My Doctor Told Me to Meditate — I Masturbated Instead

Same results. Better process.

I felt completely defeated.

It wasn’t the first time a doctor’s appointment ended in disappointment, but this one left me feeling hopeless.

I’d been seeing a new doctor to get some help dealing with my hormonal imbalances. She had me slowly adjusting the dosage on the medication I took. I was seeing improvements, but I still felt miserable.

Every day was the same. I woke up fatigued even though I slept more than eight hours.

I started the day with brain fog and I just got cloudier and cloudier as the day wore on.

And I basically spend 24 hours a day buzzing with anxiety.

I was hoping she would adjust my medication a little more quickly. Maybe switch one out for a more effective alternative. Anything.

Well, anything but what she recommended.

“I really think you should try meditating.”

Great. A prescription I couldn’t follow. Just what I needed.

Hi, I’m Emma and I Can’t Meditate

I’ve tried meditating. I really have. But I just can’t.

Can I just sit there and do fuck all? Yup. I do that more often than I’m proud to admit.

Can I just chill? Sort of.

But I can’t let my mind go blank. I can’t keep it focused. I can’t adjust my mindset.

I’ve tried meditating often. It’s something I keep returning to. I’m sure anyone who deals with anxiety has done the same.

I tried meditating in complete silence.

I tried meditating to the sound of soft, calming music.

I tried all sorts of guided meditation through video and audio recordings.

I can never get out of my head long enough to even relax.

As soon as I sit or lay quietly, my mind wanders to its darkest corners.

If I’m lucky, I’ll just obsess over all the things I have to do during the week. Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about the guilt I feel for meditating instead of doing something more productive.

But more often than not, I ruminate. I start scrolling through a playlist of all the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done or have happened to me, and I emerge from the whole thing feeling unsettled.

No matter what I try, I can’t shut it off.

I should’ve said all that to my doctor, but I didn’t. I smiled and told her I’d try it, knowing full well I wouldn’t.

She explained that my symptoms were caused by hormonal imbalances, but they were exacerbated by stress. There’s really no way to escape stress when I have four young children to care for, so meditation is my best option.

“Well,” I thought, “if it’s stress relief I need, there have to be other ways of getting it.”

Masturbating My Way to Mental Health

I already did one thing to help me deal with stress. I vape cannabis and take edibles every day.

It works. It helps me relax. It helps me sleep. It improves my mood. It even allows me to have stronger orgasms.

But no matter how much weed I have, it’s never enough to make me feel like I’ve been cured, not even close. In fact, if I do too much, I get way too fucked up and instead of feeling better I end up feeling a different kind of worse.

I figured by spending a lot of time in bed and regularly consuming cannabis, I was doing just about everything I could for my stress levels.

But I was oh so very wrong.

Soon after my doctor tried to get me to meditate, I noticed a distinct pattern in my sleep. On the nights I had sex, I fell asleep easier, was less restless throughout the night, and woke up feeling better.

I tried having sex every night to see if it could improve my sleep. It did, but it turns out that fucking is like weed — too much of it ruins me.

So, I gave my husband a break and tested out a new theory: it’s not the sex I need, it’s the orgasm.

I took care of my own business by jilling off until I had a strong orgasm (I don’t mess with the weak ones, they’re just appetizers for the real deal), had a decent sleep, and woke up feeling better.

For a few weeks, I had sex or masturbated every day to improve my sleep.

It didn’t just help with insomnia, though. I started feeling my brain fog lifting a little. I felt more energized. My anxiety was toned down.

I felt calmer and happier. I was more patient with my children. My self-doubt wasn’t so pronounced.

I was a whole hell of a lot less stressed.

My doctor was right. I still struggle with the symptoms of my chronic health issues, but they’re more manageable.

I really did need some stress relief. I just wish she had told me I could get it through sexual release.

I Have to Get Off — Doctor’s Orders

Getting off every day sounds fun (and it is!) but it does have its challenges.

The biggest one is desire. I don’t need to be as horny for masturbation as I do for sex. But I still need something.

Having a strong orgasm every day left me too satisfied. I had trouble getting myself to want it.

Watching porn worked for a while, but eventually I got desensitized. After using porn to get myself in the mood for a few days in a row, I just couldn’t get turned on by the parade of people stripping, stroking, sucking, and fucking.

My libido was so low that porn didn’t just stop working, it lost its appeal entirely. When I’m not horny, most of the thumbnails look gross, not enticing. And for some reason I started to notice just how much foot stuff was on Pornhub (not my jam, but clearly there’s a healthy demand for it).

I just couldn’t figure out a way to get aroused. I could’ve tried buying myself flowers, but I would’ve seen right through my intentions.

So, I took a break. I figured one day off is all I’d need to recharge my libido.

That was a mistake.

I woke up the next morning feeling awful. My brain fog was back with a vengeance. Anxiety consumed my day. I even noticed my confidence dropping.

I did fuck all that day. Not because I was chill but because I was too tired to do anything productive.

So, now I knew for sure. I need a daily dose of those stress-relieving hormones my body releases during an orgasm or my health suffers.

Jilling off when I’m not feeling horny is still a challenge, but it’s not the worst pill I’ve had to swallow.

Doing My Best

I’m still trying to meditate. I figure if cannabis and masturbation have improved my health, throwing meditation on top of that should make me feel even better.

But I just can’t. I still ruminate, get full of anxiety, and emerge from it feeling worse. It’s supposed to alleviate stress but it just makes me feel ill at ease.

So, for now, I’ll just keep getting high and playing with my vibrators.

My doctor had prescribed meditation. I tried masturbating instead and it worked even better.

But I don’t think I’ll ever have the nerve to tell my her about it. I just hope her other patients can figure it out on their own.

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