fractured foundation and broken structures my mind had pieced together as memories.

Welcome back my Healthy Self to this precious space with new soil of hope, love, and laughter. I started building joyful paths connecting all the vast areas in my mind through new experiences, tastes, sights, sounds, and supportive touches from loved ones. I can now see them as my angels of encouragement, no longer judging in my error to condemn my body and soul.

My Eating Disorder Self Staked its Claim on My Brain

I needed to reclaim my headspace, not lose my mind.

This space once held my dreams, ideas, curiosities, even fears and struggles where they had the freedom to roam.

My other mind space available was only allowed temporary use and had a huge responsibility.

All my sacrifices, losses, and missed opportunities for 36 years finally ended with two immensely different goodbyes.

With the tiny amount of healthy brain space left in me, I chose to live when others could not.

Have you ever felt and fought that claim over you?

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