My Daughter’s Muslim Friend Wants Marriage and Kids, But Her 9-Year Boyfriend Won’t Propose

We thought it was a done deal when he converted to Islam

My 30-year-old honorary daughter Naseem, whose parents came from Pakistan, has been dating Eric, an American, for almost 9 years now.

Naseem has long wanted to marry Eric and have kids. And her biological clock is ticking loudly.

But Eric doesn’t want to marry her.

So why are they still together? Good question.

The backstory

Naseem is my daughter Anna’s friend from high school. I’m close to Naseem, who calls me Houston Mom. Still, I didn’t see much of her except for the times my out-of-state kids visited and we went on outings together.

Since my kids didn’t like Eric, he wasn’t invited on those outings. So I knew about him but didn’t know him personally.

I got to know Eric better when Naseem moved into a new house near me and I helped her with her houseplants and garden. Although she and Eric don’t live together, he was around a lot.

I found that I liked him. He didn’t live up to the commitment-phobic picture my kids had painted of him.

When I was able to talk to Eric alone during Naseem’s housewarming party, I asked the question on everyone’s mind: “Why aren’t you and Naseem married by now?”

“If it were up to me, we’d have been married years ago and had a couple kids by now,” Eric answered.

Huh?

The rest of the story

Eric explained that he’d asked Naseem’s parents for her hand in marriage. “It didn’t go well,” he said. Knowing Naseem’s parents, that was undoubtedly an understatement. They’d insisted she marry a Muslim.

Raised as a Catholic, Eric now claimed no religion, including Islam.

When her parents insisted she marry a Muslim, Naseem decided they were right. She told Eric he needed to convert to Islam before she’d marry him.

I’d heard that Eric didn’t want to convert, but I hadn’t realized that Naseem had introduced that stipulation years into the game.

As a Bible-believing Christian, I would prefer to see Eric become a Christian. But since he’s not affiliated with any belief system right now, I pragmatically asked him if he’d consider becoming a Muslim to satisfy Naseem.

It’s not like Naseem would expect him to be a strict Muslim. I’ve never seen her pray, let alone offer prayer the prescribed five times a day. And she doesn’t cover her gorgeous waist-length hair with a hijab. The main thing she does is keep Ramadan, the month-long fast when Muslims don’t eat or drink anything from sunup to sundown.

Eric already kept Ramadan to please Naseem. He confirmed that that the only other thing she wanted from him to go through the conversion ritual. But he was afraid she wouldn’t stop there. And why couldn’t she accept him as he was?

I agreed with him. I thought making him convert to Islam was too much to ask. If he wanted to convert, it should be his own choice.

Now that I knew the rest of the story, I talked to Eric and Naseem together. I learned that although Eric would have married Naseem earlier, his heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore.

So I told him he should go. And I told Naseem she should let him go and find a Muslim mate.

But she insists that she loves Eric and doesn’t want to build a relationship with someone else.

When I discussed that conversation with my daughter Anna, she said Naseem is bullheaded and Eric has a problem letting his no mean no.

Bingo.

Not a great combination.

The plot twists but stays the same

Here’s another instance of Eric’s no not meaning no: he converted to Islam a few months after that conversation.

I was surprised but naively happy for Naseem. It seemed like she’d get her Muslim mate after all, even if he was Muslim mostly in name. She could finally get married and start having the kids she desperately wanted.

I expected to hear news of an engagement by the end of 2023. But all was quiet.

Radio silence from Naseem is unusual. Hyper-energetic and uber-relational, she usually responds quickly to calls and texts.

My kids let me know she was OK, so I bided my time.

That is, until I heard from Naseem’s mom. Naseem hadn’t answered her calls or texts either, and she was concerned.

It was 9:00 at night, but I agreed to go to Naseem’s and see if everything was OK. Not sure what to expect, I enlisted my 21-year-old daughter Phoebe to come with me.

When we arrived at Naseem’s, we saw her SUV and Eric’s truck parked in the driveway. Instructing Phoebe to park, I pressed the Ring doorbell.

Nobody answered, but the vehicles pointed to people being inside.

Hmmm.

In my official capacity as Houston Mom, I decided to pursue an answer more aggressively. So I went into the backyard through the unlocked gate. Reaching the back door, I saw silhouetted figures moving around inside.

When I knocked on the back door, a bedraggled Naseem opened the door.

After letting Naseem’s mom know her daughter was alive and well, I talked to the unhappy couple.

The aftermath of a deadline that passed

It turned out Naseem had expected Eric’s conversion to result in a proposal, too. In fact, her deadline had been the previous day.

But Eric still wasn’t ready to move forward with Naseem. His feelings of disconnection were long-standing and deep-seated. What was worse, he now felt like a fake. He said he felt empty inside, like he existed just to please people.

“Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?” I asked.

“I never thought of it that way, but yes, I do,” he replied thoughtfully.

If he felt like this before marriage, marriage would only make things worse.

Eric kept saying he wanted to go. But Naseem didn’t want him to.

No more deadlines, she promised tearfully. She talked about doing couples’ therapy — but they had to be engaged to do that. After going back and forth about other things, she returned to the idea of couples’ therapy. But wait, they needed to be engaged to do that.

Saying there’s no deadline doesn’t make sense

I’m ordinarily more touchy-feely, but these people needed tough love. I told Naseem she had a biological deadline she needed to respect. She needed to officially end things with Eric and start looking for a mate who’s already a Muslim. One of my professor friends found her husband on MuslimMatrimony.com, and I suggested Naseem look into that.

But I love him, she wailed.

We went back and forth covering a path that was already well-worn. Having said my piece, I didn’t stick around. Before we left, my driver-daughter Phoebe presented Naseem with a surprise Taco Bell dinner.

Phoebe’s thoughtful gesture satisfied Naseem’s hunger but couldn’t touch the heartache.

Here’s what I wish my young friends would hear and take to heart

Since that incident, I haven’t heard much from Naseem or Eric. Naseem keeps herself incredibly busy while Eric has consigned himself to the status quo.

So they may not take the time or release the head space to listen to what I have to say.

But here’s what I wish each party to this stalemated romance or whatever it is would hear:

Naseem, I wish Eric would love you too, but he doesn’t. It seems like he loved you before you came up with this conversion requirement. Love can be tough but also surprisingly fragile, and once Humpty Dumpty breaks there’s no going back to the way things were. You’re setting yourself up for more disappointment and heartbreak if you keep trying to restore something that’s broken beyond repair.

Don’t go to Eric’s work or apartment to try to talk him into getting back together with you.

Since you want a Muslim husband, look for one who’s ready-made. But be careful he’s not observant to a level you’re not comfortable with. Otherwise, you’ll be trading one set of problems for another.

As for you, Eric, I haven’t been that direct with you since I’m more connected with Naseem. But from what I see of you, you’re a good man. You need to summon up the courage and compassion I know you have to say no and make it stick.

Your truck doesn’t drive to Naseem’s house by itself. Stop going there. Block her number on your phone, or even get a new phone number if you have to. Unfriend her on social media. Let your friends and family know that you and Naseem are done.

Those actions may not sound compassionate, but they’re akin to cutting out a tumor before it does more damage and ultimately destroys you. Not ending your relationship decisively is hurting both of you.

You’ll keep feeling empty and phony, and Naseem will soon miss her window for having biological children.

Whatever you do, Eric, don’t cave and marry Naseem under these circumstances. It will be bad for both of you, and neither of you will get what you want and need.

Final words

So guys, make a clean break. It will hurt initially, but one-and-done pain is better than chronic misery. Wait at least a few months, and then start a new relationship with somebody who loves you and shares your values.

And if things don’t gel, don’t wait 9 years to move on.