avatarTony Leo

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My Daughter’s Transgender Identity Didn’t Make Sense

But that didn’t stop me from trying to make her transition about me.

Photo by Myke Simon on Unsplash

Spoiler alert for big plot reveal in the next paragraph, for a movie over 20 years old (and a worldwide sensation following its release). You have been warned. My duty is fulfilled.

I saw the movie “The Sixth Sense” in the theater. After the reveal at the end that Bruce Willis’ character was dead almost the whole time, there was this cool collective “oh!” in the audience.

It was an exciting feeling as we all sat there reviewing the film in our minds. The big twist made it feel like we had just watched two movies without realizing it.

It was so satisfying when things clicked and fell into place. It helped you understand things that happened in the movie that maybe you hadn’t understood as they unfolded.

That was not how I felt after my daughter came out as transgender. I did not have that “oh!” moment.

When she came out, as I imagine with most parents in similar circumstances, I reviewed a mental highlight reel of my daughter’s life. But the revelation of her new identity didn’t make her life suddenly make more sense.

And it still hasn’t.

But I’m okay with that. She has her journey. I don’t need to understand her journey to honor it and to love and support her.

My internalization of her new identity was not where I was struggling.

Shortly after she came out as transgender, we would go for long walks where she would share some of her journey. It centered heavily on the emotional turmoil and suffering that, for her, defined her middle school and high school years.

At some point, I felt my ego rear up and start to push back. I didn’t say anything to her, but I struggled with how this had flown under my radar.

From the time she was born, I had felt connected to my daughter. That only intensified after her mother and I divorced. I was so scared that I was harming her or driving her away that I felt really sensitive to her behavior. She was my number one priority.

So, how could my child, the one who was the focus of my entire life, suffer like that right under my nose? What the hell kind of parent did that make me? I didn’t want to believe that all of her pain and confusion went unnoticed by the one person who was supposed to see those things, to look out for her, to help.

It is important to point out that all this was self-induced. My daughter was not laying any of this at my feet. She said that if she didn’t recognize and understand what was happening to her, how could I have known?

But still, how could I not have seen her struggles?

I sat with and questioned those feelings. This might sound painfully obvious from the outside, but eventually, it sunk in that I was trying to make her journey about me.

Fuck me, but that can get old.

It’s a recurring story in my life. I try to own someone else’s journey. My small self mostly fears they will blame me for something and leave. It’s leftover daddy-abandonment shit.

The truth is, I am extremely blessed to have a child brave enough to step into a new identity. And she trusted me enough to share what she was going through. I cannot begin to describe how important that is to me.

Maybe I was trying to offload some of her suffering by causing myself suffering. There’s the feeling of truth in that thought. I would gladly suffer in her stead.

But that’s not how things work. Trying to suffer for her makes it about me (yet again) and interferes with being there for her in the way she needs, not in the way I think she should need me.

Would I like for my daughter’s transgender transition to make more sense to me? Yes. Would I like that “oh!” moment where things click? Yes. Yes, I would.

Is that understanding needed for me to love and support her? Not in the least.

Thank you for reading my story.

Relationships
Parenting
Personal Development
Transgender
LGBTQ
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