My Divorce Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

It was like a fairy tale when we eloped. It was done in secret, because we were in our early 20’s and broke. We thought we’d tell everyone once we got our finances in order. Then guilt seeped in and I finally told my family.

At the time it seemed like we were two creatives drawn to one another. A true love meant to be.

In reality, it was doomed from the start. How? Because I overlooked the red flags.

What red flags? When he told me he could beat me up if I argued with him. The reality of him roughly squeezing my wrist if I annoyed him even mildly. Those things escalated later.

Hindsight is 20/20. Picture perfect doesn’t mean perfect in real life.

Fast forward to a few years into the marriage. We were going to an Evangelical church at the time. Yes, that kind of church.

Despite how modern that denomination can seem, it’s rife with the usual misogynistic messages and homophobia. Don’t tell me that’s not in The Bible, because I’ve read it three times from front to back.

He wanted kids. I didn’t.

Gender roles became a prevalent sermon topic when they hadn’t ever been mentioned before. How interesting! Just as I started writing novels and graduated with a fresh new college diploma I was expected to have children.

Life gets complicated if you don’t want kids and you’re married to someone who does.

“Dreamers are the most dangerous people in this world,” the pastor said.

This was days after I posted a poem titled Dreamer.

As I was winding up and chasing my passions — fitness, fashion, writing, travel, publishing — my husband was winding down.

We were incompatible.

I wanted out, but it took me a year to get the confidence to leave. At first, I didn’t have anyone’s support. Some people think once you’re married you’re supposed to stay married.

Even then I knew my life was meant to be happy, not miserable, so finally I decided to leave of my own accord. It helped that I had people believe in me — my college teachers, mainly. I was a person to them, not a handmaiden.

I was lucky to gain my family’s support when I did finally decide to leave. They’d seen enough of his behaviour (he couldn’t keep his mask on forever) to know why I wanted to go.

The first night I left, it was difficult. I didn’t regret leaving him, but I felt bad at the same time. He didn’t seem to believe I would actually leave.

The pastor did his best to convince me to stay at the church even after the separation took place. When he knew that he was losing his hold over me, he had to nail me with the “There’s a demon on you!” statement.

Looking at that older “man of God” calmly as he threw a mini tantrum was satisfying, but beneath that was happiness that I was going to be free of people who didn’t care a wit about my dreams.

The right one will add to your life, not take away from it.

The week after the separation, I felt like a new woman. For the first time in my life, I could be myself and do what I wanted. It was freeing. I didn’t ever have that kind of freedom before.

There was much for me to learn. I’d make mistakes. I had trauma to work through. I had cognitive distortions up the wazoo. But I was free to learn all those things.

At first, I went to other churches with an open mind, excited to connect with new people and a less controlling pastor only to realize they all held similar beliefs. Of course they do. They all believe in The Bible.

Everything I experienced after deconverting was so vivid, beautiful, heart breaking, and intense.

Life takes on a new meaning when you know it only comes once. Everything is more beautiful when you escape a life that would have ruined you.

This is why I value the west coast so much. It’s where I truly became me.

I got there by myself, I survived the hardships by myself, and I built a dream life by myself.

Sure, dating can be hard. Life is expensive on one income. But being stuck with someone I don’t love or share values with is 1,000 times harder.

I’ll take being single for the rest of my life over being with someone who doesn’t love me or care about my happiness. That’s what I want for others: For them to be their true selves and to be happy.

This is why I say there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. By myself I’m in good company. With the wrong person I’m very much alone.

Thank you for reading today!