Summary

The website content details the personal journey of a Finnish boxer coming out as gay and later identifying as pansexual, navigating LGBTQ+ awareness in sports, and reflecting on the fluidity of sexuality and gender identity.

Abstract

The narrative is a deeply personal account of the author's experience with their sexual identity. Initially coming out as gay at the age of 20, the author, who is also a competitive boxer, faced challenges within the sports community, particularly when showing affection for their girlfriend in public. Despite the pressures to conform, the author refused to hide their relationship. Later, the author fell in love with a man, leading to a second coming out, this time as pansexual, which they felt was a more accurate description of their attraction regardless of gender. The story touches on the struggles with belonging and the pain of societal phobias towards the LGBTQ+ community, while also celebrating the freedom to love and be oneself. The author is now married and traveling the world, advocating for acceptance and understanding.

Opinions

The author believes in the importance of being true to oneself, even in the face of potential discrimination in professional sports.
There is an opinion that labels within the LGBTQ+ community can be both limiting and comforting, as the author initially felt a strong sense of belonging as gay but later identified more with being pansexual.
The author expresses that societal judgment and phobias against the LGBTQ+ community are hurtful and should be addressed for the betterment of society.
The author values the freedom to love without constraints and champions the idea that love transcends gender.
There is a sense of hope and pride in the author's narrative, advocating for continued progress in LGBTQ+ rights and acceptance.

My Double Coming Out Story

Finding Pansexual Pride

“M om, I have something to tell you” I felt how my body started to shake after saying it out loud. Secretly I wished she would be too busy and not have time.

“Yes what is it?” She replied and stood suddenly right in front of me. Why did she come here so fast I wondered. I wished there would be more time to prepare to say what I wanted to say.

I stared down to the floor and hoped that the floor would eat me alive.

I knew it was now or never.

I was 20 years old. All my friends had known since I was 13 years old. I had known since I was 12.

It felt like an eternity that we stood there in silence.

“I’m gay, I have a girlfriend and we will move in together.“ Did I really say it outload? My heart started beating faster.

I couldn’t face my mom’s expression, I didn’t want to see if she looked at me with disgust.

Suddenly I felt her hand on my shoulder, I looked up and saw a smile on her face.

“I know “ she replied. I was shocked to hear that and at the same time felt almost dumb for thinking she hadn’t guessed. I was butch. People took me for a boy more than a girl.

“I love you no matter what” she whispers and we hug.

Life as a fighter

During this time I was boxing on an elite level for the national team of Finland.

I tried to spread LGBTQ+ awareness in some small ways here and there.

My then-girlfriend came with me sometimes when we went on international tournaments.

Naturally, she came to kiss me after a fight. Soon we started to notice that it wasn’t okay.

We heard whispers and soon a trainer on the boxing team told me that we couldn’t kiss or hold hands in public. We had to pretend we were just friends.

He feared that the judges might give my opponents more points if they knew I was gay.

I refused. I realized that being 100% myself and being proud of who I am was more important than being nice to a judge that clearly wasn’t giving points in the right way if they would let my outside life determine my performance in the ring.

One time I came straight from a pride parade and had half of my hair colored in the pride flag colors.

Many said again that I was just asking for trouble. But I saw how others who weren’t as open with their sexuality got hope and felt prouder for who they were.

With my boxing trainers after a comeback fight in Switzerland | Picture by author

In love & coming out again

At 24 years old something happened that I didn’t expect. I met a guy who I fell in love with.

With this guy I saw no gender, there wasn’t any confusion if I was gay, bi or pan. It felt like we knew each other from before. There was a strong connection between us.

We fell in love from the first moment. Even though I did tell him that I am gay.

A few weeks later I felt weirdly enough extremely nervous to tell my parents. Coming out for the second time to them.

I felt scared that they would somehow think I had just been straight all along. Even though I had been with just women for 13 years.

We got engaged after 2 weeks together. Might sound crazy, but for us, both being bipolar and extremely spontaneous it felt so right.

6 years later we are married and have been traveling the world full time together.

Out exploring and having fun together❤ | Picture by author

Struggling with belonging

After a while, I did start to question what my sexuality was. A part of me felt like I missed being completely gay.

I felt like I had belonged so long to one category in the LGBTQIA+ family and now I felt like many mistook me for straight or for someone that had just been curious.

I felt like I wasn’t gay enough in the beginning to be a part of the rainbow family. It hurt, I felt alone and misunderstood.

I felt like the category Bisexual didn’t completely describe me either.

Pansexual feels more right. I would describe it as I don’t get attracted just by the person’s gender, I’m gender blind, it’s the person who I fall for.

I myself feel gender fluent. I have days where I feel more like a guy, some like a woman, and most days nonbinary.

All of this taught me to not be too focused on one label or one box. I have the freedom to be who I am and to love who I love.

That’s what hurts so much. That there’s so much phobia still towards the LGBTQIA+ family. I hope that things will continue to get better. Because we all deserve to be exactly who we are and to love whoever we love without judgment.

Thank you for reading my story. I wish you a great rainbow life day, you’re not alone ❤

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