My Dog is a Mastermind

Using Machiavellian Tactics and Getting Her Way

I love my dog. For those that have dogs, you might even agree, they are awesome. When you come home at night, they smile, are excited, even lick your face. When you walk them, they are playful, happy, and full of life. When they want something, they will use every trick in the book to get the way. This story is one of the ways that dogs rule your house … and your world.

It’s around 7:00. I am cleaning up after dinner, putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher, pressing a few buttons, then the dishwasher roars to life. I am feeling a little tired, so I sit down in a living room chair. As I do this, the dog sees me, stands up, and heads to the front door. I know that that means, time for a walk. So, putting on my coat, affix the leash to her collar, ensuring I have dog bags, which might now be what you think.

Note to reader: people use the term “dog bags” or “doggie bags” as to how you get the remains of your food from a restaurant to take it home. This is not the case! “Dog bags”, for those who do not have dogs, are the small plastic bags that carry the … remains (after all this post is “Rated G”) of the dog to the trashcan. In this story, that’s what I mean, as I might mention in another story, “My wife and I got doggie bags and put them in the refrigerator.” Have we squared away on this? Thank you. Let me continue …

With dog bags in hand, I close the door behind me, and we start on our walk. We walked a few steps outside, but nothing happened. Fact is, as we are about to turn the corner in the neighborhood, she simply stops, looks at me, shakes her head from left to right, turns around, and walks home. Ok? Why did that attitude change?

We entered the door, I give her a treat, take off her leash, and she takes off … to sit in my chair! Oh, I get it now. She saw me sitting in the chair and decided to do something about it! She stood by the door, knowing that I was going to get up and walk her, so she could take my spot! Clever! Just like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park (the original one … maybe the sequel movies as well).

The next night, I clean the dishes and sit in my chair. The dog sees me and walks to the door. Ah, I know what she is doing! I sat in the chair.

My wife passes the front door and sees the dog. She says, “I think she is ready for a walk.”

I reply, “She is only doing this so she can get my spot.”

“Are you serious? She is a dog! She needs to go to the bathroom.”

She looks down at the floor and says, “Correction, she has gone to the bathroom so not only do you need to walk her, but you better clean up … the remains!”

Bottom line: Dogs are very smart and don’t underestimate them. Sure, they look cute and like to play, but they have been around for thousands of years, and know exactly what to do to get their way.

Please support the writers of Medium by getting a membership. Thank you!