My Depression Was Caused By Undiagnosed ADHD and Autism

Understanding how my brain works has been priceless for my mental health.

I’ve struggled with depression (that was labeled as bipolar disorder for about 15 years) off and on since I was 12. Discovering that I’m AuDHD a couple of years ago has SIGNIFICANTLY improved my symptoms because I finally understand why my brain works the way it does, and I’m able to forgive myself for things that are the result of autism or ADHD rather than the personal failings I thought they were.

Perhaps other people can relate to my story?

Depression and Undiagnosed ADHD

SO MUCH of my depression was tied to feeling like I wasn’t good enough.

Why did I feel like I wasn’t good enough?

Because I “tested well” and was clearly an intelligent child, I was expected to get straight As. Apart from the annoyingly frequent B in gym or art class, I managed okay in elementary school because each topic was interesting enough to keep my brain engaged. (Looking back, elementary school was probably easier for my autism, too, but I’ll get into that more later.)

My problems really started when I hit middle school.

I could absorb some topics easily just by attending class and found homework on those subjects utterly pointless because I didn’t need the extra work to understand what I had been taught in class already.

Other topics, I couldn’t understand no matter how much I studied, and I couldn’t understand WHY. All of my self-worth was tied up in being intelligent, and when my grades started to slip as a result of failing to turn in homework on subjects I liked and failing to do well on tests in subjects I hated, so did my confidence.

My undiagnosed ADHD probably had a lot to do with me dropping out of college before graduating, and not having a bachelor’s degree was directly and indirectly responsible for much of the depression I struggled with in my adulthood.

There are three types of ADHD: inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive, and combined.

According to WebMD, children can be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD if they display at least 6 of the following behaviors:

• “Daydreams and becomes easily distracted
• Misses important details or makes careless mistakes on homework and tests
• Gets bored quickly and has a hard time staying focused
• Has trouble getting organized (for example, losing homework assignments or keeping the bedroom messy and cluttered)
• Doesn’t seem to listen when spoken to
• Avoids tasks that require a lot of focus
• Often loses track of things
• Is forgetful in day-to-day activities
• Has trouble following instructions and often shifts from task to task without finishing anything”

I definitely struggled with most of those things as a child. Why, then, wasn’t I diagnosed with ADHD? Likely because I wasn’t a boy bouncing off the walls.

I found this quote from the Cleveland Clinic fascinating:

“Because children with this form of ADHD (inattentive type) usually aren’t usually [sic] hyperactive, the disorder may have gone unrecognized until they reached adolescence or adulthood. This is especially true for girls and women with inattentive ADHD. Girls may be more quiet and passive than those who don’t have the disorder, and thus don’t stand out in the classroom.”

The Cleveland Clinic also goes on to talk about the “nine symptoms associated with the predominantly inattentive presentation of ADHD:

• Often has trouble staying focused on tasks at work, home or play.
• Frequently does not pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes at work or while doing other tasks.
• Often has trouble organizing tasks or activities (misses deadlines, disorganized work).
• Is easily distracted.
• Frequently does not follow through on instructions or fails to complete work assignments, chores, or other activities.
• Often forgets to do routine chores (like paying bills, returning phone calls, keeping appointments).
• Avoids tasks that require long periods of mental focus (preparing reports, filling out forms).
• Often loses items needed to complete tasks or activities.
• Does not appear to be listening even when spoken to directly.”

If anything I’ve spoken about above feels familiar to you, it may be worth your while to speak to a mental health professional about the possibility of you having ADHD (or at least doing more research on the topic yourself to see if it feels like it fits your experience).

Depression and Undiagnosed Autism

While I attribute most of my depression to undiagnosed ADHD, my undiagnosed autism (and the accompanying sensory overwhelm and struggles with socializing) definitely played a role in my depression, as well.

So much of the literature surrounding autism pathologizes us and makes us sound irrevocably broken, so here I’m going to stick with this quote from Embrace Autism (which has amazing resources if you think there’s any chance you might be on the autism spectrum):

“A neurodevelopmental difference characterized by alterations in social functioning, hypersensitivity to stimuli, repetitive behaviors, and deep interests — often combined with advanced cognitive & perceptive abilities.”

I have gone into far more depth about the diagnostic criteria and how I experience those symptoms. Here, I’ll pick up by saying that being forced to move from classroom to classroom and meet and attempt to socialize with SO MANY MORE kids starting in middle school definitely impacted me. I was probably constantly overwhelmed and having shutdowns without understanding why (I’ve understandably blocked out much of my childhood, so I’m forced to speculate).

How my autism impacted me the most in adulthood was in socializing. I’ve always struggled to make and keep friends (I met my current best friend on Twitter, and in our nearly 4-year friendship, we’ve never had a face-to-face conversation, even virtually, because we both feel more comfortable communicating in writing) and I’ve only had one long-term relationship that ended about 15 years ago.

I believed I had social anxiety and constantly forced myself to go out and socialize (on the advice of well-meaning therapists). This rarely resulted in me making friends and definitely resulted in a lot of frustration, trauma, and resulting depression.

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me to socialize. I would go to Meetups and frequently spent time alone in a corner, too terrified to speak to anybody. Those loud environments were also tricky due to my auditory processing disorder, and my face blindness definitely didn’t help things any, either.

My struggles to socialize just added to my feelings of brokenness and strongly contributed to my depression.

How I’m Doing Now

The start of the Covid pandemic gave me permission to stop forcing myself to socialize and learning that I’m AuDHD has allowed me to (probably) permanently stop forcing myself into environments where I’ll likely just get overstimulated, frustrated, anxious, and depressed.

I’m more forgiving of myself on days when I struggle to focus on work because I understand it’s just my ADHD. I’m not a horrible person when I get stuck watching YouTube instead of writing blog posts for work.

I’m settling into a quiet, happy life alone with my dog, and I’ve stopped daydreaming about a future as a nomad that my ADHD brain might enjoy but my autistic brain would HATE (the lack of routine would leave me constantly dysregulated).

And now I’m sharing my experiences here, hoping to reach other people who still haven’t learned that many of the things they struggled with their whole lives aren’t their fault.

I will never be a social butterfly. I will always feel violent when I hear certain loud noises. I will always struggle with “procrastination” and “poor housekeeping.” I will always feel weird locking eyes with my neighbors.

And that’s perfectly okay.