My Dog The Fluffer *
It happens every time my wife and I have a guest at the house. A male guest.
I was at work.
When I came home he was there.
I had no idea upon my arrival that night there would be a new family member; much less one who would greet me so enthusiastically, jumping up, wriggling with excitement.
My kids: Please say it's okay for RINGO to stay — — pleeeease!
The decision was never mine to make. I sensed that if I were to be negative on the adoption of this gregariously friendly dog, I’d be the one back in the shelter tomorrow and not him.
There were two stories on how he acquired the name of the famous Beatles drummer.
- Kids version: He wagged his tail so strongly, if he was close to a wall or any other hard surface, his swinging appendage would beat drum-like on the surface
- Wife’s version (based on the information given by the shelter). He was abused by his former owner. His hard-hearted ex-master had a choke collar on the poor guy and kept it so tight that it wore a hairless ring around the dog’s neck.
Either one or neither one; we were always uncertain about the true derivation of his name.
This was my first experience as a dog owner. I had always been partial to cats.
The family was able to delight in Ringo’s idiosyncratic, gleeful life for some 10 years. He was with us until the kids had graduated college and they were out on their own. By then, my wife and I were divorced, and I was out on my own too.
When Matt, our youngest, left for college, it was just Ringo and me. By the time Matt graduated from Tulane, it was just me.
We all have sweet memories.
I never grew to be a dog lover, but I did become a Ringo lover. I never want to forget how devoted he was to the kids and how they were attached to him.
He had lots of non-cat habits — him being a dog.
Like all life, he was confined by the limits of his species.
He did the best he could.
One particular practice he seemed to enjoy that I had never been able to understand was his attraction to throwing his four legs over a human’s and proceeding to rub his penis up and down the chosen one’s shin.
Why’s that?
I’ve Googled it a few times and get a different reason for every Google.
With Ringo, however, he confined his canine amorous attention to males.
Was he gay?
During parties, dinner gatherings, holiday feasts, any place there was a seated male present, Ringo was sure to be there doing his thing to the delight of my preteen kids, my vexation, and my wife’s chagrin.
My business partner,Brooks, hadn’t been over with his wife, Harriett, in a while.
They’d had us for dinner any number of times and we owed them.
My wife, more than just a good cook — a domestic chef, was whipping up something wonderful by the smell of it.
Brooks and I were in the den solving the world’s problems.
In a burst of exuberance Ringo came bounding into the room and introduced himself to Brooks in his usual way; doing a two “leg over” and started humping.
Brooks, when Harriett wasn’t around, was always one to maintain his cool explained, “I always have this effect on women,”
He was trying his best to concentrate on our conversation about derivatives.
Bear in mind, Ringo is a medium to large sized dog, weighing in close to 80 pounds. His affection is hard to ignore, especially with the accompanying drool.
Sorry Brooks, if human sex was like this, the human species would have been extinct thousands of years ago.
Instead of trying to pry Ringo off Brook’s leg, as is my usual practice in situations like this, I pulled no punches.
“Ringo is a male Brooks,” I revealed.
Didn’t miss a beat, Brooks said, “Oh, it must be my cologne.”
*Definition of fluffer: In the pornographic film industry: a person employed to stimulate a male actor to ensure that he has an erection when required. Usually another male.
(Source) Dictionary. com
