The Conflicting Desperate Need To Connect and Avoid Connection
It seems like there must be a simple solution to loneliness. People that are feeling lonely should be given opportunities to connect. Loneliness is a social pain that leaves an unanswered need to belong that connection is the solution.
We do know that online video-conferencing has proven an effective solution for some during the last year. Simply providing opportunities for people to connect could be an over-simplified solution to a much larger issue.
I know however, on a personal level, that loneliness carries its own momentum. The longer that I stay away from people the longer it takes for me to find the will and opportunity to reconnect. I have several friends who have told me they have experienced the same thing.
We are all feeling the same. A desperate need to connect and a desperate need to avoid connection.
There is a social expectation that prevails. That loneliness is an emotion that we will all experience. It’s dismissed as a passing emotion. What we know though is that loneliness is in of itself an epidemic. Cacioppo et al. in their study of the evolutionary theory defined loneliness as “perceived isolation”. A response to our biologically inherent instincts to survive.
We, as evolved human beings, instinctively recognize the high risks associated with social isolation. In another article, Cacioppo et al. explained that this perceived isolation was the difference between an individual’s preferred and actual human connection. This addresses why people may not objectively be experiencing social isolation but subjectively lonely.
Connecting with people after spending a year away from people during the pandemic has felt especially difficult. Even as part of a connected little family island of five I felt perpetually lonely.
I have felt incredibly guilty about it too because I still felt lonely even though I have my little family and a close relationship with my husband. We had single friends, living alone, who didn’t have the luxury of the intimate relationship I did.
The realization that loneliness is subjective and can exist on three levels — intimate loneliness, relational loneliness and collective loneliness — helped ease the guilt.
Cacioppo, Grippo, and Cacioppo explain that following the three main spaces where people form relationships, there are three dimensions for loneliness.
- Intimate loneliness results from perceived absence or disconnect from someone who offers key emotional support, assistance, and affirmation. i.e. romantic partners and confidantes.
- Relational loneliness results from the perceived absence of relationships in the social space. i.e. quality friendships or family relationships.
- Collective loneliness results from a perceived absence or disconnect to our public space. i.e. wider community groups or teams.
Individuals who have experienced, or who are experiencing, loneliness are less likely to pursue opportunities to connect. Dr. Michelle H Lim found that people experiencing loneliness are more inclined to avoid or shy away from establishing or re-establishing social connections.
Fear of rejection is a major factor in why individuals are less likely to seek out opportunities to connect socially with others.
We know from FMRI studies that social rejection triggers a response in the same part of the brain as physical pain. Loneliness because of rejection extends that pain.
Cacioppo, Grippo, and Cacioppo found that individuals who are experiencing loneliness have to then overcome these existing biases to be able to take part in social experiences. These experiences bring the ever-echoing self deafening thoughts that leave a person immobile. These biases are often created from memories or the expectation that they will be hurt/rejected or from skewed social expectations presented by culture and social media. This is where cognitive-behavioral therapy can be effective, as it can address these expectations.
Even with some restrictions easing I inherently know that I need to connect with others, but I feel overly cautious about it. What if I am intruding on others’ lives? What they don’t want to see me? They might feel uncomfortable or have ‘moved on’. It leaves me immobile and unsure what to do. If I wasn’t a parent to two little people who missed their friends so incredibly I might not have done anything.
It feels artificial sometimes. I make a list of people who I should call or text and then mechanically work my way down the list. If they don’t respond to my text or pick up the phone or chat I immediately feel the painful rejection. I then have to convince myself that they have their own lives and reasons for not picking up the phone or texting. I move onto the next person and the next. Almost afraid that I am making the problem worse. That I am alienating the very people I want to connect with by ‘bothering’ them.
What is encouraging for me though is that there are lots of other people tell me that they are feeling the same. This is what sparked this series of articles. The need to not feel alone in my alone-ness.
The idea that I might not be the only one feeling loneliness helped me feel not so lonely and motivates me to do something about it.
References (alphabetical)
Cacioppo, J.T, Cacioppo, S, & Boomsma, D.I (2014) Evolutionary mechanisms for loneliness, Cognition and Emotion, 28:1, 3–21.
Cacioppo, S, Grippo, A.J London,S, Goossens, L, and Cacioppo, J.T (2015). Loneliness: Clinical Import and Interventions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 238–249.
Eisenberger, Lieberman and Williams. (2003). ‘Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion, Science, 302, 290. DOI: 10.1126/science.1089134 https://www.wisebrain.org/papers/RejectionHurt.pdf
Lim, M.H. (2020) Loneliness in the time of COVID-19. InPsych, 42(3).
Seepersad, S. (2014) Depression: Is loneliness just another form of depression? Psychology Today, New York, New York.
